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April 7, 2021 7:54 pm  #1


My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

My spouse of five years has been cheating on me virtually for at least three years. He goes to sites like Hypnofetish and hooks up virtually with "Mistresses" who are supposedly hypnotizing him to be a woman. He says this is unrelated to his recent need to tell me that he is trans. Last time I caught him, two days ago, I watched as he erased accounts and blocked people. Honestly he's cheated so many times this way I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing it again.

So I've got quite a mental quandry. 

My husband thinks he's trans.
But I just caught him cheating on me.
The cheating is related to wanting to be hynotized into being a woman.

What the heck??

I'm not sure what to think or feel. At the moment, if he really is trans I don't see a future because I'm not attracted to women. This may partly be anger because he cheated, more than a closedness to loving him in the future. It's just all so sudden - he cheated, but he's trans. And I'm supposed to be ok with all this. (Maybe not the cheating part, it's hard to say) I'm certain  you're going to say get therapy. That would be great but we can't afford it. *This* is my therapy for right now.

Forget support. I need a whiskey.

Confused1976

Last edited by Confused1976 (April 7, 2021 7:55 pm)

 

April 7, 2021 9:31 pm  #2


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Maybe its because I just watched the final part of the Ken Burns documentary on Ernest Hemingway but drinking whiskey does not sound like a good idea. You don't need to sort out your thoughts and feeling right away but be kind to yourself and allow clarity to come rather than self-medicating.

Do you have a friend or relative in whom you can confide and who will be supportive of you? Someone who will listen to you and not tell you what to do but let you find your way?  You say that you don't have money for therapy but I suspect that his activities cost money.and that alone is a reason to object to what he is doing..

You need a clear head to get though the fog he's generating. Get sleep as best you can and I am sure others will respond later tonight..

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

April 7, 2021 9:33 pm  #3


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Confused - they really know how to mess with us, don't they? 

Whisky in one hand, phone in the other. You need a lawyer and a divorce, stat.

You can't afford therapy that might help you, but he can afford to pursue all his fetishes (its not cheap).  All about him and nothing about you.

Now is the time to make you your first priority.  Get out with what you can, work on recovery, and rebuild.  Better at five years than 25 - ask me how I know.

Its devastating to have to admit that your marriage that you entered into with love is dead - toast.  I hope you can make good decisions now that will benefit you long term despite short term difficulty.

 

April 8, 2021 2:13 am  #4


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Confused1976 wrote:

My husband thinks he's trans.
But I just caught him cheating on me.
The cheating is related to wanting to be hynotized into being a woman.

What the heck??

Hello Confused1976,

I’m really sorry this happened.

My late GIDXH used to yank my chain by telling outrageous lies, too.  This hypnosis bs is borderline abusive.

My only suggestion is to end this marriage.   This is no way to treat your wife.

Again, am very, very sorry.

Maria   


P.S. I just saw the final part of the  Hemingway documentary like Abby did. Google Gregory Hemingway, Ernest’s youngest child.  She transitioned to Gloria before her passing.

Last edited by MJM017 (April 8, 2021 2:19 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 8, 2021 8:29 am  #5


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Actually I had Googled Gregory Hemingway and the biography is more complex than that. Although he was born male. took medical steps to transition to female and used the name Gloria he does not seem to have become become fully integrated in this identity.

When he was arrested in Florida in 2001 for indecent exposure he was booked into a women's detention facility where he died due to medical issues but initially told he arresting officer that he was Gregory. This was not his first arrest. I found some suggestions written more recently that his desire to present as a woman may have been a fetish, which if true would make living as a female full-time difficult. 

I bring this up because these is more awareness now that hormones and surgery may not be "gender-affirming" but gender confounding. and that sorting out themselves can be a lifelong process. As spouses and partners how far are we willing to go to support them, and at what trauma to ourselves and our children?


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

April 8, 2021 9:19 am  #6


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Dear Confused,
     You seem to indicate that for you the decision to leave hinges on whether he is "really" trans or not (you seem to be willing to overlook the cheating).  But whether your husband is trans-identifying or not, he is deeply engaged in sexual activity that excludes you, and has shown you more than once that he is a person with a compulsion for this activity, and that he's not willing to relinquish this pursuit. Out of the five years of your marriage, he's spent three of them pursuing this compulsion of his.  He is a person with a disordered personality, and the question for you is whether you are willing to continue to be yoked to such a disordered person.  

 I speak as a person who divorced my trans-identifying spouse, who for years before I knew it was satisfying his similar compulsion online (and in other ways).  I, too, clung to the hope that he would "come to his senses."  I, too, thought I needed to know "what" he was--to label (diagnose) him.  Only after some years was I able to say to myself, "This is who he is.  He's been at it for six years that he's owned up to.  He's not going to change."  It took me years to realize that my desire for a label or a diagnosis was part of my effort to "fix" him; if I knew "what he was," I could set about fixing the problem.  It took me years to give up the search for a label and my efforts to fix him and decide, as someone here has said (Abby?):  "Whatever he is, he's not for me. 

You're three years into knowing about his compulsion.  Accepting the reality, and accepting that we cannot change them, is a high hurdle. I hope you can get over it sooner rather than later, because the longer you stay, the more misery and damage you will experience.  He, of course, will not want you to leave, and try to convince you to stay, and try to convince you that you are the one at fault for wanting to leave, but this is self-serving on his part.  

  You can't change him.  You cant make him stop.  You can't make him want to stop.  You can't save him.  Save yourself.

 

 

 

April 8, 2021 9:24 am  #7


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

A second note about the Hemingway documentary, which it appears several of us have seen:

When I heard the material on how Hemingway liked to role play with gender identity during sex, I thought, "That's what I thought I was doing when I was having sex with my husband according to his desire to "play the part of a woman" (his words).  I have said before that if that was all it was, I'd have been fine with it (as long as it wasn't the ONLY way we had sex).  Sexual experimentation of that type with my husband was fine by me.  But it wasn't just role playing.  

 What it was, what my ex was, was more like Hemingway's son Gregory, who got a sexual thrill out of wearing women's clothes and inhabiting the persona of a woman.  

 As my father, like Hemingway, was also a larger-than-life person (a bush pilot in Alaska) known for his daring feats, a "man's man" like Hemingway, volatile like Hemingway, and who like Hemingway committed suicide, that documentary hit me hard in a lot ways.

 

April 8, 2021 1:30 pm  #8


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Thank you all for your kind words. Actually I could accept the Trans part but the cheating not so much this time. The only thing is, as I explained to him with the Trans part, our relationship would change. I'm not attracted to women. This seems to surprise him, but it's out in the open for him to consider. He says he would never be able to transition without my help. I'm not feeling very helpful right now because he cheated. 

Yeseterday, I said this is not just about you. There are two people, and this involves me as much as you. We're going to talk about my feelings as much as yours.

I don't know if I believe hynosis can 'turn you into a woman' but it seems odd that as long as he's done that is as long as he's felt like he was trans. So there is a part of me that wonders if it's all just a fetish, and not one that I share or would want to share.

I know that the hypnofetish site was free (I checked) but I don't know if he's paid Pro Dommes/Mistresses. Maybe the question is, how can I not afford counsellling (for myself).

This whole thing is just. . .I barely have words for it. I feel like, in a way, because of how he's fetishized it, he's being insulting to people who really are trans and have always felt that way.

Confused1976

     Thread Starter
 

April 8, 2021 2:01 pm  #9


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Hello Abby,  I figured every straight spouse who watched the documentary would Google Gregory H.  That was meant for Confused1976.

**Deleted**

Last edited by MJM017 (April 8, 2021 10:10 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 8, 2021 4:51 pm  #10


Re: My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans

Confused I wanted to add that it’s physically painful and expensive to transition. It lends them to being continually ridiculed or harassed if they can’t pass for female. There’s physical violence against them sometimes.  Or it could be a fetish. Fear breeds confusion for them, I imagine.

I can empathize with the plight. I can’t empathize with partners who pretend they are straight or cheat with the type of people they are attracted to. We wouldn’t be posting if we didn’t have scars from this.

I hope you can relax (without the whiskey) and make the right decision for yourself.

Last edited by MJM017 (April 8, 2021 4:56 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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