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June 11, 2021 6:48 am  #1


New and need support

I just recently discovered that my 38-year old husband of 6 years is having an affair with a man.  We have a 3-year old daughter together.  He claims that he has never had homosexual desires until this past year.  He is still trying to "figure things out" but states that at this time he is equally attracted to men and women.  We will begin counseling this week.  As of now he still wants to try to work on the marriage.

Additional background is that this is my second marriage.  I ended my first marriage due to the fact that he was a narcissist and cheated on me while I was pregnant.  I thought that I was finally in a stable relationship until this revelation of my husbands new sexual identity.

I don't have high hopes for this marriage but its really hard to let it go right now.  I don't want to have two failed marriages.  This marriage up until now has been a stable and secure relationship.  Our marriage has not been perfect but I was happy.  We are compatible on many levels.  The other thing that is difficult is that I am a public figure in my community.

Things that I am grateful for are that I am financially secure, strong minded, have a good support system and consider myself to still be fairly young and attractive.  My husband and I are not having a sexual relationship since this revelation and I have been checked for STD's.  (Thankfully everything is ok)

I still want so badly for things to work out and for him to be the man that I need.  In my heart I hope that we can work through this and that even if he is bi-sexual we can still choose to remain in a monogamous marriage.  However, my mind is telling me that there is little hope for us.  There are so many barriers to this marriage including major issues with trust and communication. (He was not forthcoming about this affair.)  I am also not sure if he will eventually declare that he is just gay.  This has been really hard on me and has taken a toll on my health.  I am not eating or sleeping well.  I know that no matter what things will get better.  Its just a really really hard process.

 

June 11, 2021 8:10 am  #2


Re: New and need support

Trust and open communication is a pretty crucial factor for any successful marriage, in my opinion. He can be equally attracted to either sex but it's the commitment to one person that matters. To re-frame this in heterosexual terms, I have a healthy attraction to many different women, but I wouldn't expect to be able to use that as a bit of a 'hall pass' to 'figure things out'. We're not talking about ice-cream flavours here.

Whatever happens as you work through this, don't neglect the mind and body. Take time to sort things out, maybe work on routines that encourage you to eat well, moderately exercise, turn the brain down before sleep and so on. Keep that mindset of 'I am strong and I will get through this.'

Best wishes,


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

June 11, 2021 1:51 pm  #3


Re: New and need support

Hi stronggirl.  I wouldn't say you have 2 failed marriages at all.  You were tricked by 2 men who cheat and don't put their families first.   Keep your head held high.  Not your fault.  

 

June 11, 2021 2:03 pm  #4


Re: New and need support

I would bet all I own that a man who's had an affair with a man for 6 years knew he had homosexual feelings way longer than just a year

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 11, 2021 2:51 pm  #5


Re: New and need support

So sorry your husband did this to you and your family, stronggirl.

Your story sounds familiar. Wife and I had been married many years, with a toddler, discovered she was not forthcoming about her affairs with women. She also agreed to couples therapy, begging me that she could change. I believed.

I shared my story on these forums. Everyone told me to leave, in their kind way. I stayed, thinking we were the beautiful and unique snowflake. We were different.

Here's what happened next: my wife promised to not contact her affair partners, to not delete messages, and to be open in her behavior and feelings while we went to in-depth couples counseling. I later found out she lasted less than 24 hours before contacting her girlfriend of 5 years. She was sleeping with women again within weeks. She was hiding full-blown relationships within six months. Meanwhile, I was unaware. She didn't improve, she got better at deception.

Your husband may be a better person than my wife. But given the history of hiding sex, I wouldn't bet on it.

Can an open marriage work? Yes. These often happen when a partner discusses these needs in advance of marriage so that both parties can be fully informed. Changing a marriage to an open relationship in the middle is called an ultimatum. "Do this or I will be forced to leave. Why won't you allow our family to be happy?"

Ellexoh_nz is right. Do you know who you're sexually attracted to? He knew. His unwillingness to be honest highlights that he's not done lying to you for personal benefit.

Leaving a marriage because your husband is having illicit sex with men isn't a reflection of you. How you react to this information is. It is awful, but you are stronger.

Wishing you continued strength and happiness ahead, whatever you choose.

Last edited by Upside (June 11, 2021 3:11 pm)

 

June 11, 2021 3:43 pm  #6


Re: New and need support

Thank you everyone for the support.  It does help.  This is a really tough time.  It will likely get worse before it gets better for me.  Lynne you are right.  I was tricked by two men who betrayed my trust and violated our marriage.  Upside I do agree that this is not a reflection on me.  I was not the cause of my husband having homosexual feelings and then acting on them behind my back.  Ellexoh_nz just to clarify my husband stated that he didn't start feeling these feelings until approximately a year ago but supposedly didn't act on them until about 2 months ago.  For me the timing is less important.  He has violated my trust.  I do agree with Upside that there is a strong chance that the behavior will not stop.  I do want to at least try counseling though with eyes wide open.  I want to give the marriage a decent effort because I know that once its done there is no turning back.  

With my first marriage we went through counseling but I was gone within a year of finding out about his affair.  I knew he wouldn't change and by that time I was emotionally ready for the separation.   I was able to walk away from that marriage with absolutely no regrets.  When I see my ex-husband now I have no emotion towards him. 

With my current husband I cannot stay in this emotional space for a long time neither.  Its not healthy for me.  I do feel that in the next few weeks/months I will have a better feeling about the direction of this relationship and will be more emotionally prepared for whatever is to come.  I just need to know that I did what I could to make the marriage work so that if I walk away I can also do so with no regrets.

Its just really difficult.  I don't want to tell friends and family.  I am not ready right now to be single again.  My spirit is down right now.   I will plan to start individual therapy as well.

     Thread Starter
 

June 11, 2021 4:44 pm  #7


Re: New and need support

The timing of when he felt aware of his attraction to men does matter - what we are saying is that he is still not being honest with you.   Saying his same sex attraction only started up recently is an attempt at minimising isn't it?

None of this is on you, the only reflection you get is oh this is a caring person.  

 

June 11, 2021 6:16 pm  #8


Re: New and need support

It does do something to our "spirit" for sure.  It's not that we were just betrayed, but they leave us feeling humiliated.  That's been a rough one for me to recover from and I'm sure for many of us.   But when we first find out we do need to go through the process of understanding what makes them tick at a deep human level. 

 

June 11, 2021 7:31 pm  #9


Re: New and need support

Lots of great support here. You have come to the right place. I recommend that you both take counselling on your own first. You both have things to work through and once things are more stable then do the couple counselling. But up to you ofcourse. I am 3 months out of d day and my partner and I are still doing our own sessions. She has agreed to counselling once I am ready for it. Take it one day at a time.

 

June 11, 2021 9:26 pm  #10


Re: New and need support

Strong girl,

"Failed" is a strong and negative word.
Like others said you did not fail.  You loved fiercely and honestly..he did not.

I also take issue with another negative phase "broken home" from other threads.
The only thing broken is these spouses.

Best wishes on deciding..I have no idea how to rebuild trust..my thought was my GX would have had to cut all contact with her girlfriend, let me read her text etc. There would need to be clear proofs would never happen with my GX.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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