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March 19, 2021 2:51 pm  #1


Now What?

I don't even know where to begin....

My husband and I have been together for 20 years (married 15).  He's very handsome and masculine, in a bad boy kind of way.  Sex has always been an extremely important part of our relationship and our sex life has been amazing (similar interests and drives).

Early on I would occasionally find internet searches, gay porn, gay dating site (hairybears or something like that).  I confronted him and got lame answers, "I was searching for XYZ and it just popped up."  Like everyone on here seemed to do initially, I let it go.  Time would go by and things would be great, then another round of internet "pop ups" would surface.  I'd let it go, or if I confronted him with it he denied everything and start getting mad that I was accusing him of being gay.  In the fall of 2019, I felt a nagging and looked at his email one day.  I saw that he had signed up for a gay dating site (gaymaturedaddies, and was looking at gaytruckers).  I followed the link in his email to his account and aside from changing the birth month and day---year was right, and moving the next town over from ours, it was legit.  He hadn't signed up for full access which would require payment, but he could look and his profile was listed.  He listed himself as gay, no picture of himself at all.  I could see the profiles he had looked at.  All of the other typical dating site questions he left blank or chose the "Tell you later" option.  This bothered me so badly that internally I was a train wreck, felt sick to my stomach, you name it.  I sat on it and didn't tell him I knew, but every chance I could get on the computer without him home I was snooping.  I took pictures with my phone, emailed them to myself and printed them at work.  I actually went to see a psychologist twice without him knowing because I was so upset.  She looked at my evidence and deemed him gay or bi.  It didn't appear that he ever tried to message anyone, or couldn't on a free account, and I finally confronted him.  He denied everything and it was a stalemate.  The usual responses, "If I wanted to go that way why would I have married a woman?" etc.   Again, I let it go.  Things calmed down and then the pandemic hit and we were home together 24/7.  One day we starting playing a game where we would ask each other a question and most of them wound up sexual, which lead to a discussion about a threesome (which I would never do).  It evolved into a discussion about which gender the third would be.  He was open to either one, I said absolutely not with another woman.  The threesome conversation came up several times and once I was graphically describing that I would be watching and telling the third (a guy) what to do to my husband.  He was very into it and said he felt like this was something I really wanted to do, then offered to set it up and he was willing to do it FOR ME!  I didn't answer and he kept pressing, asking me if I wanted him to set it up to the point that I almost said yes just to see how far he would go!  The way he was acting I felt like he had a person on speed dial and could have it arranged for an hour later!  I started crying and felt sick to my stomach again.  He said, "It was your idea."  I told him that I never wanted to discuss it again and wouldn't want to see him with anyone.  Conversation kept coming back around to this general idea because I couldn't get it out of my head that he was so willing to do this "for me."  He noticed the theme and actually said to me that he felt like I wanted him to be bisexual!  I actually looked at him and said, "Where is the benefit for me if you were?"  It's not like if he were a prince or something with perks for me.  About all I got as far as validation, if you can could call it that, was him saying that it's hard enough to make a relationship work, so it you find someone you get along with than it doesn't matter if it's same sex or different.  We agreed not to talk about it anymore. 

Spring 2020, he tells me in bed on my birthday when we're getting romantic that he's bored sexually, which leads to a shitty birthday and me crying.  He says, "See, I knew I shouldn't have said anything!"  I told him it’s great to discuss things but the timing was all wrong!  This leads to him going on a buying spree of all sorts of toys, like stuff arriving almost daily.  It was too much too fast and I started feeling very uneasy sexually which caused performance issues for me, which upset him because I never had any issue previously, but I don’t think he made the connection.  He also started buying other stuff that left me questioning his orientation.  At one point I even asked him how he identified sexually.  His response was "same as I always have."   Of course I pursued it and asked "Which is?"  He said that although he's never had anything physical with a guy, he's open to it (if we weren't together), so he could be bisexual ("If you needed to put a label on it" was his quote).  He also said that since he's never been with a guy he considers himself hetero.  Apparently performance is the deciding factor in his mind.  This kind of opened up communication and he even showed me a folder of pictures on his phone.  All were men with the same physical type, built like him, in various stages of undress and poses (most flat out naked---playgirl stuff here).  He had been working out and weight lifting for about a year and he said these were images of the body type he was working towards achieving.  I can see having images to “inspire,” but pictures of naked men ready to perform?  Yeah, right, I’m not stupid. 

Fall 2020, I find another gay profile (bromodates) linked to his email.  Similar thing, change of birthdate and next town over, no picture.  This time I made a fake profile and basically stalked his profile checking often to see when he was online, which was a lot for an account that isn’t real…  Once I sent him a message saying "Hi handsome" and he responded with "I see you like bad boys don't ya!"   Now I'm pissed off and confront him flat out.  He denies it's him, doesn't know who sent me the message.  Said the email with the account link is spam.  I say it's signed up to your account!  He wants me to show him.  I open his email and go to the profile and show him.  He says, "My birthday isn't_____, I don't live in ____."  I can only imagine what my face looked like because I snapped back with "That's the best defense you can come up with?!"  Then he started with why would he have had three long term relationships with women, been married to two of us, if he wanted a guy?  Am I really going to keep accusing him of this because he doesn't need it, etc   As I said, I was pissed so I made a profile on a free dating site one day to see what else might be out there.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, I know.  Anyway, the prospects were dismal, however one guy did message me.  We exchanged a couple message (about music mostly) and he sent me his picture.  Stupidly I kept it on my phone.  Of course a day or so later my husband picked up my phone and saw the picture.  I said that I had talked to him a couple times one day.  My husband became so upset, yelling and acting like I had slept with 1000 men, and how could I do this to him, yet still insisted that he hadn’t done anything when I brought up his profiles.  Things calmed down again.

Where we are today…..he has recently outright told me that if we ever broke up he would pursue a relationship with a guy.  He said that he loves me and has been very happy with our marriage and wouldn’t do anything to cause problems (cheat, I guess?).  We have spiced things up to try and meet his needs (just the two of us---no threesome) but I fear that it isn’t going to be enough for him.  When I expressed my concern to him he said, “It’s going to have to be, right?”  He said that he isn’t going to do anything that I’m not ok with or that would end our marriage.  I asked him to tell me if he starts to feel like he needs more and he said, “Why, if I can’t do anything what’s the point?”  I said to remain open and communicate.  He then said, “Ok, I’m telling you, I need more, now what?”  I changed it and said, “What if I told you that I wanted to be with a girl, what would you do?”  He said he would ask me a bunch of questions and then take it from there.  He named some questions.  I said, “Ok, you’re happy with the answers I gave, now what?”  He said, he wouldn’t view it as competition, so he might be ok with it once, but he would never be in an on-going three way relationship.   I told him that being in a committed relationship there shouldn’t be anything intimate like that with ANYONE other than your partner and that I would view another man as competition, so to speak.  I told him that my jealousy and nosiness would drive me crazy if he went out for night to go do whatever with some guy.  No way in hell.  I also told him that I was genuinely afraid that if he did do it that he’d want it more (kind of have his cake and eat it too), or decide that he wanted to go that way all together and we’d be done.  He seemed to understand and was sympathetic to what I said.  He repeated that he wouldn’t do anything that I wasn’t ok with or that might damage our marriage, but he added as he was walking away, “But it might be fun to try once before I’m dead.”

So now what?!  My husband can be very stubborn and determined if he sets his mind to something, so I’m trusting his word, but I really feel that he may want to act on it at some point.  It’s so confusing because I feel like it’s hanging over me all the time and every time he’s on his phone I’m wondering what he’s doing! 
 
   


 

 

March 19, 2021 4:20 pm  #2


Re: Now What?

Kitty, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I would suggest you read  the FirstAid post, under the General section, it’s important information to consider.

You are at a stalemate point. I’ve crossed a similar path to yours in terms of conversation. If he hasn’t been cheating, why is he even on those sites, what’s his true intent? Will the behaviour change, or just go under cover again?

It’s a difficult road you are on, you need to look after yourself, ask yourself what are you really prepared to live with?  He has told you his feeling, sex wise  -  it’s currently not enough, so be warned by that. He has also told you he doesn’t want to hurt you, but this hurts, doesn’t? 

I’m so sorry you are facing this, stay strong, but most of all be true to yourself first and foremost. take care of you.

Last edited by longwayhome (March 19, 2021 4:21 pm)

 

March 19, 2021 7:19 pm  #3


Re: Now What?

well I guess the next thing is what if he does step out on you?  what are you going to do then?  If you are going to stay with him no matter what then you probably need to stop reading his phone and take up a new hobby to bring new friends into your life.  If not, if you want to know if he does then ask yourself why - how will it help you to know.

Personally I don't want to know what my ex does, well I do but I don't I'd rather give myself the distance from him.  It was enough to know he was gay and all the lying and deflection that goes along with hiding it for me to leave him.  Subsequently I have realised he did step out on me on the odd occasion - at the time I didn't ever think he was, but he was.

 

 

March 20, 2021 3:13 pm  #4


Re: Now What?

Kitty150 wrote:

I don't even know where to begin.... 

 
That's quite a story ☺️ Welcome to our Forum. You're a lucky woman... Yes I did say lucky..,. In that your husband is still engaged with you and talking about this.

My advice... Stop snooping. You know all you need to. Your husband sounds curious, bisexual but what do you want? You know what your husband wants. If you weren't around it would be men. And he's too apprehensive to lose all you've built up together. He'd rather fantasize about it, and that's no bed partner for a monogamous woman.

I started by having my own bank account. Then I changed my will to benefit my children rather than my partner (we're still together 36 years now) We stopped, at my request, having sex. All through the rocky parts of our time together I was the one to (try to) draw out his inner thoughts and feelings. I know now why it was so difficult….. He always had a part of himself he was unwilling to share and now I know why I no longer trust him to not lie or keep me safe.

My partner finds talking about sex easy when it's about his needs.,. But now we don't have sex he's silent. He's said he'll be monogamous. He's also said he'll never tell me anything again

I believe in myself. I believe I can love the life he gives me without sex.
I can wait for him to tell me he "can't do this anymore"

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 20, 2021 4:09 pm  #5


Re: Now What?

I think a better questions to ask yourself is not what you are prepared to live with but what you are prepared to live without? 

What is important to YOU? .Do you feel loved, respected, valued knowing what you know now? If these are feelings you need to have can you get them from your work, relationships with other family members and friends, your spiritual life?

It should not be a question of how much we can bear but whether we are willing to keep letting it be piled on.  


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

March 22, 2021 12:00 pm  #6


Re: Now What?

Thank you everyone.  

Lily --- if he does step out, or I find out that he has in the past then I'm done.  

Abby ---  I do feel loved and valued.  Our relationship had always been good.  He's romantic, supportive, helped me raise my two sons.  I'm hurt in a way that he felt the need to keep this part of him hidden, but it's out now.  I couldn't bear to see him with anyone else (male or female).  Interesting side note:  He had left wrist surgery in October and the doctor advised him to take off his wedding ring because his hand may swell and it would hurt.  It really made me think seeing him without his ring.  I didn't like it at all.  

Ellexoh_nz --- I agree that I am lucky that he has finally shared this with me, as I've read so many posts that women have not ever received answers.  I agree that the snooping serves no helpful purpose here.  I've always been extra nosey.  I can accept him stating he's bisexual, but I could not accept him acting on the desires.  

Longwayhome --- I don't know what his true intent is with being on those sites.  That's one thing he has denied all along, which is confusing of itself.  If he can admit to bisexual feelings and enjoying the idea of being intimate with a man, why deny looking at the dating site?  Only thing I can think of is because it moves things to the next level???

     Thread Starter
 

March 22, 2021 3:18 pm  #7


Re: Now What?

I'm sorry your husband has put you in this situation.

If he hasn't stepped out, he's certainly going as far to the edge as possible. Those dating accounts and the responses are very calculated. I would bet a large sum of money that he has acted on his impulses before.

Let me say that gay men aren't shy, and if I were so inclined could have a hookup in a few hours. Just today on a straight dating site a man messaged me and tried to have a hookup. He began with pictures, acts he wanted to perform on me, and his location. It's actually really scary how easy it is to find a willing gay male partner.

His intent is crystal clear: to explore sex with anonymous men behind your back. COVID may be making this tough. His hope over the past year was to see if you would be willing to allow this in a threesome or toys. At the least, he is cheating emotionally via these dating site actions and conversations.

Questions to ask yourself: why is physical cheating worse than emotional cheating? Isn't the real violation here his willingness to lie to you and gaslight you?

From my perspective, if you stay, this will get much worse. I stayed. I looked for evidence until I had 100% confirmation of my wife's bisexual affairs. Don't do this. You have more than enough to know that if you stay you will be questioning his actions and sexuality for the rest of your life.

If you must snoop, this guide can help. Again, I would not advise this. It is a dark road and nobody wins from this point on. But I think he's lying to you in saying he did not act, just like he lied in creating those profiles and messaging men.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.

Last edited by Upside (March 22, 2021 3:21 pm)

 

March 24, 2021 4:58 pm  #8


Re: Now What?

He sounds very hurtful and does not seem to care he hurts you. 

If you have to play the pick me dance what other things will he say he is "bored with"?   If you came down with an illness he sounds like he would get bored taking care of you?

Sorry..I was just thinking back to how hurtful and malevolent my GX is..much of her behavior had. Otbing to do with being gay.

Wishing you strength and fortitude..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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