OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Dutchman
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Some come here to seek support while in an abusive relation. It is, or becomes, very clear that the LGBT spouse is lying, cheating, gaslighting. And not like a mistake because they are confused and feeling troubled themselves not knowing what to do, but in a mean and evil way.
There is no excuse for such malicious behaviour, and they should be exposed for what they are. I'm all for that! I have no sympathy for those shit heads. I would have to revert to Dutch to really have the words to express the anger that causes me!
But SSN has a much more general outlook. It's for straight spouses who find themselves in a relation with a LGBT. At least, that's what it claims to be.
And thus the situation of straight spouses visiting is much more diverse than those mentioned above. Therefor it'll do them no favor to be pressed into a single mold.
Some posters seem to think it's okay to fire away guns blazing, and it's up to the visitor to escape the barrage if it's not applicable.
But I'm afraid this approach will do a lot of collateral damage.
A straight spouse who is confronted with a situation where they recently found out to be in a MOM, is at a very vulnerable position. With lots of uncertainty and emotional stress at play. Their marriage is at a crossroad. Deciding the right turn isn't that clear cut.
It could well be decisive how the couple handle the situation at that stage, what the outcome will be. This can be a delicate matter, where the initial actions and stance of the straight spouse matters a lot. (not withstanding the responsibility and choices the gay spouse also have to make).
So delicate and considered advice is appropriate. There are different possible outcomes, after all it's very important what the personality and character of "that gay spouse" really is.
Problem of SSN is that there is little or no room for this balanced approach. Verdict has to be quick and on the spot. Well... NO!
Sure, sometimes it can and the guns blazing barrage is called for, but often it's not that simple.
I think TangledOil's motivation to start this topic is to point out this lack in the current format. And I agree.
Last edited by Dutchman (May 24, 2021 9:51 am)
- Daryl
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
If I had to summarize this topic, I think I'd say "Don't jump to conclusions on possibly incomplete information."
Easier said than done I readily admit.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Dutchman
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Maria wrote:
I disagree with you, Dutchman. The admins do a great job keeping this board balanced; they delete clearly inappropriate posts.
You may disagree with someone's opinion. That's fine. Other posters may disagree with your opinion and that's fine. I learn from all posts the admins allow to remain on the board.
I would not classify it as "clearly inappropriate posts". So it's not what the admins have to guard against.
It's about the fundamental way the "Support" section is functioning. Like the "Triage" Daryl mentioned. It's really a good point he makes, and I'm thinking along the same line of thought.
Could SSN provide more objective rules to guide people towards what's (probably) the best exchange of thoughts. Some guidance for visitors and posters alike, how to approach it.
Can we think of a system (or formal rules) that helps to guide (first time) visitors to the responses that are truly appropriate for their situation given the point of their journey and information at hand?
In my opinion it would really (!) improve SSN if it would function that way.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
I think TangledOil's motivation to start this topic is to point out this lack in the current format. And I agree.
There is no lack in the current format. There was a lack when there was no MOM board. You can start any new MOM-related topic you like, any new resource... On the MOM board. And the people who need it will find it. And if they don't that's not the Forums fault, it's nobodies fault. It just is
Elle.
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Isn't this is the straight spouses forum?
Generally we arrive here having been hurt and confused by our non-straight partner and could really do without being met by the notion that straights should be happy married to bisexuals.
Last edited by lily (May 24, 2021 2:15 pm)
- Upside
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
This is an open forum for sharing advice. People share what they think will be relevant. Some may not like what others share, but I have found nearly all people do so hospitably.
Can this experience ultimately be positive? Absolutely! But is it positive by default? No.
As an example of how this "negativity" isn't SSN specific, let's look at the Straight Bi Partners subreddit. Out of 25 posts in the past 30 days, 8 (32%) are by TangledOil and 100% positive. Of those created by others, 12 out of the remaining 17 (70%) are negative. These are stories of people's lives imploding across days, months, or years. Of those that are in MOMs, nearly 100% say they would do things differently.
Here are what the original posters on this subreddit are saying:
"I just feel like a part of me has died and that my marriage is doomed."
"My bi husband is trying to figure out himself and if he can be content in our marriage after suppressing it his whole life."
"Though I feel okay with him having MM sexual experiences during this period, I feel anxiety at the thought of him having emotional/romantic relations with other people."
"But then... he started asking for other things. First it was an open relationship, but after talking it out he "compromised" with "just" jerking off online with other guys. But even this I can't wrap my head around. He said that he was doing it for "us", to improve our relationship and to beat the bi-cycle."
"I couldn’t figure out what was up, but it crossed my mind that his sexuality was at the forefront of it. Eventually I had enough and asked if he had a “girlfriend or boyfriend.” That’s when he admitted he finally came to accept he’s bi. He only recently accepted it."
"It has been about 14 years since I found out. It hasn't been easy. If I could go back I would do so many things differently... but that is so easy to say NOW being on the other side of it all."
"After a week away, my husband came home to tell me that he is 100% gay and wants to live his life as such. He is happy in our relationship, but not happy enough not to hope to meet and have an emotional and physical relationship with a man. Now the process of separating the life we created during 13 years together begins."
"My life was turned upside down 8 months ago, and there’s no way for me to take a break from my new reality. - I have started not to trust him because he lies by omission. If I don’t ask specific questions, he won’t share his feelings/actions. -I think he’s being selfish. "
The top comment is often someone...encouraging them to move on.
We should encourage people to trust their gut, understand other cases, weigh the options, and make the decision that feels best to their heart. If they want to do so elsewhere, awesome! We shouldn't be afraid of that, we should support it.
In my opinion, it is the ultimate respect to give someone your honest thoughts. To encourage more positivity and no mention of the possible challenges is naive at best, purposefully damaging at worst.
Last edited by Upside (May 24, 2021 3:52 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
....
Thanks for that excerpt Upside... My partner is a Reddit reader and I often wonder if he has found this section. Not that it matters anymore
Elle
KIA KAHA
- TangledOil
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Upside,
It’s difficult to interpret the quotes you posted above as many of them are taken out of context. I’m not sure where you were going with that. Some are not negative or positive, just simply statements of facts. Many of these people only recently found out and for some a MOM certainly isn’t an option. I’m not sure anyone is able to say within a week or two of discovery they are certain that a MOM is the right choice for them. That is the situation for some. We don’t tend to barrage the newcomers with “your spouse is a cheating gay” when they haven’t stated as much and that’s where we pride ourself. If someone comes and says their spouse is a a cheater we believe them...
I wrote this... as a statement of fact. This was when he first came out. Rough time for sure, but that doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile. If this is the roughest time we have in 30 years I still say it's worth it.
"I couldn’t figure out what was up, but it crossed my mind that his sexuality was at the forefront of it. Eventually I had enough and asked if he had a “girlfriend or boyfriend.” That’s when he admitted he finally came to accept he’s bi. He only recently accepted it."
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (May 24, 2021 4:42 pm)
- •
Thread Starter- TangledOil
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
I guess I’ve never been gaslighted thankfully because I keep having to look up the definition to make sense of what it is. I must surround myself with good people.
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Thread Starter- Lynne
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Re: Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths?
Tangled,
Can't say that I've ever seen a barrage of comments to newcomers on here that say “your spouse is a cheating gay”. Actually, to me, a cheating spouse is not the worst thing that happens to many who come here. It's the deception and all the losses and damage that come with it. We're lost and broken and not sure where we belong in the world.