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May 18, 2021 2:28 am  #1711


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Treelovingvegan ("TLV"). Before I respond to your questions, I'd like to take a different approach. I'd like to ask you some questions about your relationship, namely: 

1. Please send me a list, not explanations mind you, of your mental and physical state for the past year. Here is an example of how I felt my final year of marriage to a straight woman:

Anxious
Depressed
Insomnia
Angry...

and so on. Please describe how you have felt for the past 365 days.

2. Next I'd like you to describe how your husband makes you feel. Again, please write just words, not explanations. 

3. Finally, I'd like you to complete this sentence, "Love for me means...." 

Thank you in advance for your answers. Now in response to your questions: 

1.  He kissed “a couple- maybe 2” guys in high school. Quotes are his words exactly. Said he kissed boys because many guys in his boarding school were gay and he absorbs energy of his friends. 

Conflicted or closeted spouses don't have very good track records of accurately defining their own sexualities. This is why I always urge straight spouses to focus on facts. It's not because these are bad people, it's just that they see things through the smeared lenses of shame and denial. When I read these kinds of things here, I tend to adopt an "iceberg" approach. For example, if a husband admits to just 1 sexual affair with a man, I then multiply it x9 because, like icebergs, 90% of the truth is under water. FACT: Your husband kissed boys (and likely more) in high school. 

2. Stopped kissing boys because an older man got him drunk and took advantage of him- he eluded to the older man giving my husband a blow job. He said this rape/male station was so traumatic for him that he never kissed boys after that.  All this happened in high school.  He is now in his late 30s.

This doesn't make sense. If your husband was indeed drunk or drugged to the point of incapacity, he wouldn't get an erection. While I don't have all the facts, I reckon he was both thrilled and scared during this formative sexual experience. FACT: Your husband had sex with an older man in high school. 

3. Wore my shorts to work once  because he said no clean laundry. 

Ok. 

3. Sits to pee (but only in the master bathroom not our other bathrooms). He knows I’m uncomfortable with it but says it’s cleaner.

Got it. 

4. Watched entire Netflix series “Hollywood” which has heavy gay content (in my eyes - it seemed like soft porn- though I totally don’t know what soft porn is—-I just know this show had many gay naked men kissing & walking around). 

Ok. FACT: He likes gay online content. 

5. Best friend from elementary school is a transvestite. I found another childhood friend of his is also now a transvestite.

FACT: Has friends who cross dress. 

6. I’m going nuts and have seemed to ask everyone in this forum their take. I finally mustered up the courage to ask you. He denies being gay and states he “likes vagina” . Which I believe. But I wonder if he’s more bi than gay.  I’ve talked him about it now 2 times, both times he was very understanding. I don’t believe he has been unfaithful. Very kind & committed man.

I'm in my late 40s and have unfortunately become a bit of a relic when it comes to defining sexuality. Also as a gay man, I tend to do that thing where I think every man is gay so please take my advice with a pinch of "pink" salt. As such, I tend to err on the "gay or straight" scale, although I do also believe people can be bisexual. 

7. Does he sound bisexual or exploring or straight?

Well the facts certainly suggest your husband is "not straight" so to speak. He's admitted to kissing boys in high school and a sexual experience with a man. He's worn women's clothing and has friends who do the same. He also appears to enjoy gay content and might also watch gay online porn. So what now? Well you can do several things: 

- Set aside the murky issue of his sexuality and focus 100% on you and your marriage. If you are no longer having sex, aren't sleeping, feel anxious/depressed, and are just generally unhappy, perhaps it's time to consider separation/divorce. A qualified mental health professional should be able to help with this decision. 
- Continue asking him questions and/or focus on his sexual identify issues. But he seems to be reluctant to answer and less than forthcoming. Moreover, straight spouses often lose years or even decades when they go down this path. However, this doesn't seem to have worked in the past. 
- If you want to short-circuit all of the bullsh*t and excuses, you can tell him you're ok with a threesome or opening your marriage. If he's attracted to men, he'll immediately choose a man as the new sexual partner. A risky yet effective method used by straight spouses. 

I hope that helps in some way my friend. I do hope you will answer my questions but completely understand if you don't feel like sharing personal information with a stranger. Regardless, I'd urge you to seek solo counselling with a qualified mental health professional and thereby focus on the most important person in this situation: YOU! Be well. 

Last edited by Séan (May 18, 2021 2:36 am)

 

May 18, 2021 7:26 am  #1712


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean! Thank you for responding! Your questions are insightful.


Séan wrote:

1. Please send me a list, not explanations mind you, of your mental and physical state for the past year. Here is an example of how I felt my final year of marriage to a straight woman:

***You hit them all spot on and in the exact order of most common to least. Seems I feel the same way you felt.

Anxious (this is the most constant & pronounced feeling)
Depressed
Insomnia (I’m starting to dream about this)
Angry (I am not really angry with him because I feel sad for him if he can’t express how he feels. I’m angry with myself for not having more of a clear picture. And if I’m truly honest. Angry with God- which I know is wrong. )


2. Next I'd like you to describe how your husband makes you feel. Again, please write just words, not explanations. 

***
Lucky
Blessed
Fortunate
Scared
Unsafe

3. Finally, I'd like you to complete this sentence, "Love for me means...." 

****to be Respected & to feel safe & to sacrifice for the other... all equally important

Thank you in advance for your answers. Now in response to your questions: 

1.  He kissed “a couple- maybe 2” guys in high school. Quotes are his words exactly. Said he kissed boys because many guys in his boarding school were gay and he absorbs energy of his friends. 

Conflicted or closeted spouses don't have very good track records of accurately defining their own sexualities. This is why I always urge straight spouses to focus on facts. It's not because these are bad people, it's just that they see things through the smeared lenses of shame and denial. When I read these kinds of things here, I tend to adopt an "iceberg" approach. For example, if a husband admits to just 1 sexual affair with a man, I then multiply it x9 because, like icebergs, 90% of the truth is under water. FACT: Your husband kissed boys (and likely more) in high school. 

***yes we had our third discussion and he disclosed that while they were “maybe 2” boys in highschool, he kissed one of them twice. At a spin the bottle game & in their dorm room (they were roommates & other guy was gay with a boyfriend. He said he remembered not liking to kiss a scrufy face.).

2. Stopped kissing boys because an older man got him drunk and took advantage of him- he eluded to the older man giving my husband a blow job. He said this rape/male station was so traumatic for him that he never kissed boys after that.  All this happened in high school.  He is now in his late 30s.

This doesn't make sense. If your husband was indeed drunk or drugged to the point of incapacity, he wouldn't get an erection. While I don't have all the facts, I reckon he was both thrilled and scared during this formative sexual experience. FACT: Your husband had sex with an older man in high school. 

*** he seems so traumatized by this. I’m not a social worker but work in a social workers office, and he truly seems to exhibit signs of trauma from this.


3. Wore my shorts to work once  because he said no clean laundry. 

Ok.  ***does this have relevance?

3. Sits to pee (but only in the master bathroom not our other bathrooms). He knows I’m uncomfortable with it but says it’s cleaner.

Got it. ***we had a huge fight about this. He has stopped sitting to pee but now refuses to use our master bathroom, after I told him that as a compromise— he continues to sit/stand to pee as he desires but just close the door so I don’t have to see. Ha! Maybe we should have been doing closing the doors anyways—-married life comforts I suppose— hahaha.

4. Watched entire Netflix series “Hollywood” which has heavy gay content (in my eyes - it seemed like soft porn- though I totally don’t know what soft porn is—-I just know this show had many gay naked men kissing & walking around). 

Ok. FACT: He likes gay online content.

 **he swore to me he has never watched gay porn. I believe him that he has never watched it

5. Best friend from elementary school is a transvestite. I found another childhood friend of his is also now a transvestite.

FACT: Has friends who cross dress. 
***is this relevant?

6. I’m going nuts and have seemed to ask everyone in this forum their take. I finally mustered up the courage to ask you. He denies being gay and states he “likes vagina” . Which I believe. But I wonder if he’s more bi than gay.  I’ve talked him about it now 2 times, both times he was very understanding. I don’t believe he has been unfaithful. Very kind & committed man.

I'm in my late 40s and have unfortunately become a bit of a relic when it comes to defining sexuality. Also as a gay man, I tend to do that thing where I think every man is gay so please take my advice with a pinch of "pink" salt. As such, I tend to err on the "gay or straight" scale, although I do also believe people can be bisexual. 


***his family is very religious but also very liberal where they would be accepting of homosexuality. I asked him the other night if his parents would be upset if he were gay and he said no. But he said he’s still embarrassed about kissing guys in highschool. I don’t understand why. I am also very liberal (not religious like his parents) and totally accepting of everyone. And we as a couple & individually surround ourselves with very accepting people. We have so many friends of all shades of sexuality. So why would he be so homophobic about his own past experiences?

7. Does he sound bisexual or exploring or straight?

Well the facts certainly suggest your husband is "not straight" so to speak. He's admitted to kissing boys in high school and a sexual experience with a man. He's worn women's clothing and has friends who do the same. He also appears to enjoy gay content and might also watch gay online porn. So what now? Well you can do several things: 

*****is it fair to say “he’s worn women’s clothing if he only did it once? I put those shorts of mine next to a pair of his boxers and they seem about the same size. So maybe it wasn’t that odd he wore them?

And maybe straight men do explore in their youth. Maybe it is very common for heterosexual men?

Thank you again Sean. You don’t know how much you help!!!! I have been religiously checking for your response to my post. It means so much to me!! Thank you!

Last edited by Treelovingvegan (May 18, 2021 8:12 am)

 

May 18, 2021 7:53 am  #1713


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

He is gay. He has kissed boys, wears women's clothing etc. My mother forced my dad and two brothers to urinate sitting down but that was for her benefit. My father was straight and so are my brothers.  Please know that we are here to listen.

 

May 18, 2021 12:39 pm  #1714


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Treelovingvegan wrote:

And maybe straight men do explore in their youth. Maybe it is very common for heterosexual men?

Hey, TLV:  I'm gonna give you some blunt advice.  It's the advice I wish someone had given me when I was having difficulty processing and accepting my ex-wife's year-long, secret same-sex affair.  You are brave to be here and to be posting -- please take this in the spirit in which I intend it.  This probably isn't what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear.

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT STRAIGHT.  

There is nothing "very common" about straight guys making out with dudes.  Guys who say they are straight yet watch online gay content, have sex with other men, have lots of transgendered women friends and kiss other men are just one thing:  in deep, deep denial.  Straight guys do not have a youthful, experimental gay phase to confirm their heterosexuality.  There is no closeted straight man lurking within your husband.

I love Sean's questions about your mental state and how your husband makes you feel.  In a truly reciprocal and honest relationship with a partner who values you, terms like "anxious", "depressed", "insomnia", "angry", "scared" and "unsafe" shouldn't even be on the radar screen.  But your feelings are valid.  Listen to your gut because it already knows what you need to do.

Good luck.  Keep writing.

Last edited by Blue Bear (May 18, 2021 12:41 pm)

 

May 18, 2021 10:57 pm  #1715


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi TLV,

Sorry you’re still struggling with this. I am hoping to clarify and offer support.  You are clearly suffering. (Don’t answer the questions. I added them to perhaps help you.)

Treelovingvegan wrote:

Hi Sean! Thank you for responding! Your questions are insightful.

***You hit them all spot on and in the exact order of most common to least. Seems I feel the same way you felt.

Anxious (this is the most constant & pronounced feeling)
Depressed
Insomnia (I’m starting to dream about this)
Angry (I am not really angry with him because I feel sad for him if he can’t express how he feels. I’m angry with myself for not having more of a clear picture. And if I’m truly honest. Angry with God- which I know is wrong. )

These are concerning symptoms. Does your husband know about this? Is he concerned for your well-being? I hope he’s not minimizing your symptoms.

I wonder why you are angry with yourself for not being able to read his mind. This is not humanly possible.  Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Treelovingvegan wrote:

2. Next I'd like you to describe how your husband makes you feel. Again, please write just words, not explanations. 

***
Lucky
Blessed
Fortunate
Scared
Unsafe

Why don’t safe and secure follow lucky, blessed and fortunate?  You admire your husband, but are afraid of him?

Treelovingvegan wrote:

3. Finally, I'd like you to complete this sentence, "Love for me means...." 

****to be Respected & to feel safe & to sacrifice for the other... all equally important

Do you feel love in your marriage since you feel unsafe?

Treelovingvegan wrote:

Thank you in advance for your answers. Now in response to your questions: 

1.  He kissed “a couple- maybe 2” guys in high school. Quotes are his words exactly. Said he kissed boys because many guys in his boarding school were gay and he absorbs energy of his friends. 

I’ll be generous and count the gay and bi student body as 10%. That’s 10 boys out of a class of 100. That’s not many. Did he choose these friends because they had something in common?

Why isn’t he absorbing your energy now and sensing your troubled mind about his sexuality?

Treelovingvegan wrote:

***yes we had our third discussion and he disclosed that while they were “maybe 2” boys in highschool, he kissed one of them twice. At a spin the bottle game & in their dorm room (they were roommates & other guy was gay with a boyfriend. He said he remembered not liking to kiss a scrufy face.).

He kissed his roommate while they were alone?  If it was a rare & unwanted occasion, why doesn’t he remember the precise number? I would remember.

Treelovingvegan wrote:

b]3. Wore my shorts to work once  because he said no clean laundry. [/b]

Is he afraid of germs or dirt? If not, any heterosexual man would wear his dirty underwear rather than wear girly short shorts.  My late GIDXH had this happen. (He couldn’t fit into mine.) He wore the dirty undies until he could buy a new pair at Walgreens during lunch.

Treelovingvegan wrote:

3. Sits to pee (but only in the master bathroom not our other bathrooms). He knows I’m uncomfortable with it but says it’s cleaner.

Got it. ***we had a huge fight about this. He has stopped sitting to pee but now refuses to use our master bathroom, after I told him that as a compromise— he continues to sit/stand to pee as he desires but just close the door so I don’t have to see. Ha! Maybe we should have been doing closing the doors anyways—-married life comforts I suppose— hahaha.

My husband closed the door when I complained about his sudden decision to sit down while peeing. He would leave the toilet seat up and pee on the floor. He began to spend a lot of time in there. He’d lock the door & I needed my toiletries to get ready. He wouldn’t let me in. I moved to the hall bathroom.  :-(

Treelovingvegan wrote:

4. Watched entire Netflix series “Hollywood” which has heavy gay content (in my eyes - it seemed like soft porn- though I totally don’t know what soft porn is—-I just know this show had many gay naked men kissing & walking around). 

Ok. FACT: He likes gay online content.

 **he swore to me he has never watched gay porn. I believe him that he has never watched it

I watched the trailer and found the sex scenes uncomfortable because it was explicit.  As a suggestion, watch the movie Moonlight (2016) together.  It’s a story about the life of a gay man from childhood to adulthood. I don’t remember sex scenes. Maybe you’ve seen it?

Treelovingvegan wrote:

And we as a couple & individually surround ourselves with very accepting people. We have so many friends of all shades of sexuality. So why would he be so homophobic about his own past experiences?

He may be bisexual or gay. He has to face the whole world where many are not accepting. It’s easier to have a heterosexual spouse.

The timeline of gay civil rights history is relatively short compared with African Americans and women.  Legislation and court rulings don’t change hearts and minds many times. Ignore the rest if you want, but I love history and politics. Here’s a quick rundown….


Timeline:
1924 - The Society for Human Rights is founded by Henry Gerber in Chicago. It is the first documented gay rights organization.

1950 - The Mattachine Society is formed by activist Harry Hay and is one of the first sustained gay rights groups in the United States. The Society focuses on social acceptance and other support for homosexuals.

April 1952 - The American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual lists homosexuality as a sociopathic personality disturbance.

April 27, 1953 - President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs an executive order that bans homosexuals from working for the federal government, saying they are a security risk.

September 1955 - The first known lesbian rights organization in the United States forms in San Francisco. Daughters of Bilitis (DOB). They host private social functions, fearing police raids, threats of violence and discrimination in bars and clubs.

July 1961 - Illinois becomes the first state to decriminalize homosexuality by repealing their sodomy laws.

September 11, 1961 - The first US-televised documentary about homosexuality airs on a local station in California.

Note: It aired on my local NET/PBS station. There’s a link to the documentary in the story. 
https://www.kqed.org/news/10552353/archivists-recover-lost-1961-tv-documentary-on-homosexuality

June 28, 1969 - Police raid the Stonewall Inn in New York City. Protests and demonstrations begin, and it later becomes known as the impetus for the gay civil rights movement in the United States.

1969 - The “Los Angeles Advocate,” founded in 1967, is renamed “The Advocate.” It is considered the oldest continuing LGBTQ publication that began as a newsletter published by the activist group Personal Rights in Defense and Education (PRIDE) in 1966.

June 28, 1970 - Community members in New York City march through the local streets to recognize the one-year anniversary of the Stonewall riots. This event is named Christopher Street Liberation Day and is now considered the first gay pride parade.

1973 - Lambda Legal becomes the first legal organization established to fight for the equal rights of gays and lesbians. Lambda also becomes their own first client after being denied non-profit status; the New York Supreme Court eventually rules that Lambda Legal can exist as a non-profit.

January 1, 1973 - Maryland becomes the first state to statutorily ban same-sex marriage.

March 26, 1973 - First meeting of “Parents and Friends of Gays,” which goes national as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) in 1982.

December 15, 1973 - By a vote of 5,854 to 3,810, the American Psychiatric Association removes homosexuality from its list of mental disorders in the DSM-II Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

1974 - Kathy Kozachenko becomes the first openly LGBTQ American elected to any public office when she wins a seat on the Ann Arbor, Michigan City Council.

1974 - Elaine Noble is the first openly gay candidate elected to a state office when she is elected to the Massachusetts State legislature.

January 14, 1975 - The first federal gay rights bill is introduced to address discrimination based on sexual orientation. The bill later goes to the Judiciary Committee but is never brought for consideration.

March 1975 - Technical Sergeant Leonard P. Matlovich reveals his sexual orientation to his commanding officer and is forcibly discharged from the Air Force six months later. Matlovich is a Vietnam War veteran and was awarded both the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star. In 1980, the Court of Appeals rules that the dismissal was improper. Matlovich is awarded his back pay and a retroactive promotion.

It was rare for black models like Tracey "Africa" Norman to break into the cutthroat lily-white world of modeling in the 1970s. Norman, who had exclusive contracts for Avon skin care and Clairol's Born Beautiful hair color, didn't tell anyone she was also transgender and had been born male. Once her secret was out, the work dried up. Here are some other notable moments in the recent history of transgender identity.

Transgender identity in the news
1976 - After undergoing gender reassignment surgery in 1975, ophthalmologist and professional tennis player Renee Richards is banned from competing in the women’s US Open because of a “women-born-women” rule. Richards challenges the decision and in 1977 and the New York Supreme Court rules in her favor. Richards competes in the 1977 US Open but is defeated in the first round by Virginia Wade.

January 9, 1978 - Harvey Milk is inaugurated as San Francisco city supervisor, and is the first openly gay man to be elected to a political office in California. In November, Milk and Mayor George Moscone are murdered by Dan White, who had recently resigned from his San Francisco board position and wanted Moscone to reappoint him. White later serves just over five years in prison for voluntary manslaughter.

1978 - Inspired by Milk to develop a symbol of pride and hope for the LGBTQ community, Gilbert Baker designs and stitches together the first rainbow flag.

October 14, 1979 - The first National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights takes place. It draws an estimated 75,000 to 125,000 individuals marching for LGBTQ rights.

March 2, 1982 - Wisconsin becomes the first state to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation.

1983 - Lambda Legal wins People v. West 12 Tenants Corp., the first HIV/AIDS discrimination lawsuit. Neighbors attempted to evict Dr. Joseph Sonnabend from the building because he was treating HIV-positive patients.

November 30, 1993 - President Bill Clinton signs a military policy directive that prohibits openly gay and lesbian Americans from serving in the military, but also prohibits the harassment of “closeted” homosexuals. The policy is known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

November 1995 - The Hate Crimes Sentencing Enhancement Act goes into effect as part of the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994. The law allows a judge to impose harsher sentences if there is evidence showing that a victim was selected because of the “actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, ethnicity, gender, disability, or sexual orientation of any person.”

September 21, 1996 - President Clinton signs the Defense of Marriage Act, banning federal recognition of same-sex marriage and defining marriage as “a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife.”

December 3, 1996 - Hawaii’s Judge Chang rules that the state does not have a legal right to deprive same-sex couples of the right to marry, making Hawaii the first state to recognize that gay and lesbian couples are entitled to the same privileges as heterosexual married couples.

April 1997 - Comedian Ellen DeGeneres comes out as a lesbian on the cover of Time magazine, stating, “Yep, I’m Gay.”

While accepting a humanitarian award in 2012, "White Collar" star Matt Bomer said he "especially" wanted to thank "my beautiful family: Simon, Kit, Walker, Henry. Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is." The actor married publicist Simon Halls in 2011, and the pair had their three children via surrogacy.

April 30, 1997 - DeGeneres’ character, Ellen Morgan, on her self-titled TV series “Ellen,” becomes the first leading character to come out on a prime-time network television show.

April 1, 1998 - Martin Luther King Jr.’s widow, Coretta Scott King, asks the civil rights community to help in the effort to extinguish homophobia.

October 6-7, 1998 - Matthew Shepard is tied to a fence and beaten near Laramie, Wyoming. He is eventually found by a cyclist, who initially mistakes him for a scarecrow. He later dies due to his injuries sustained in the beating.

October 9, 1998 - Russell Henderson and Aaron McKinney from Laramie, Wyoming, make their first court appearance after being arrested for the attempted murder of Shepard. Eventually, they each receive two life sentences for killing Shepard.

June 2003 - The US Supreme Court strikes down the “homosexual conduct” law, which decriminalizes same-sex sexual conduct, with their opinion in Lawrence v. Texas. The decision also reverses Bowers v. Hardwick, a 1986 US Supreme Court ruling that upheld Georgia’s sodomy law.

May 17, 2004 - The first legal same-sex marriage in the United States takes place in Massachusetts.

September 6, 2005 - The California legislature becomes the first to pass a bill allowing marriage between same-sex couples. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoes the bill.

October 25, 2006 - The New Jersey Supreme Court rules that state lawmakers must provide the rights and benefits of marriage to gay and lesbian couples.

May 15, 2008 - The California Supreme Court rules in re: Marriage Cases that limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples is unconstitutional.

November 4, 2008 - Voters approve Proposition 8 in California, which makes same-sex marriage illegal. The proposition is later found to be unconstitutional by a federal judge.

August 12, 2009 - Milk is posthumously awarded the Medal of Freedom by President Barack Obama.

October 28, 2009 - Obama signs the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act into law.

September 20, 2011 - “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is repealed, ending a ban on gay men and lesbians from serving openly in the military.

May 9, 2012 - In an ABC interview, Obama becomes the first sitting US president to publicly support the freedom for LGBTQ couples to marry.

September 4, 2012 - The Democratic Party becomes the first major US political party in history to publicly support same-sex marriage on a national platform at the Democratic National Convention.

November 6, 2012 - Tammy Baldwin becomes the first openly gay politician and the first Wisconsin woman to be elected to the US Senate.

June 26, 2013 - In United States v. Windsor, the US Supreme Court strikes down section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act, ruling that legally married same-sex couples are entitled to federal benefits. The high court also dismisses a case involving California’s proposition 8.

October 6, 2014 - The United States Supreme Court denies review in five different marriage cases, allowing lower court rulings to stand, and therefore allowing same-sex couples to marry in Utah, Oklahoma, Virginia, Indiana and Wisconsin. The decision opens the door for the right to marry in Colorado, Kansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia and Wyoming.

June 9, 2015 - Secretary of Defense Ash Carter announces that the Military Equal Opportunity policy has been adjusted to include gay and lesbian military members.

April 28, 2015 - The US Supreme Court hears oral arguments on the question of the freedom to marry in Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio and Michigan. On June 26 the Supreme Court rules that states cannot ban same-sex marriage. The 5-4 ruling had Justice Anthony Kennedy writing for the majority. Each of the four conservative justices writes their own dissent.

July 27, 2015 - Boy Scouts of America President Robert Gates announces, “the national executive board ratified a resolution removing the national restriction on openly gay leaders and employees.”

May 17, 2016 - The Senate confirms Eric Fanning to be secretary of the Army, making him the first openly gay secretary of a US military branch. Fanning previously served as Defense Secretary Carter’s chief of staff, and also served as undersecretary of the Air Force and deputy undersecretary of the Navy.

June 24, 2016 - Obama announces the designation of the first national monument to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBTQ) rights. The Stonewall National Monument will encompass Christopher Park, the Stonewall Inn and the surrounding streets and sidewalks that were the sites of the 1969 Stonewall uprising.

June 30, 2016 - Secretary of Defense Carter announces that the Pentagon is lifting the ban on transgender people serving openly in the US military.

August 5-21, 2016 - A record number of “out” athletes compete in the summer Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro. The Human Rights Campaign estimates that there are at least 41 openly lesbian, gay and bisexual Olympians – up from 23 that participated in London 2012.

November 9, 2016 - Kate Brown is sworn in as governor of Oregon, a day after she was officially elected to the office. Brown becomes the highest-ranking LGBTQ person elected to office in the United States. Brown took over the governorship in February 2016 (without an election), after Democrat John Kitzhaber resigned amidst a criminal investigation.

April 4, 2017 - The 7th Circuit Court of Appeals rules that the Civil Rights Act prohibits workplace discrimination against LGBTQ employees, after Kimberly Hively sues Ivy Tech Community College for violating Title VII of the act by denying her employment.

June 27, 2017 - District of Columbia residents can now choose a gender-neutral option of their driver’s license. DC residents become the first people in the United States to be able to choose X as their gender marker instead of male or female on driver’s licenses and identification cards. Similar policies exist in Canada, India, Bangladesh, Australia, New Zealand and Nepal.

June 30, 2017 - The US Department of Defense announces a six-month delay in allowing transgendered individuals to enlist in the United States military. Defense Secretary Jim Mattis writes that they “will use this additional time to evaluate more carefully the impact of such accessions on readiness and lethality.” Approximately a month later, President Donald Trump announces via Twitter that the “United States Government will not accept or allow Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the US Military…”

November 7, 2017 - Virginia voters elect the state’s first openly transgender candidate to the Virginia House of Delegates. Danica Roem unseats incumbent delegate Bob Marshall, who had been elected 13 times over 26 years. Roem becomes the first openly transgender candidate elected to a state legislature in American history.

February 26, 2018 - The Pentagon confirms that the first transgender person has signed a contract to join the US military.

March 4, 2018 - Daniela Vega, the star of Oscar-winning foreign film “A Fantastic Woman,” becomes the first openly transgender presenter in Academy Awards history when she introduces a performance by Sufjan Stevens, whose song “Mystery of Love” from the “Call Me By Your Name” soundtrack, is nominated for best original song.

March 23, 2018 - The Trump administration announces a new policy that bans most transgender people from serving in military. After several court battles, the Supreme Court allows the ban to go into effect in January 2019.

November 6, 2018 - Democratic US Representative Jared Polis wins the Colorado governor’s race, becoming the nation’s first openly gay man to be elected governor.

June 30, 2019 - New York Governor Andrew Cuomo signs a law banning the use of the so-called gay and trans panic legal defense strategy. The tactic asks a jury to find that a victim’s sexual orientation or gender identity is to blame for a defendant’s violent reaction. New York follows California, Rhode Island, Illinois, Nevada and Connecticut as the sixth state to pass such a law.

September 22, 2019 - Billy Porter becomes the first openly gay Black man to win the Emmy for best lead actor in a drama series.

February 10, 2020 - The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upholds a ruling that the state of Idaho must provide gender confirmation surgery for Adree Edmo, an inmate in the custody of the Idaho Department of Correction. The ruling marks the first time a federal appeals court has ruled that a state must provide gender assignment surgery to an incarcerated person. According to the court opinion, “the gender confirmation surgery (GCS) was medically necessary for Edmo, and ordered the State to provide the surgery.” In July 2020, Edmo receives her gender confirmation surgery and a May 2020 appeal by Attorney General of Idaho, Lawrence Wasden, is denied as moot by the US Supreme Court in October 2020.

June 15, 2020 - The Supreme Court rules that federal law protects LGBTQ workers from discrimination. The landmark ruling extends protections to millions of workers nationwide and is a defeat for the Trump administration, which argued that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act that bars discrimination based on sex did not extend to claims of gender identity and sexual orientation.

August 26, 2020 - The 4th Circuit Court of Appeals rules in favor of former student, Gavin Grimm. in a more than four-year fight over restroom policies for transgender students. The ruling states that policies segregating transgender students from their peers is unconstitutional and violate federal law prohibiting sex discrimination in education. The decision relies in part on the Supreme Court’s decision in June 2020, stating that discrimination against people based on their gender identity or sexual orientation violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

November 3, 2020 - The general election results in three legislative firsts. Sarah McBride wins the Senate race for Delaware District 1, and will become the nation’s first person who identifies as transgender to serve as a state senator. Ritchie Torres wins the House race for New York District 15, and will become the first Black member of Congress who identifies as gay. Mauree Turner wins the race for Oklahoma state House for District 88, and will become the first nonbinary state legislator in US history and first Muslim lawmaker in Oklahoma.

January 25, 2021 - President Joe Biden signs an executive order repealing the 2019 Trump-era ban on most transgender Americans joining the military. “This is reinstating a position that the previous commanders and, as well as the secretaries, have supported. And what I’m doing is enabling all qualified Americans to serve their country in uniform,” Biden said, speaking from the Oval Office just before signing the executive order.

February 2, 2021 - Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg becomes the first openly gay Cabinet member confirmed by the Senate.

March 24, 2021 - Dr. Rachel Levine, assistant secretary for health in the Department of Health and Human Services becomes the first out transgender federal official to be confirmed by the Senate.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 19, 2021 12:32 pm  #1716


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks everyone for sharing. In response to Treelovingvegan, I reckon your head: 

Lucky
Blessed
Fortunate
Scared
Unsafe

needs to catch up to your heart: 


Anxious 
Depressed
Insomnia 
Angry 

Most straight spouses already know the truth because their hearts: 


Anxious 
Depressed
Insomnia 
Angry 

have figured things out. You already know the truth in your heart but your mind wants to believe his version of things. In my opinion, whether your husband pees sitting or standing is secondary because your body is telling you this relationship is toxic. Put bluntly, how he pees and who he kissed in high school are distractions and a complete waste of your time/energy. Please note that I'm not criticizing nor mocking you my friend. We've all been through the same thing: bargaining.

If you are no longer having sex, your husband is (clearly) lying to you, you are desperately unhappy, and your husband (clearly) leans towards gay, I'd stop trying to figure out his sexuality for him and focus more on whether you want to stay shackled to a broken man with gay tendencies for the next 10, 20, or 30 years. 

Please post again if you have more questions. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (May 19, 2021 12:38 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

May 24, 2021 4:05 pm  #1717


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi,

One question: are the gay community sympathetic to what you did? 

My Great Uncle (by 'Great' he was born when homosexuality was illegal) is gay and I know for a fact holds women in such high regard and would be the first to say what you did was wrong. I find accusations that all gay men are misogynists and view us as domestic labour and something they are automatically entitled to really really hurtful and damn right wrong. When writing to your I feel so protective of him. I'm sorry if it is clear in my writing. When I told my Lesbian friend what had happened to me she simply turned round and said; "all I can say is... NOT RIGHT". Her Mother and Father rejected her, she didn't get it good! I know out members of the community are really tired and fed up of being made to feel like closeted members "dirty little secret". I think they get abused as badly as us. To be frank, I think if you aren't prepared to be out and proud, and willing to walk into a restaurant with them on your arm, you have no right to touch them and use their bodies for your sexual gratification. Period. They are vulnerable people too like us. And it bores me when men who, let's me honest fucked up, make out that out members who came out at a young age are 'less gay then them' or 'got it worse in regards to the family'. It's just not true! My Great Uncle would of loved children and made the most incredible Father. I see him as living a true life of sacrifice. He's a god damn hero! He loves women so much he would never marry one. Olly Alexander (Singer in the UK) wrote a song called "Sanctify", it's about the issue of closeted men using their bodies albeit claiming to be straight all along and making them feel like the freaks when they're the same! I am very up for acknowledging that the wives are not the only victim in this debacle. We are allies with them not you. I've read articles where married men say they feel lost as the gay community nor the straight like them. And I'm so sorry but I hope that's true as it makes me feel validated. But also that the gay community view men like you with serious suspicion as, unlike the straight community who are utterly misinformed, they have inside knowledge on how big the lie truly was.  

Please could you clear up once and for all, are the gay community on your side or ours? Do they sympathise with you or us? Is their high levels of misogyny in the gay community? 

I'm truly really interested in your answer and I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

Best,

ExBeard.



     

 

 

May 24, 2021 11:35 pm  #1718


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing ExBeard. In response to your questions: 

1. One question: are the gay community sympathetic to what you did? 

I'll try to answer this question although I admit that I don't really know who represents the "gay community." Based on my own experience, I've felt nothing but love, acceptance, and understanding from gay men. Gay men I interact with tend to focus on my coming out story and where I am now. I've never felt any hostility from gay men when I say that I was married to a woman. If gay men have any questions, it's mostly along the lines of, "Why did you marry a woman?" and "How are things with your ex-wife now?" In response to your question, I think most gay men understand why I married a woman for two reasons: first, the majority if us are born of heterosexual parents; and second, we all understand the societal pressure to marry the opposite sex and have children which is why most of us have messy coming out stories. There is, however, a great deal of hostility directed towards gay men who remain closeted and/or are still married to women. I reckon we're hostile towards gay/straight marriages because they represent the closets and societal pressures we fought so hard to escape. 

2. Please could you clear up once and for all, are the gay community on your side or ours? Do they sympathise with you or us?

These are excellent questions. In my experience, the gay community enthusiastically embraces and celebrates the LGBTQ person. Sadly, straight spouses get little to no recognition, perhaps because gay/straight marriages represent the dreaded closet on some level. As a straight spouse once wrote here, "Where's my f*cking parade!?" and I do agree that most straight spouses are largely forgotten or even erased. I find the LGBTQ community accepts straight people who are allies, meaning supportive of the community, but I've never had a gay man ask me detailed questions about my ex-wife other than, "Has she remarried?" 

3. Are their high levels of misogyny in the gay community? 

In my experience, no. I've only met one or two gay men who felt disdain or hostility towards their ex-wives, but not women in general. So in my limited sampling, almost no gay men are misogynists. The vast majority of gay men I know revere their straight mothers, love/cherish their sisters, and are surrounded by supportive straight female "besties." Conversely, I find that most straight women absolutely love gay men. 

4. I'm truly really interested in your answer and I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

You don't sound harsh at all my friend. I hope I've answered your questions and, if not, please don't hesitate to write again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (May 24, 2021 11:41 pm)

 

May 25, 2021 9:08 am  #1719


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

My sympathy is for the straight spouses. Gays and Lesbians divorce their straight spouses and lead their happy lives that they should have led and they  should have not passed as straight. .

 

May 25, 2021 2:21 pm  #1720


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Gloria. Points well taken. In response to ExBeard's questions: 

1. One question: are the gay community sympathetic to what you did? 

I'll try to answer this question although I admit that I don't really know who represents the "gay community." Based on my own experience, I've felt nothing but love, acceptance, and understanding from gay men. Gay men I interact with tend to focus on my coming out story and where I am now. I've never felt any hostility from gay men when I say that I was married to a woman. If gay men have any questions, it's mostly along the lines of, "Why did you marry a woman?" and "How are things with your ex-wife now?" In response to your question, I think most gay men understand why I married a woman for two reasons: first, the majority if us are born of heterosexual parents; and second, we all understand the societal pressure to marry the opposite sex and have children which is why most of us have messy coming out stories. There is, however, a great deal of hostility directed towards gay men who remain closeted and/or are still married to women. I reckon we're hostile towards gay/straight marriages because they represent the closets and societal pressures we fought so hard to escape. 

2. Please could you clear up once and for all, are the gay community on your side or ours? Do they sympathise with you or us?

These are excellent questions. In my experience, the gay community enthusiastically embraces and celebrates the LGBTQ person. Sadly, straight spouses get little to no recognition, perhaps because gay/straight marriages represent the dreaded closet on some level. As a straight spouse once wrote here, "Where's my f*cking parade!?" and I do agree that most straight spouses are largely forgotten or even erased. I find the LGBTQ community accepts straight people who are allies, meaning supportive of the community, but I've never had a gay man ask me detailed questions about my ex-wife other than, "Has she remarried?" 

3. Are their high levels of misogyny in the gay community? 

In my experience, no. I've only met one or two gay men who felt disdain or hostility towards their ex-wives, but not women in general. So in my limited sampling, almost no gay men are misogynists. The vast majority of gay men I know revere their straight mothers, love/cherish their sisters, and are surrounded by supportive straight female "besties." Conversely, I find that most straight women absolutely love gay men. 

4. I'm truly really interested in your answer and I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

You don't sound harsh at all my friend. I hope I've answered your questions and, if not, please don't hesitate to write again. Be well! 

 

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