In regards to those here “not having a PHD”. Yeah that is the point of a peer support forum. This is not paid therapy and not a panel of PHDs to submit questions to.

The other straight spouses here are not your paid therapist. We are individuals who have had experience with this situation for a varied amount of time. We have straight spouses who just found out and ones that found out 30 years ago. Some who have had this happen once and some where they have found themselves in a similar spot more than once or have had those close to them go through this in addition to going through it themselves. Some that are very distressed about what has happened and some that enjoy what has happened. None of us are in exactly to the detail the same situation but there are a lot of patterns that repeat and trends that start to emerge.

For *any* topic out there a peer support forum is not going to be the place to get 100% all the time rosy rainbows and sunshine feedback. This is a difficult topic and a difficult situation (even for those stay in the situation otherwise it would be unlikely to seek out support).

It is not reasonable to expect for this topic that no one ever mentions a negative outcome being possible. Many that are going through this not only have TTT/TGT happening but also emotional manipulation. We get quite enough “nothing is wrong, it’s all in your head”.

When people tell their stories and seek feedback one or more people will see in that limited information parts that are similar to what they have gone through. The feedback they give will typically include that information. Patterns tend to repeat. I don’t see people here telling someone “This is 100% guarantee what terrible thing will happen and I have cameras inside your personal life and so it is totally 100% exactly in your life as I am telling you”.  The person getting the feedback can take a look at the patterns and stories presented to them. It gives them an awareness of multiple possibilities for their situation which likely has a lot of unknowns.

Yeah it is painful that some of those possibilities aren’t nice. But people don’t need one more place to be lied to and told there is 0 chance of anything difficult coming at them.

It is peer support telling someone “hey based on your side of things and the parts you chose to tell here how something like it unfolded for me so be aware these things can happen and here are some ways to prepare/handle that which worked for others”.

In my TTT situation I have seen parts of my exact situation play out the same in multiple stories here and in other groups I am in to deal with this. Parts of my exact experience are different from others. Had I not been made aware of these patterns that dozens of other women have gone through and only got “nice” feedback that everything will always be a-ok I would be left feeling I was losing my mind and that I was broken and “bad” for not being comfortable in my situation. Women particularly get that quite enough to be “nice” and let their boundaries be violated over and over so the other person doesn’t feel bad. Did it suck to hear things about how I may need to get my finances in order and assets and to watch out for way escalated behaviors? Yes of course! Did it help me take a better look at what was happening  and make choices? Yes. Did I have to make the exact choices peer support people said? No. Have I? A mix. Some things really lined up with my situation and some not really. Was it “mean” to see advice/information that didn’t pertain to my situation (some parts of my situation are not as extreme as others)? No, because people have their own experiences and are just telling what they have seen and what patterns are possible.

Someone comes here and lays out a situation that is a lot like mine early on when I ignored red flags yes I am going to let them know how things went for me. It doesn’t mean that it will happen to them as well but that awareness could help them look at a red flag in their situation and really evaluate what I’d best for them and consider what their personal boundaries are. That may well better equip them to hold their personal boundaries better as they are aware of the possibilities and have had time to think ahead about what their limits are instead of being surprised.

My situation escalated several times. Had I come here to peer support earlier I bet some feedback would be spot on to what wound up happening and some would have missed the mark. For both it would have helped prepare me and maybe I’d have taken the time think about my feelings and have been able to hold/set a boundary since I was aware of the patterns possible. If instead I had come here and got only “nice” oh everything will be fine I’m sure it is all fine don’t even worry I’d be no better off than I am now having never reached out early on.

A lot of the support here also isn’t even about TTT/TGT but helping the straight spouse see their own worth. Worth that is not diminished by a difficult situation. A building UP of the straight spouse and advice to self-reflect and make choices that are best for them.

If someone gives you feedback here that doesn’t hit the mark then it didn’t hit the mark. If you say “well the sky was a mix of red and blue” and someone tells you “hey sounds like the sky is purple”  you can see where they came to that conclusion. If you then look at the sky again and see it is NOT purple but more a section of red then a section of blue  they aren’t being “mean” to you by saying it’s purple. The only info they had was what you said and their own experience of what a mix of red and blue is.

Hi Kel,

Thanks for posting! Am glad the revamped board is coming soon. I hope it offers a bit more privacy. I hope it has clear rules on what posts are appropriate.  All successful forums have this.

You have to have a hands on admin who removes posts which break the rules, in my opinion. It has to be done reasonably quickly and it has to be said what was inappropriate in the message.  This hospitable/inhospitable issue will not be laid to rest until that happens. No one will police themselves now or in the future. They would have already done it since what you said had been stated by an admin many times.

You offer a great service for those of us steamrolled by TGT.  Again, looking forward to this “new and improved” version.

Best regards,
Maria

Hi Gloria,

If you have something to say about this issue, please say it on the board if these hurtful statements took place here and remain.

I have been the victim of slander and gossip due to my GIDXH’s lies through private conversations.  I don’t know who believes a wife beater, but I guess some do.

Am afraid a private conversation can lead to misinterpretation. I hope you understand. I do remember what brought you here. I can go back to see the messages you may be referring to. That is if they are still there.

Thanks,
Maria

MJM017 wrote:

Hi Kel,

I hope it offers a bit more privacy.

Hi Maria. I can't say that the new Open Forum will offer more privacy. The entire point of an Open Forum is that it's open to.... the public. It's difficult to vet registered users in a public forum. We do remove posters who we feel give clues to them being an authentic Straight Partner. And you users also do an excellent job of sniffing out a counterfeit.

We are absolutely putting more thought into rules for the future Open Forum. Typical rules for our groups are:
- Do not post identifying information about yourself.
- Do not post identifying information about your partner.
- No belittling, shaming or insulting others.
- No bashing of the general LGBT+ community.
- Religious topics are allowed, but insulting another's beliefs is not (nor is proselytizing).
- No sexual harassment or unwanted communication.
- No solicitation of funds, or promotion of goods or services.
- No doxxing.
- Repeat offenders or large offenses will result in the user retaining posting rights.

The rest is a lot stickier! People have different interpretations of what is considered inhospitable or rude. Intentions and inflection can easily be misread. Disagreement with an opinion can be viewed as an attack. We are in a public space - it's not going to be tidy. People will weigh in on what others post - it's the nature of the beast.

As for active moderators - part of the issue with having an all-volunteer organization is that most of the volunteers have day jobs, families, and other priorities. We cannot reasonably expect that such individuals will be available to us at all times. They give what they can offer, and we gratefully accept that. We would LOVE to have a few people step up and offer to become trained moderators! Once the new site launches with our new SEO, we will get more traffic than ever. And we will have need for more volunteers. We are a collaborative group of individuals that work together seamlessly as a team. We'd love to add some new moderators to our ranks! To offer your services, please contact me via private message here on the forum.

Last edited by Kel (June 10, 2021 1:00 pm)

Alex, I'm sorry you find yourself here.  

I try not to force feed advice here, especially to people who are trying to adjust to the new reality, because I do remember exactly how I felt when I started making these discoveries, and I would have just quit the site entirely if I'd felt people were trying to push me to do something I wasn't ready for.  I also had friends IRL who were also eager to take control of my life and tell me what to do, for that matter.  It was really important at the time for me to feel in control, and feel confidence in my own decisions.

We carry our own baggage, though.  My husband fed me carefully crafted doses of reality for a long time, trying to hoard the truth.  It's a pattern we do see a lot here, and it may not be the pattern of your marriage.