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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 22, 2021 4:55 pm  #21


Re: What happens now?

Jstevens wrote:

I've been feeling good about everything again. Is there really no way for this to work?

I have to disagree with a few others here but with some qualifications. Anything is possible within reason. Is it probable ? That's a much harder to answer and I've not seen research that suggests the odds are great.

I'd say it comes down to how committed she is to you. Taking care of your needs instead of her own. Is she truly attracted to you and desires you or 'phoning it in' as the saying goes. If that's true today, can she maintain that over the long term or will it internally eat away and cause things like depression or the temptation to stray? Both of you have much to think about and I think it requires brutal honesty and constant communication.

You might want to look up some posts here by Dutchman. He was in a similar situation and described it in detail.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

March 23, 2021 7:56 am  #22


Re: What happens now?

Jstevens:
   I think the reason it seems as if people are dashing your hopes is that many of us experienced a kind of resurgence of hope after disclosure, when our spouses were sharing their innermost selves with us and relieved to be speaking the truth, and we were feeling their happiness in doing so, and expressing our love for them.  This closeness after disclosure is common enough to have a name: it's called "the honeymoon period." 

   As Daryl says, maintaining that closeness and that hope you can make your marriage "work" is a much dicier thing, and it is to a very large degree out of our hands.  We can't, through wanting it to work, and working hard ourselves--to help our spouses come out, to find counselors, to be sensitive to their emotions and changes, all things non-straight spouses arguably must do themselves--do it alone.  Our non-straight spouses must work as hard as we do.  Too often, our non-straight spouses are, understandably, fully engaged with their own struggles to become what they've declared they are, and all too often, our needs are not only not acknowledged or met, but actively discounted or ridiculed.  What a lot of us discover is that we've been the care-takers of our spouses all along, and our marriages have been less than equal in that respect. 

Daryl says "it comes down to how committed she is to you."  I want to emphasize that, especially the YOU part.  How committed she is to staying married, to maintaining life as she has it, is not the same as being committed to you.  

 It's also important to realize that her feelings--about you, about your marriage, about her life--are going to evolve and change as she explores and begins to act on what she has revealed to you; yours, too, will change, in response to her changes and actions, and as you are able to think beyond this first crisis period to what you want for yourself and your life.  

While it's understandable that what you want is to sigh with relief and sink into reassurance that your life will not change and your marriage will be secure, what we are saying is that you need to keep your eyes open, and to hold her to account in terms not of what she says, but what she does.

  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 23, 2021 7:59 am)

 

March 23, 2021 10:44 am  #23


Re: What happens now?

JStevens, I know it may be challenging to hear, but the advice in this thread is more valuable than gold.

Last year, I also believed a MOM (mixed-orientation marriage) could work. I believed we were different. My wife made endless promises. So much hope. That hope went away when I found her secret affairs with women.

Trust, but verify. Always.

Women who stay with men in this situation tend to do so for monetary reasons or to have children before they leave. Be careful in both areas. Do not have children right now until the dust fully settles from this, which may take years.

I did not listen. You may not. But know that for some reason this pattern is nearly constant.

Wishing you strength and happiness.

 

March 23, 2021 2:18 pm  #24


Re: What happens now?

Jstevens wrote:

I've been feeling good about everything again. Is there really no way for this to work?

To say there’s “no way” is about the same as saying “it’s a sure thing it’s going to work”. The only thing there’s really no way to know for sure, is there’s really no way to know anything for sure. This is something to take one day at a time/ one thing that comes along at a time.... It doesn’t usually happen overnight unless one of the spouses literally says ‘it’s over. I want out.”...and, even then, I’ve seen it turn around (my parents divorced each other & within a year -after counseling- got remarried to each other- so, you never know).

To start, BOTH spouses have to want it. I re-read your posts & couldn’t tell if your wife if actively dating/having sex with other women. If so, that is cheating and would have to stop for your relationship to have a chance. Like said before, it’s ACTIONS, not words that count. So, unless you want an open marriage, she would have to stop seeing all women.

Honesty would also have to be right at the top of the list of “must do’s”. 

To have it work, you need to have MANY open and honest talks. Communicate. If both of you truly care, then listen to each others’ needs and love each other. Again, it takes BOTH to do this. My husband & I set aside one day a week (you can do it whenever/however often you want) to talk to each other about issues that came up during the week. We also used communication workbooks to learn to communicate without arguing. We didn’t have a problem with that before, but we only did ‘lightweight’ communicating.....nothing really important) You need to talk about the important things in your lives. 

Therapy. First, each of you needs individual counseling. Then, when you get your footing & both of you feel you ‘know’ yourselves better, then a good idea is couples’ counseling. Find someone qualified with LGBT & interview THEM before hiring them. 

Be good to each other. Try to understand one another. Be careful not to say hurtful things that can not be taken back. It can work........ not saying it’s easy. BOTH of you need to be on board....

Best of luck. I can see how much you want it to work....now, does she?

 

March 23, 2021 3:39 pm  #25


Re: What happens now?

Jstevens wrote:

.......She said she wants us to work and will do everything possible. I am supportive and try to incorporate her interests into our sex life. We have a perfect relationship. We love each other, we spend time together and so many laughs. Truly feel this is my soul mate. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be strong and hold it together while she figures this out but feel anxious and sick like my life is ending and I cannot do anything. Those who have been here, what happens now?

 

You can never be 'in her head' though. She can promise anything and you don't know what she's really thinking. While she's figuring this out you need to figure yourself out. How can a woman you think is your soulmate...need time to figure out anything! If she figures out she needs a woman and not you or as well as you....could you live like that? 
All your energy is on a track that only knows your perfect r'ship. Your wife's energy is incorporating you + another. One is the 'comfortable shoe' and the other is a new exciting high-heeled discovery.

I do hope you're able to talk to a good friend/family member about this. More difficult for a man I do realise

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

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