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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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May 16, 2021 7:26 am  #1


New to this

Can MOM work if the spouse is in denial or still fighting/suppressing  their urges? Or does everything have to be on the table & both people work through it?

 

May 16, 2021 11:23 pm  #2


Re: New to this

Well, since a MOM can work for years, even decades, before the couple realizes they are in a MOM even if they’re fighting and suppressing their urges, I’d say yes. As for my marriage, things have shifted in such a positive way since my husband came out as bi. We’ve always had a pretty darn good relationship, but it was rough for awhile when he first came out. We’re in a wonderful position these days. My husband doesn’t suppress or fight... he acknowledges his desires, but now that he’s come out and completely accepting of who he is, his desires no longer bring the intrusive thoughts they once did  ... and my husband feels fully seen by me so it’s all good. We’ve been together 30 years. He came out a year and a half ago and we remain monogamous. It’ll definitely be good for both parties to be open and honest with one another. It can bring the couple even closer, but it’s a can be tough to get there. I haven’t read your other posts, but there’s often a lot of shame for the non-straight spouse that’s hard to get past. Also, I can only speak from the perspective of a straight wife of a bi man who’s not cheated.

Tangled

Last edited by TangledOil (May 16, 2021 11:32 pm)

 

May 18, 2021 8:51 am  #3


Re: New to this

So happy that things worked out for you TengledOIl.  My spouse has not shame. Glad that yours did. Best of luck to you.

 

May 18, 2021 9:04 am  #4


Re: New to this

I meant to say that my spouse/partner has no shame. He will not admit it. I am waiting on karma.

 

May 19, 2021 4:01 pm  #5


Re: New to this

Thank you, Gloria. Yes, my husband experienced a lot of shame over this... up until recently he didn’t consider himself bi. He always attributed the interest to exposure during childhood abuse sadly.

Tangled

 

May 19, 2021 5:39 pm  #6


Re: New to this

Treelovingvegan wrote:

Can MOM work if the spouse is in denial or still fighting/suppressing their urges? Or does everything have to be on the table & both people work through it?

I think you probably already know the answer to this...but this is really unhealthy. Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship. Dishonesty will slowly erode any relationship. Many here didn't find out their spouse wasn't straight until they discovered evidence of cheating or their spouse wanted a special pass to have sex with other people....sometimes years or decades into the relationship.

The more important questions are: Is this the kind of relationship you want? Is it fulfilling to you?(both sexually and emotionally) Do you feel loved and secure?

 

May 20, 2021 11:23 am  #7


Re: New to this

Thanks, Julian, for politely stating what I intended to say.

TangledOil, I am sorry for my angry words to you. I hope you’ll accept my apology.

You did tell me to stay in my own section in one of the posts the admin deleted. Am sure you said that out of reaction to my anger.

I assure you that I and probably everyone else reads the posts in all sections. I hope you do, too.

Perhaps this tiff can lead us to look at all aspects of the LGBTQI+ community with understanding and compassion. I hope it points us in the direction of understanding all aspects, pleasant and unpleasant, of relationships we’ve had and are having with that community.

Last edited by MJM017 (May 20, 2021 11:24 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 20, 2021 2:51 pm  #8


Re: New to this

Thank you, MJM.  I appreciate it and I do accept your apology. I actually do not read post in any other section here and haven’t for many, many months now. Occasionally a post in another area might catch my attention, but I just don’t have the extra time to spend here anymore. I just assumed there’s no reason for others (not in a MOM) to read the MOM section either. I have a fairly extensive education and career history in mental health, yet I have been appalled by some behaviors of the LQBTQ spouses here and it takes a lot to shock or horrify me. I still believe quite a few could be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I’m certainly not excusing their behavior at all. It just seems to me that in some cases there’s just more than the LGBTQ thing going on. 

tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (May 20, 2021 3:08 pm)

 

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