Like many on these forums, my ex made me feel that having sexual needs was deviant. As my only sexual partner I was unaware of what "real" sexuality was and had no comparison. Sex was a one-way act, often used as payment or restricted for punishment. It was often about delay, denial, or my humiliation. She was did everything she could to avoid intimacy. ​I agree that this deception is a violation of a human right, MJM.

Father Ron's words are helpful. Thank you for sharing this.

I have begun casually dating for the first time in my life. Experiencing sex with a woman who feels desire for men is a revelation. I would not have understood how sex and souls were related once through my 20-year marriage, and yet see it instantly with a heterosexual partner.

Longwayhome, you are so true. 'No Fault' laws mean well. But they allow those who act maliciously and deceptively to hide with zero consequences. I believe these laws will change in time, as crimes done to you by someone you trust are significantly worse than those from a stranger.

MJM017 wrote:

..... sex is a fire within us........ It’s central to our lives.....

Ten years ago I would have agreed. But these days I feel numb also and that numbness serves me well. Without the fire there is nothing to quench. This was my decision and I'm at peace with it

Elle
 

Sign up for any app and you have to agree to a 20-page legal essay that clarifies every possible future scenario in fine detail. Violate those terms and there are significant financial or legal consequences.

Get married and sign away half your time on Earth, half your assets, and have terms that can fit on the back of a napkin. If you violate those terms people may say bad things about you on Facebook. It's shocking more marriages don't fail.

The idea of disclosure at the time of signing a marriage contract is interesting. At the least, the contract should allow for people to discuss when disclosure should occur. If both parties agree to disclose on a change, this would enable a path towards discussion of possible resolutions.

MJM017 wrote:

Elle, I was like that during most of my marriage so I wouldn’t cheat. You have to do what you have to do, unfortunately. I sincerely hope things change for you. It was no fun to say the least for me.....

For many years I felt the stirrings of rebellion against the sexual choices he made for us. And my heart would quell those thoughts because...we had such a good life (and sometimes our sex life was awesome). If I had never felt the need to be curious about the things he told me, never become jealous/depressed/hurt..he would have carried on his secret (ashamed? who knows) life and I would have been none the wiser. I know so much more now but I feel there's even more I don't. 
Yesterday I emailed him at work and he didn't reply for an hour (at the time I emailed a bit unusual) and I was triggered and fell into a suspicious hole that kept me trapped til he came home and seemed quite atoning/(guilty?)/making conversation when he's usually silent but that could be paranoia lol and it was me that let myself feel that way so I have-have-have to remember not to contact him at work!!!

Sigh....Elle

 

There was this one woman who responded sympathetically when I said I was divorcing him and she said to me that the worst thing he did to me was stop me having children.  And yet I come back time and again to the same feeling that the worst thing he did to me was to take away my self esteem.  I still go belly up when I try and think about it, he made me feel so undesirable, so little.  That's the bit that really gets to me and makes me feel I want to die.

The greatest relief is that he is behind me not in front of me any more.