Hi RA,

First I'd like to say I agree with the other posters - if I were you I would be making my escape plans and wish you all the best.     

this is what caught my eye though - here is a couple of quotes from your opening post -

"...including revealing that in an issue related to my abuse, I thought about women when I masturbated. "


"... he had had 'bisexual experiences'.   My initial reaction was that I'd always though everyone was bi. But then I started to get angry, because, as I was about to learn about myself, I felt like he had let me fall in love with him without telling me who he really was. "


So I really like your comment about always thought everyone was bi.  I always thought everyone was straight.  And then, as a teenager though I knew about gay people it never occurred to me people would hide something so important.  again, judging others by myself - that's just normal I think, we live and we learn.

I have to say it seems to me that who you fantasise about in order to masturbate is the gold standard benchmark for determining your sexuality.  and I can't see how sexual abuse is going to change that.  I really can't.  Technically I can think okay think about a woman but my mind won't even go there.  If I want to feel sexy I need to think about the man I love.

From my perspective demisexual is the same as saying I am the monogamous type.  I am a romantic, I need to be in love to get that keen.  and yes my experience too was that it felt awful, a real betrayal for him not to have shared the truth of himself.





 

Last edited by lily (May 3, 2021 2:02 pm)

lily wrote:

..............I have to say it seems to me that who you fantasise about in order to masturbate is the gold standard benchmark for determining your sexuality................. 

 

If that's the benchmark...omg Lily, I only think of myself....Lmao!

E
 

razing_arizona wrote:

,........
. I am actually just extremely attracted to him and have a high desire for him; I feel desire for him more often than I feel hunger. But sex itself, eh, I could do without. 

 
Are you seeing your situation from the point of view of how you save you as a couple... Not you as an individual..?

RA - sorry but I didn't really follow your easy explanation - isn't the easy explanation genetics?

If I understand you correctly you are saying the turn on factor, due to having been abused, is it has to feel wrong and so thinking about women is wrong and gives you a turn on.  

sexual abuse is commonplace, and the general experience is that it doesn't change your orientation.  It didn't change mine -I  get the doing wrong or naughty aspect, I get the needing to be in love but my mind just does not go in that way towards women.  

On the assumption that masturbation includes climaxing then - well see for yourself what works!  

ps - Alfred Kinsey was gay.  He had treatment to rid himself of his gay urges when he was a young man but it didn't work and he ended up married with children and still gay.  Then he developed that scale.  It doesn't really work. 

A straight woman can be a bit tomboyish or a bit girlish but it doesn't change the 100% fact that she remains oriented to men.  

 

Last edited by lily (May 4, 2021 11:04 pm)

a large number of women are not straight.

bisexual is tricky isn't it.  I think it is disingenuous because it gives the impression of being both sexes and though, from what I have read, there are people born with one testes and one ovary it is less than one percent - so bisexual is not literally both sexes, also it doesn't include intersex in general but probably rubs along the edges of it.  say you are the child of one of these women who produce more testosterone in the womb so that it affects the physical as well as mental and emotional attributes of the baby - I think sometimes they get included but the ones I have met don't really seem to want to call themselves bisexual more than decide what sex they are though on a chromosomal level they are female.   Transgender doesn't fit in the bisexual category either though they are the ones who will sometimes say I feel masculine some of the time and feminine some of the time, they also are one sex or the other at a chromosomal level.  

so what does bisexual mean?  It means something for sure.  These are the people who like the Kinsey scale, it means something to them.  So, I don't want to be presumptive in saying what it means not being one myself but I can make observations.  There are different types who identify as bisexual.  so now I am going to have to go down another alley - sexuality is multi-factored.

without putting a lot of thought into it I'll go with 3 major switches.  Orientation.  Dominant/submissive.  Monogamy.

Your basic straight woman is oriented to men, submissive, monogamous.  Your basic straight male is into women, dominant, monogamous.  They fit together.   I am more tomboy than girly but that doesn't affect any of those switches, still basic model.  My ex was oriented to men, submissive, and I don't know about the monogamy, surface appearance yes but he did not form a bond with me, it was all one way, me to him.  He loved himself, he loved his closet more than any person.  so maybe not monogamous, maybe what he really wanted was to be a bit of a diva and have a whole string of dominant gay men panting at his feet.

Now sorry but those switches can't be switched both ways.  any more than Schroedinger's cat can actually be both dead and alive. 

ie from my perspective I consider all women who are oriented to women as basically gay and those who want a husband as bisexual - there seems to be a trend where the more a bisexual woman has sex with women and becomes emotionally involved with them the less she will want or be able to have sex with a man.