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April 23, 2021 10:47 pm  #1


Feeling Invisible

My husband of 33 years came out to me 4 years ago. I had no idea that he had homosexual inclinations. No idea! He has lived a secret life addicted to porn and eventually acted out with various men during our marriage. He has addressed his sexual addiction and hasn’t acted out for a couple of years. He may be able to manage his addiction, but I know he is not going to change his sexual attraction to men. Thus far have chosen to stay in the marriage. I don’t know if I’ve kept quiet to protect him, my children or myself. He says that his attraction to me is real so I guess he is bisexual.

We have not told our four children. I have told no one in fact. I felt great compassion for my spouse and have been supportive of his journey thus far. I have sought support and recovery in SA 12 step groups but have never openly addressed the homosexual piece.  I feel invisible and get triggered nearly every day by conversations, news stories, music, television, etc. I don’t know how much longer I can go on pretending.

I feel that he considers himself “in recovery” He is currently in a master’s program to be a marriage and family therapist. He is starting his internship at a sex addiction clinic. I should be happy for his recovery but I feel forgotten and abandoned and so very alone. I feel that his success came at my expense. He has an outlet but I am left here to quietly suffer in silence.  I don’t know if I can stay in this marriage. I think about suicide every day.  The isolation and loneliness is suffocating. Am I being selfish? Does anyone relate to the intense emotions of shame that I experience when wondering what people would think if they knew my secret. It is a heavy weight to carry alone but I honestly have no one to talk to. This the reason for this post. I guess I’m not asking for advice. I’m just asking for someone to tell me they understand how I feel.

 

April 23, 2021 11:16 pm  #2


Re: Feeling Invisible

Clm I hear you. Been there.  Nearly destroyed me. Thankfully I got angry and got out. 

The shame is not yours. What have you done to be ashamed of? Given your whole self to keeping this thing going through all his betrayals, secrets and lies to the point that you don't even want to live any more? HE should be ashamed for heartlessly driving his wife to the point of despair AND NOT NOTICING OR CARING.  Yeah some therapist, ignoring or oblivious to his own wife's utter despair in pursuit of his goals.  Where do these people get off?

Its his closet, not yours. You are not the liar, the betrayer, the manipulator of a loving and caring spouse. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

Tell your children. Tell the world. My husband betrayed and lied to me for 29 years and probably is still lying. Better still, get a lawyer and tell it to the judge in the divorce court.  Wouldn't look so good on his CV as a family therapist, would it? You don't have to lie for him, live in his closet or be his secret keeper.

The injustice that  he is getting all the advantage and you get nothing but pain ... its real.  Feeling invisible? - to him you are.  Your gut responses to your situation are on point.  Its not working for you in any way. You and your needs are nowhere considered in this marriage. 

The sad and difficult truth is that Only you know what is acceptable to you in a relationship.  Only you can take steps to remedy your situation if it is not acceptable to you.  Its working great for him, why would he change anything?

And ... Be wary of his 'recovery'. Ive read many a sad tale of men using sex addiction clinics for finding hook up partners. This man is stepping right into the belly of the beast for his internship.

Its ok to put yourself first and act for your own wellbeing.

Please please find yourself a good therapist and a good friend you can talk to. Do not tell your husband.  And get a lawyer and divorce this utter sociopath before he drives you to suicide.

Hugs and strength.  If your best friend told you your story, what would you feel for them?

Last edited by Soaplife (April 24, 2021 12:36 am)

 

April 24, 2021 7:51 am  #3


Re: Feeling Invisible

clm,

"..He is currently in a master’s program to be a marriage and family therapist. He is starting his internship at a sex addiction clinic..."

".. I think about suicide every day.  The isolation and loneliness is suffocating.."


Welcome. YES, we understand how you feel.   Yes we 1000 times get it.

  4 years?    The stress and anxiety must be overwhelming..  After I found out about the gay ..when my GX went out... I would physically shake from the trauma.... is she going shopping or are they having sex?  Why
do I have to wonder?    Does she care I wonder or stress?(no she did not).   
   I have no experience with reconciliation ..my GX did not want the marriage anymore.    But  just because you've forgiven him...what you are feeling is the horrible weight of the gay thing (TGT)...  ie..  are they meeting for a beer or having sex ?     It is a trauma and I hope you continue your own treatment and building a support system...therapy, medication to manage the stress if needed etc..    His becoming a marrriage counselor , to me, is not surprising..  If he's anytthing like some of the spouses we talk about here he's oblivious to your hurt and considers himself a God or  Supreme being  that can dispense his godly powers on others... all while you are hurting and considering suicide (don't do it these spouses are not worth it).     In a word ...he is arrogant.   Other word is narcisst.

So the horrible weight of TGT.. I don't know what proofs they can give they've changed or wont act on it again..  I think what you are finding is he really cannot..  Its so different than cheating with the same sex..
We simple will never have the body parts or be enough for them..  But we should be enough..that is what marrriage is all about.

I  urge you to build and continue your support system.  Observe his actions...not the gay..but rather his treatment of you... You should not lonely,  stressed, fearful,  anxious and invisible.    God would not want us to live this way...being hurt..over and over.    Stop supporting him and support you...who is supporting you?  (He sounds like he is supporting him and he is supporting him..  you are hurting and he is not hurting but thriving).

 Know that we are worth so much more...we are worth more than they can comprehend.  This I think you can feel in your bones as you use the word invisible.    Know that in this life , on this earth,  we have a task still... and I do not think its helping someone hurt us.

Last edited by Rob (April 24, 2021 7:57 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

April 24, 2021 10:07 am  #4


Re: Feeling Invisible

Anytime I see someone say they think about suicide, I say 'seek help now!' This is copied from our 1st aid kit post....

If you are having thoughts of suicide or considering harming yourself please know that there are immediate resources available to help you.   Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 if you are in the USA.  The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress as well as prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones.   If outside the US please lookup similar helplines in your own country:  http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

I think it's important you do have an outlet with someone you can talk to, doesn't matter if it's a counselor or close friend or family member. Internalizing this is not healthy, either mentally or physically. I've also noticed that many of us feel that we can't talk to someone and we worry about their reaction. You might be surprised at how many people you know that have had to deal with things like addictions, recoveries, traumas, etc. and respond in the best way. This is not your shame or some secret you have to hide from all. To be honest, I think your partner should be the one to tell family and friends what happened and where you are now.

This brings me to one last thought. I'm assuming the two of you have discussed this and mutually committed to making this work. It requires constant and honest communication. He may be so focused on his new career, he isn't seeing that you could use a life-jacket. Speak up - in the privacy of your own home, there should be no secrets.

Last edited by Daryl (April 24, 2021 10:08 am)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

April 24, 2021 11:54 am  #5


Re: Feeling Invisible

Hello clm,

Gosh, yes, I do understand feeling deep despair about my ex-husband’s sexual secrets. I contacted the Straight Spouse Network organization’s telephone (+1-773-413-8213) for help. I was given a local contact number & spoke at length with a volunteer who went through TGT. The SSN has Zoom support group meetings. Am sure they’ll give you an invite to one not in your area if there isn’t a local group. You’ll chat with people who get it.

I hope your husband understands what you are going through. Some people, spouses included, are so wrapped up with their own concerns they overlook or minimize the loving support they are obligated to give to their spouse. 

We get it - the pain, the disruption, the loss of a heterosexual marriage. It’s a lot for anyone to keep bottled up.

Please post here as often as needed.

Take care,
Maria

Last edited by MJM017 (April 24, 2021 12:16 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 24, 2021 2:50 pm  #6


Re: Feeling Invisible

Clm,

So sorry you’re having to go through this. Daryl is spot-on. If you’re thinking suicide, that’s the first thing you need to take care of......YOU. Take my word on this: it does get better, no matter the outcome. So, suicide is never the answer. I know during the hardest times after I found my husband had hook-ups with men, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue, but mostly because I didn’t know where to turn next. I took it step by step/ one breath at a time/ one day at a time. 

You’re right; being bisexual, he won’t change his feelings toward men. But, what he can do is change his actions. My husband stopped all activity with men after May, 2019 (just before disclosure....funny term..he didn’t ‘disclose’ at first....he was ‘caught’ with too many suspicious texts). Anyway, my point is that even though he would have preferred an open marriage (he already had one in his mind 🥴), I am strictly monogamous & it was the only way I could stay in the marriage. 
Since he didn’t want a relationship with a man, he decided to stay married instead of ‘being free’, as he originally put it. If he were free, he’d have about 20-30 minutes of ‘whoopie!” every week or two, and the rest of his lilfe would be meaniningless. Whereas, being married, we already have a life together and can build a lifetime with it and grow old with each other...be there for one another, etc. Much more fulfilling. So, that’s his choice..and, hope it doesn’t change 😉.
You say your husband is advancing and not noticing you. Have you talked with him about it? Do the two of you communicate regularly? It’s something we have trouble with...my husband has trouble talking about his ‘feelings’. It’s getting better.
Therapy helps. I noticed you are in a 12 step program & that’s good. It looks like he’s also in recovery for addiction...mine is too, but for substance abuse. 
I know what you mean about being triggered, but after four years, it should be better. that’s one reason I asked if the two of you talked. And, I know therapy helped me with that, too. I stay away from movies with gay themes (I’m not homophobic, but right now, I just can’t handle them & it’s all right for us to not ‘torture’ ourselves watching it)
Please feel free to post any time. Find someone to talk to..even if it’s just a therapist...better even, a friend or family member who has been through it, or at least won’t judge you. 
YOU are important! And you shouldn’t feel invisible. If there is any way to fix it, do. Stand up for yourself. Speak up for yourself....after all, he is a family therapist (or has studied enough to know to help).
Best of luck to both of you.
((((HUGS))))

 

April 24, 2021 4:47 pm  #7


Re: Feeling Invisible

You are not the selfish person in your marriage; your husband is.  The shame is not yours to bear; it is his.  You are not obligated to stay in his closet, nor should you; it is killing you.  (I stayed in my ex's closet for 18 months and I know just how insidiously debilitating it is to live in someone else's closet and take upon yourself what is his burden.)  

 In my judgement, your spouse has no business becoming a marriage and family counselor while living a closeted life or in a marriage in which he's offloading onto you the burden of his sexual orientation.  And it's probably unethical for him to do so.  He doesn't have a sexual addiction problem, he has a sexual orientation that he is calling a sexual addiction.  

  Your first step must be to find someone in your day to day life that you can unburden yourself to, whether it is a friend or family member or therapist.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 24, 2021 4:48 pm)

 

April 30, 2021 2:39 pm  #8


Re: Feeling Invisible

clm,

I hope you’re doing ok. Please check in if you have the time.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 5, 2021 11:58 am  #9


Re: Feeling Invisible

I am right there with you on much of this... I hope you can hang in there..I know it is hard.

 

May 10, 2021 4:56 pm  #10


Re: Feeling Invisible

Understand totally.  Many things you say in your post seem to give you your answer.
I dont know how much longer I can go on pretending.  I think of suicide everyday.  I dont' know if I can stay in this marriage.  The isolation and lonliness is suffocating.  Knowing what you know is devasting and hurts the very core of your family.  I feel for you. Who really cares what others think.  You have to take care of yourself.   I've been dealing with my spouse leaving me for a man for a while.  I was reconstructing my life after being in a pit for a while and doing good.  Then the triggers and  regressing.  Figuring out new plan to move forward and its hard.  I am getting a ton of encouragement from a Face Group page support group called Str8sbook. It's amazing to have so many people support you.  I am new but I have talked with a few people now, strangers, that just get it and get me.  It is really awesome to be able to talk with someone. 
Also the local group in my area just set up a small zoom for me so I could talk with other ladies.  It was very good and again they get it.  Go ahead and see if there is a contact in your area.  Get an invite to Str8book or somehow I think I can invite you if your reach out and we can connect.  You are definately not alone.
 

 

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