@longwayhome, thanks for taking the time to reply, we’ve been together for 18 months now, she’s actually helped me no end since my accident, therefore I’m torn about how much she gave me after such a short time together, she announced her bisexuality last August. Me being the empath that I am, I took time to understand what that actually meant and how much of an internal battle she has had, seeing this on line really annoyed me though. Bizarrely her admission last August had opened up a channel of communication that we previously hadn’t had before......complex? You bet. 

TangledOil wrote:

If she was married to a woman for eight years and she’s only recently coming to the idea that she is bisexual that must mean that she previously believed herself to be lesbian. Am I understanding this correctly? I’ve heard it said by some bisexuals and gays/lesbians that discovering their sexuality can take (the better part of) a lifetime. Certainly that’s not the case for everyone, but some find it difficult to figure themselves out. I think I’d be concerned that it seems she’s considered herself lesbian until only recently. The two of you definitely need some (and probably many) open and honest conversations about what it truly going on. 

Wishing you the best and take care of yourself. 

Tangled 

Thanks tangled, it’s an interesting one and a good question, when we first got together I talked to her at length about the very same subject, her answer was that she fell in love with the soul of her partner and not the gender and therefore she never thought of herself as lesbian.....so I said well that means you must be bisexual to which I got a stunned reply of silence. 

Tangled Oil wrote:
 "I’ve heard it said by some bisexuals and gays/lesbians that discovering their sexuality can take (the better part of) a lifetime."

I guess everyone needs a hobby.  Problems arise when those on this voyage of discovery don't inform their partners--from the get go--that this is their life project.  Too many of us are duped or manipulated into partnership with them, and then have the information dropped on us (or discover) that our partners are not who they told us they were.  To make matters worse, after the disclosure or discovery, too many of our partners then continue to try to manipulate us, or expect us to not only take the new information in stride, but willingly support our partners while stinting our own needs.  
 

@upside

we met 18 months ago via match.com. She told me pretty much straight away that her previous spouse was a woman, so we chatted initially about that, ie she told me that she fell in love with the soul and not the sex of her spouse, I thought fair enough, and obviously asked, so what’s changed in her seeking a hetro relationship, she said she missed the male form. I was injured  about 18 weeks after we first met, I was in hospital with my injury from January 20 til June 20, she realised she was bi in January 20 and admitted to me her sexuality in august 20. She met her previous partner at work, they no longer work with each other.

be honest, what are you thinking please?

Upside wrote:

Thank you for clarifying these details, Itsclem. From my perspective, this timeline is scary.

She lacks introspection. Her inability to find out what she likes is causing you significant pain. This confusion is unlikely to stop here, as indecision seems to be her destination.

Saying she "needed the male form" is a weird, legalese way to say she wanted a relationship. It sounds like she wanted to have sex with a man after an extended break.

Her confusion would be fine if she just was realizing that she liked peanut butter more than chocolate. But she is admitting that having sex with a woman wouldn't be enough to keep her happy. She can't fathom living without an actual relationship with a woman.

Now all of this is bad news. She is confused about herself. She needs to be in a relationship with a woman and you are a man. But then...

Your accident. In your most vulnerable time of need, the exact month you are in critical condition, her mind is thinking about women. I'd leave just on this point alone. The lack of care shown for you is disgusting. 

One pattern I've seen in cheating circles is that when a partner is mentioning opening a relationship then a potential partner is already in view. She isn't thinking in the abstract about sex, she's thinking specifically about a relationship with a person she knows. I would bet money that she acted on her impulses while you were in the hospital. This is how she knows just sex won't be enough.

In my opinion, she sounds like she feeds off of this chaos. Hers. Yours. This partners. My fear is that she's using you for financial stability while she finds the next (female) partner. Or that she cons you into being her stable resource while she can play. This is a common pattern here as well. If there is a chance of a payout due to your accident then she may be waiting for this to hit also.

Sorry for this long reply. I could be way off base, but this is my belief against what you have shared. It's an impossibly tough situation. My only question is: do you want to explore an open relationship? Because if yes, then give it a try. If not, then this really has no future. She needs an emotional relationship with a woman and this is delaying the inevitable.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.

your perception is very insightful Upside, let me have a ponder on the points you’ve raised. I’ve already decided that she’s on her way out, the drama has been too much from start to finish, and I’m sick of the confusion in her head being translated into “our/my” problem, the only thing I think you might be wrong about is whether she actually slept with anyone whilst I was in hospital, in any case I am beyond caring now. She’s the one with the problem, and you’re the first on here to speak clearly about my actual question. Many thanks