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- Upside
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Re: Moral Character
My heart goes out to you, LostatSea.
Cutting contact is one way to be free of their chaos. They made their choices, you choosing sanity and calm in response is only fair. There is a beautiful world beyond this.
Our partners often saw us as objects, not people. We were useful tools. Just as you don't see a problem in lying to your toaster, our place in their lives was beneath their moral boundaries (or communication).
Whether we were being used to hide in the open or for children, the end result is the same: their fleeting thoughts and feelings mattered more than our most important needs. Even now, your partner is ignoring your feelings so they can mock apologize. Another chaotic, melodramatic revelation to see where they stand - placing their whims above your sanity.
And while I tried for a quarter-century with all of my might with mine, I am certain she will never find peace. They will always be chaos. Their life is one I wouldn't wish on my greatest enemy, as it is a war they inflict on themselves
Last edited by Upside (June 2, 2021 12:28 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Moral Character
Longwayhome,
Up vote on your prayer.
Lostatsea,
I've been processing this for a while and what I do is limit the time doing that. As you're seeing it's a foreign thing to us to treat someone like they do. This is what separates us from them.
At the end of the day I can only conclude my GX has a "broken moral core."
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- lily
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Re: Moral Character
Upside wrote:
Our partners often saw us as objects, not people. We were useful tools. Just as you don't see a problem in lying to your toaster, our place in their lives was beneath their moral boundaries (or communication).
yes, it's strange isn't it, a lot of us expect to see guilt but not sure I have yet read an account where it is clear their partner really is feeling guilt. My ex always liked to say - I never asked to be born - and I wonder if he said that when he was feeling a bit guilty at what he was doing to me - like it was an excuse. but it obviously didn't bother him much if it was guilt because overwhelmingly what I remember is his resentment and unkindness.
it staggers me now to remember how long I thought he was so nice, and really everybody thinks he's so nice and so when I was finally divorcing him and trying to understand why he was so different to the way I had thought the conclusion I reached was that he stood in the shadows. He used 10% of his emotional energy to interact with me and it was a conscious performance, imitating the nice people around him, while 90% of his emotional energy was hidden in the closet, where the reality of him and his actions stemmed from.
is this what a self-centred morality looks like?
- LostAtSea
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Re: Moral Character
@Longwayhome - Thank you so much for the prayer. I know I can only change and control myself and my situation. I can not control the chaos in his mind and actions of others. It's a hard thing for me to process as I'm a "fixer". I know nothing I say or do will fix "him". Sorry, I had a message typed out to you and for whatever reason it didn't post.
@Upside - I don't get it and trying to understand it will drive me mad. He keeps telling me he "didn't have a choice". He doesn't "want" to be "this way" and that he "just is". But it was his choice to hide and deceive me all these years with the secret accounts and sexting men. That was his choice but he said he can't control his desires.
@Rob - I "try" to not "think" about it, but it just comes in my mind. I guess like his feelings and desires, no control.
I do have to start viewing him as mental and not a good person. Good people don't hide their feelings, deceive and ambush their partner after 16 years. I moved across the damn country for him and in a pandemic I moved back home. He never even knew how I got all my stuff home and coming back to a half empty apartment he made NO comment to me about it. Delusional is all I have to say!
I appreciate everyone's support.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Moral Character
Lostatsea,
Up vote on your packing stuff and moving out.
When my GX moved out she did not take a lot of stuff..but she made sure she took the kids for maximum hurt. A low point in my life. (I would see them later in the week but the immediate affect was hurt and I'm morally right and F U).
So something like that affects us..but not them..I don't think I ever saw my GX cry.. And that is the difference between us and them. All you can do is get away..you can't fix or change morality like that.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7