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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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April 8, 2021 4:59 pm  #11


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

My mistake.  When I read this in your initial post "At the moment, if he really is trans I don't see a future because I'm not attracted to women," I thought you were saying you would leave him if he were trans, not that you "could accept the Trans part" (what you say in your second post.

 

April 8, 2021 5:08 pm  #12


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

OutofHisCloset wrote:

My mistake.  When I read this in your initial post "At the moment, if he really is trans I don't see a future because I'm not attracted to women," I thought you were saying you would leave him if he were trans, not that you "could accept the Trans part" (what you say in your second post.

I'm sure that seems confusing. Well, hence the username. I don't see a romantic future but could possibly consider roomates.

C

     Thread Starter
 

April 8, 2021 5:53 pm  #13


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Hi Confused, I don't want to hijack your thread but

I've just been reading up on Ernest Hemingway and found this quote -

'you can divide women into two camps, castrators and love slaves.'  

great isn't it, very stark of course, trans not included.

I'm not much of a drinker but there sure is a time and a place for a glass of whiskey!  I think it might help to ask yourself just exactly why are you the one feeling confused when it isn't you with the issues.  I mean he could be in whatever state he's in and not know what he wants but unless he's being dishonest with you in some way, why would it end up with you feeling confused.  

It is uncomfortable to distressing to downright suffering to be kept in a state of confusion.

Last edited by lily (April 8, 2021 5:59 pm)

 

April 8, 2021 6:53 pm  #14


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

lily wrote:

 yourself just exactly why are you the one feeling confused when it isn't you with the issues.  I mean he could be in whatever state he's in and not know what he wants but unless he's being dishonest with you in some way, why would it end up with you feeling confused.  

It is uncomfortable to distressing to downright suffering to be kept in a state of confusion.

I guess I'm confused because I don't know if his thinking he is trans is real or a product of a fetish. Does he think he's always been a woman because he's spent hours and hours listening to hypnosis which tells him that he is? Why would he need to cheat (virtually) by engaging in explicit sexual talk and suggestions from others if he's trans?

How are the two related? Yet how are they *not* related?

Is the whole "I think I'm trans" just a conveniently timed misdirect to get out of trouble for the cheating?

Confused1976

Last edited by Confused1976 (April 8, 2021 6:57 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 8, 2021 10:05 pm  #15


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Of course they're related.  His online interactions give him, I expect, the opportunity to act while in his trans persona.  

 

April 9, 2021 8:07 pm  #16


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

OutofHisCloset wrote:

He, of course, will not want you to leave, and try to convince you to stay, and try to convince you that you are the one at fault for wanting to leave, but this is self-serving on his part.  

  You can't change him.  You cant make him stop.  You can't make him want to stop.  You can't save him.  Save yourself.

 

 

 
You are speaking to me so much rn! My husband is trying to convince me that I'm at fault for wanting a separation and to leave our house. He said, "why should I have to leave the house? You're the one who wants to separate, so you should go." I was completely flabbergasted. Mind effer!!

 

April 9, 2021 10:17 pm  #17


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Aurora,

Do not leave your home.  File the divorce and stay..  if he wants you to leave..tell him to sign the settlement. 
It amazing how they create the situation and then expect us to do what they want..the divorce/separation is not of your doing...There are consequences to what he  did.

It's a season, a valley.  But we are not citizens of the gay/trans/etc valley.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

April 10, 2021 11:02 am  #18


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Confused1976 wrote:

I guess I'm confused because I don't know if his thinking he is trans is real or a product of a fetish. Does he think he's always been a woman because he's spent hours and hours listening to hypnosis which tells him that he is? Why would he need to cheat (virtually) by engaging in explicit sexual talk and suggestions from others if he's trans?

First, I'm so sorry. Second, there is hope and you can be free of this madness.

To start, let's do a quick thought experiment where we change the word trans to "peanut butter". This isn't to make light of it, it is to prove a point.

I don't know if my husband really likes peanut butter or if it's a phase. Is he really into peanut butter content which makes him just think he likes peanut butter? Why is he sneaking eating chocolate if he really likes peanut butter as much as he says he does? Is this whole peanut butter thing a ruse for him actually liking chocolate?

If we were talking about food preference, your husband is the only person who can answer all of these questions. Only he knows what he likes and wants. In food or identity.

Sadly, you're in an extra special situation (which many of us here find ourselves in). While some people have an open, communicative partner, you can't trust yours because they're a serial liar and cheater. Even if we ignore the trans topic fully, their words do not match their actions. And so you're stuck in a loop of deciding where the lies end and the truth begins, waiting for some divine answer or additional information to make this 100% clear.

I stayed in a loop for 15 years. When answers came, I raised my standards. I explained away my spouse's actions. Her many affairs as "not affairs because of _____". I ignored my pain, trying to solve their hidden preferences, lies, and cheating. If I spent time looking at the details I would be distracted long enough to forget what a mess this all is. This must me a communication issue, right? It couldn't be purposeful, right?!

This is a long way of saying: when someone shows you who they are – believe them. Your spouse is an untrustworthy cheater who is confused about their own place in the world. I would bet good money that if you came back in five years you'd find them just as lost and chaotic as they are today. You can choose to live with that, or you can agree that cheating, lying, and becoming a woman aren't what you signed up for and live a different way.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.

Last edited by Upside (April 10, 2021 11:55 am)

 

April 12, 2021 6:55 pm  #19


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

I haven't posted much but I'm still mulling over what everyone said. It's literally been eight days since I caught him cheating and he came out as Trans. I feel some depression along with conflicting emotions of other types which I'm sure are normal.

I don't know yet if I want to stay or go. As one member said, he'll probably be the exact same in five years. This is true. Yet five years doesn't seem like very long to wait, in a sense. This is my second marriage. If I leave him I'll probably never have a relationship again. At least, I can't imagine it right now.

I checked his cell phone today and did not find any signs of cheating. I erased things on his Youtube (subscriptions) and a few other places. If they reappear I'll know he's probably cheating. I hope not because I told him the next time I was done.

I'm not quite ready to be done financially. I've been socking away money from my job, but if we split up it will be difficult for me to maintain a standard of living. It has taken both of ours combined just to rent a basement suite. We're one of those 'below the povery line' working couples.

So I have a lot to think about. Thank you so much for helping me.

Confused1976
PS I haven't gotten into the whiskey. I'm a very seldom drinker, so that's not really my thing though it seems at time as though it would have medicinal effects.

Last edited by Confused1976 (April 12, 2021 7:05 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 12, 2021 8:37 pm  #20


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Confused1976 it's really tough for sure, the emotional storm is overwhelming. You sound like you are being very sensible and very courageous in realistically weighing up your options.  I found as I kept going and kept seeking support on forums from people who have already been there, what I needed to do became clearer. And how to do it.

I found the strength to make a clean break when I realised nothing was going to change. It took a few months and I got a lawyer to help me with the financial stuff.  I ended up in a better financial position than I thought I would be. 

You might be able to access free or low cost legal advice in your area that could help you with getting your head round the practical implications of staying or leaving. It sounds cold but it isnt - I found having concrete practical knowledge was helpful and comforting as I worked on clarifying my thoughts. Knowledge is power.

I wish you peace and strength and wisdom in your ongoing journey ... only you can decide what is acceptable to you.

 

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