Sean wrote:

Thank you for sharing Jo. There is an excellent book that helped me unpack my own broken thinking. The title is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I particularly enjoyed the audio version of the book which I listened to a few times before I truly understood the author's message about something she calls "the work." I highly recommend it. Be well!  

Thanks very much Dean. I will look for it.

Lot of people might think me unusual, but my ex-husbands partner from when he passed has made cobtact with me couple times. I met him furst time at fuberal but my son had spojen of him often.

Sonis c hgeckibg in on him today.  We were all extremely dignified and kind at the funeral- and that was n o rice and commented on.  All if us were pall bearers. At end, My son, partners ex and I all walked together arms around each other behind t h e hearse.

Long term girlfriend of 15 years.  We probably had sex maybe 5 or six time in the first year then he was “too tired”.  I initiated all we did.  it always felt very mechanical, like I was having sex with a relative or something.  He literally sleeps with a big pillow between us when I did stay over, which I did on weekends maybe the first 10 years or so.  I had a stressful job and he has a very prominent and successful job and is a very well respected pillar in our community.  I retired a few years ago and immediately started caregiving for family and parents, all who have passed, the last being my Mom a month ago.  I am just now allowing myself to open my eyes and really think about what the heck I have been doing with this man and why.

I blamed myself for his lack of attraction and did everything I could think of to “be better”, changed my hair, clothing, became an excellent cook, had plastic surgery (breasts), changed my hair color and style about a million times.  I bought a hot tub for him, never used.  Wore lingerie to bed, walked around naked, etc.  Nothing worked. 

He seldom talks about anything other than surface things.  He  won’t accept gifts from me and if I do give him anything he usually gives it straight to Goodwill.  He won’t listen to me re any problems I am having, just changes the subject.  We have never gone on a vacation alone, always with his kids, who I love dearly.  We never never talk about anything deep.  We go to dinner.  That’s basically it other than he treated my family so, so kindly during our long ordeal of sicknesses and death.

A couple of years ago before I had to start 24/7 caregiving, he started showing himself to me, maybe on purpose maybe not.  He would always insist to sit at the bar in a restaurant, never a table and would talk quite a bit to young male waiters.  He would excuse himself to go to the bathroom and I would notice him talking to those same bartenders near the bathroom quite often.  He tipped them quite well and they fawn over him.  Sometimes, more now than before, we will be at a restaurant bar and a young nervous guy will come in and sit next to him.  I get a real vibe from him and he will literally turn away from me to face the young guy.  It is a different guy each time.  A lifelong friend of his made a joking comment the other night saying he (the friend) could never be gay because he can’t stand the thought of a colonoscopy.  He looked at my fellow and said in his direction “sorry”! 

 He doesn’t like me to have friends or go anywhere without him.  If we do go anywhere it is very controlled and we have to leave within about an hour.  

I love him as a person, I could love him more if he loved me like a man should love a woman.  I don’t want to cause a big problem for him in our small town.  I certainly don’t want to hurt his family.  I’m completely stuck.

So after  all this ranting, my question is could I possibly, in any universe, be wrong on this?  

Thank you for sharing Dixie and Gloria. I'm going to take a different approach and focus on your relationship Dixie before discussing your boyfriend's sexuality. You wrote: 

1. I love him as a person...

and your definition of love appears to be the following (these are your own words): 

2. Sex/Intimacy: 

- had sex maybe 5 or six times in the first year
- sex always felt very mechanical, like having sex with a relative 
- sleeps with a big pillow between us

3. Your relationship: 

- he seldom talks about anything other than surface things
- he won’t accept gifts from me and if I do give him anything he usually gives it straight to Goodwill
- he won’t listen to me
- we have never gone on a vacation alone

4. His behaviour: 

- he would always insist to sit at the bar in a restaurant, never a table and would talk quite a bit to young male waiters
-  he would excuse himself to go to the bathroom and I would notice him talking to those same bartenders near the bathroom quite often
- he tipped [staff] quite well and they fawn over him
- we will be at a restaurant bar and a young nervous guy will come in and sit next to him
- he will literally turn away from me to face the young guy
- it is a different guy each time.
- he doesn’t like me to have friends or go anywhere without him
- if we do go anywhere it is very controlled and we have to leave within about an hour

5. How this makes you feel: 

- I blame myself for his lack of attraction
- did everything I could think of to “be better"
- I bought a hot tub for him, never used
- Wore lingerie to bed, walked around naked...nothing worked 
- I don’t want to cause a big problem for him in our small town
- I certainly don’t want to hurt his family
- I’m completely stuck

Imaging if your daughter/step-daughter came to you and described the following relationship with her boyfriend: 

- sexless
- zero intimacy 
- little to no communication
- her boyfriend openly flirts with men when they dine out
- she's desperately unhappy and blames herself for the lack of sex/intimacy

My question for you is as follows: what advice would you give your daughter/step-daughter if she described the above relationship? Please post your answer then I'll comment on your reply and share my opinion about your boyfriend. Be well! 

Thank you for replying Dixie. You shared: 

"Sometimes, more now than before, we will be at a restaurant bar and a young nervous guy will come in and sit next to him.  I get a real vibe from him and he will literally turn away from me to face the young guy.  It is a different guy each time." 

This is so f*cked up it makes my teeth hurt. My questions are: 

1. Who are these young men? 
2. How does your boyfriend justify these men showing up while you're out together? 

I look forward to your responses. While I don't have a lot of information here, I'd suggest finding a counsellor or therapist who can help you understand that you deserve so much better than this complete loser. Setting aside the issue of his sexuality, I mean *sshole doesn't even start to describe how abusive and disrespectful this man is. You're better than this my friend. You mentioned feeling like a caretaker at times so I'd recommend visiting www.coda.org as a free resource. Please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Sean I looked at the coda brochure online.  I am pretty much every single characteristic.  Thank you for the referral