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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 31, 2021 5:05 pm  #1


Is love enough?

After 11 yrs of marriage (13 together) and one child together, my husband told me 8 months ago that he was interested in men. He first thought he was bisexual, then gay, but still able to enjoy sex with me. That lasted for about 4 months, then he had not libido at all.
He says he loves me, but he's not sure if he can still commit 100% to our relationship. He still has a lot to figure out. 
Is there any way that a marriage can survive when both partners are sexually frustrated, and not 100% committed? 

 

March 31, 2021 7:58 pm  #2


Re: Is love enough?

Hi onceuponatime,

I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I think it’s very challenging if both partners aren’t committed to the relationship. What do you want in all of this? Please consider yourself and your needs. Also if the two of you want to attempt to save your marriage please seek out an LGBTQ aligned therapist for couples therapy. What do you plan on doing while he’s figuring it out? Also, I’d suggest you find an individual therapist for yourself. I don’t believe love alone is enough, but love is necessary. People can love one another and still not be good together.

I just read your other post and I’m going to send you a private message. I’m not sure you’ll be able to see it though until you’ve posted a few times.

Tangled

Last edited by TangledOil (April 1, 2021 3:29 pm)

 

March 31, 2021 8:49 pm  #3


Re: Is love enough?

Is love enough?

No. I don't think so. 

I love many people in my life. It's the passion that sets a marriage apart from those other relationships. Without it, you just have a roommate who splits the bills and childcare duties...that is, until he's "figured himself out" (found someone worth leaving his comfortable life for.) Life is so short...and we only get one. I think you deserve so much more. 

 

April 1, 2021 10:23 am  #4


Re: Is love enough?

One way love isn’t enough. It needs to be two way/both ways. No matter what happens with your marriage, BOTH of you need to be on board if it is to work, whether it’s going forward in a monogamous marriage or an open marriage, or however—-but no matter, it has to be BOTH. 

When I first found out about my husband’s bisexuality and cheating with men our entire relationship, he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay married monogamously (which is the only way I can do it), and for awhile, it was only MY love that was carrying it, and that wasn’t working. He said he loved me at the time, but wasn’t showing it much at all.

Now that time has passed and things have stabilized, we’re both working together as a team. We both realized how much we love each other (I went through a time wasn’t sure either), and now that we are BOTH trying, it’s working 😊.

Now that I’m older (and wiser? 😉), I do realize that love alone isn’t enough. It takes communication, commitment, total honesty, respect for one another at every turn, patience, and I could go on & on, but I imagine you get the idea. At first it seems like a lot of ‘work’, and wonder if it’s worth it....for us, so far it is as it’s getting better & better....fewer arguments over little things 😁.

Now that we have our vaccines, we may actually get to to out & have some fun! Who knows? Due to my being very high risk, we haven’t been anywhere at all for over a year. I’ve only been to Dr appointments. ..can’t even go to church because they all take off their masks when they get in to the church (backwards!)..but, with a mask myself, I’ll at least be able to go the week after Easter 🙂. And, even visit my sister 😃...and, who knows what lies around the bend! Maybe some real life! 😜...laughter (what’s that again?)....

Things will get better no matter what the outcome....hang in there!

((((HUGS))))

 

April 1, 2021 1:39 pm  #5


Re: Is love enough?

I generally don't post in this section but the title got me.

I used to think love was enough.  But I found when the other person is not giving the same amount of love then one person's love cannot overcome that.  It doesn't mean we don't have strong, fierce, absolute love for our spouse..it just means we are human..we dont have some other infinite and supreme power that will somehow change them and make them love us equally in the same way.

I thought about it a lot and concluded that yes marriage takes works but it can't be held together by one person. That doesnt make us weak or unloving.. because it's not supposed to be like that.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

April 1, 2021 4:59 pm  #6


Re: Is love enough?

The pain comes through in your writing, Onceuponatime. I'm so sorry.

Seriously, do you want to live in a marriage where sex is optional? Where commitment is constantly shifting?

If yes, then love is enough for you. If no, then you need more. There is no one right answer. There is just the answer that is in your heart.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.

 

April 2, 2021 12:03 am  #7


Re: Is love enough?

What Sean has said about his experience (ex gay in denial husband) was that once he slept with a man he found it a lot harder to sleep with his wife.  and that seems to me to be borne out as a common experience - once the bisexual husband connects emotionally with a man, the passionless sex with a woman is much harder to achieve.  His view is it's a one way street - you can't unring the bell - and again that seems to me to be borne out by other people's stories.  It accounts for the phrase bi now, gay later.  

The loss of libido could easily be related to that.

Sean will also say he knew he was gay all along.  This did not stop him from marrying and having a family.  

I look back now and all I can think is what sort of a love did my ex really have for me, he wasn't in love with me, and I think it was that he loved the way I made him look.

 

April 2, 2021 6:09 pm  #8


Re: Is love enough?

Hi...

I see that you joined the other group. Please post your story there in the correct channel to get support. Just to let you know, there are truly bisexual people. Most who say they are bi don’t eventually discover they are actually gay. It sounds like your husband is very confused about his sexuality.

I hope to hear more from you in the space.

Tangled

 

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