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1 of 1- angry
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Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
I was married for almost three decades to a deeply closeted gay man, who was a 'pillar of the community.' He was picking up men in the adult bookstores, having gay sex on tropical beaches when he went on 'vacation alone,' and having sex with men in his hotel room that was paid for by his company. It had gone on since he was a teenager.
Master liar and no one suspected he was gay, and years later, after divorce , he is still in the closet.
My mid 20's daughters demanded the truth about two years ago.. so I finally told her the short version. 'We were divorced because your father is gay.'
Other older kids never asked me directly, and the reason for divorce has never been discussed with them.
Both kids have a better relationship with their father than ever; he finally pays attention to them and has been extremely generous financially. Absolutely, in my opinion, ' buying their love.' For example, he bought a far better house than a house that I will ever be able to afford. He. also had taken credit for paying for their college educations when I paid for half of their education, unknown to my children.
Well, tonight, I snapped. I called my daughter and told her the truth. About the numerous gay affairs, the unprotected sex, continuing to occasionally have sex with me without ever have STI testing, including the years when I was attempting to get pregnant, and he could have given the babies and me AIDS. The lies, the years that I thought I was losing my mind, the denials, and the fact that I am royally pissed off. My daughter's response was to cry and say that she indeed asked her father about the reason for divorce. Ex gave my daughter the 'poor me' response That he was born in a time that it was shameful to be gay, blea blea blea.
My daughter told me that it is now 2021 and that I should be 'fine with it, and basically that if I wasn't happy in the marriage, I should have left earlier. She also said that I should go out and date again and get over it. That she wasn't going to take sides. I also asked her if she had talked to her brother about their father being gay. . She told me that it was 'none of my business' and that it is 'not right' to tell people my ex is gay. That it is 'not right' for me to talk to my own son and tell him his father is gay.
She feels that it is her father's tale to tell. When I said that I have decided to tell people about the reason for the divorce, she asked, 'Is that a threat?'
I am so pissed right now.
I am also aware that my ex has no friends whatsoever, is still closeted, and treats my adult daughter like she is his substitute wife, as he has no one. He treats her like royalty, takes her on extravagant vacations, and buys her anything she wants. I am also pissed about that.
How is it that he flips the script again? My daughter is buying it, and I feel like I've lost her. The manipulation never ends ...how can any rational person believe that lying to a faithful, hardworking wife and when he is caught, suggests an open marriage as the solution...is all okay,
Hell no! I am really so pissed off...
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
Angry...I thought you were new but saw that you joined the Forum in 2016 
When I told my two youngest children (already adults) about their father they both reacted the same. My daughter cried, she was living in another city, and my son, who lived in the same city as me, comforted and hugged me. About 3 years later my other daughter emailed them both and told them I may need their support. Two things happened. My son messaged me, drove to my city to see me and took me back to his place for a break. It was hard but I told him everything, and he's been my rock. Asks me if I'm okay, we have an easy r'ship.
My daughter didn't message me, she said nothing, didn't seem curious/worried at all. So very quickly I learned I had to see my children as the adults they were, with different views on this, separate values and, I have to say, allegiances.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
Angry,
So sorry.. I usually dont talk about my kids but they are older now and I know, as a parent, how teenage and supposedly "adult" children can be.
//
Background paragraphs ..working title "The Kids". or "what to do about the kids, my poor kids".
My thoughts on the how to handle the kids, tell the kids, the kids.. etc may be a minority opinion on the board here but has worked for me to some degree. In a sentence my thoughts are (right or wrong) that TGT, my hurt, etc, are not the kid's burden to bear. They could offer no support during my time with this and , really needed a strong dad. Older now, they seem to forget the abuse and toxic house we had.
To me that is ok.. I wish I could forget like them.
My other belief (again right or wrong) is I need support on this earth. My family and friends are helpful to me but for the kids...they need support also. Their mother while not my wife or friend anymore is not dead... she can help with the kids. I need some use for her. Also I do not want to take my kid's mom away..that is of no help to them. She's certainly free to bad mouth me to them but I think she realized she needs some use for me also ...
My kids at this point in their lives do not ask about the divorce ..They just live their lives and accept the benefits of having two houses. I know recently my one kids friend's parents were getting divorced and
my kid helped the one parent move. I can only hope the friend (and the parents) see my kid is ok and they will be ok... two calm houses is better than one hurtful house. (straight spouse folks..your kids will be ok).
//
To Angry,
Where does that leave us . First your "adult" kid is typical of a twenty something...or maybe a kid, like mine, that has enjoyed the benefits of a mom and a dad.. I would expect the same response from my oldest if I described my abuse . But there is no benefit to me.. and I know in my bones, my kids would not understand or "get it". I would expect the same response you got... Gay is ok, get over it dad..
We here know TGT and the hurt we experienced is very hard for others to understand or grasp.. I would not expect kids, adult kids or even some family to understand our hurt..
Am I angry like you...sometimes you bet.. My kids will never know how much their mother hurt me but more so how much she hurt them financially and in many other ways. Also I cannot always, talk so freely to my kids...I do not want some thoughts getting back to their mother. Its a sad thing but something we must do to avoid more hurt..
I say you love your kids and if in the other house their love is brought and they love their dad... so be it. Try to make some use of that...you can hike a mountain and look at the sunset while they are getting "brought" by their dad. I do not think one can ever really "lose" their kids. Perhaps now it feels like that but even adult kids may need you ere the end...we hope not...but should your adult kids face a cheating spouse in their life I do not think they will go running to their dad.
God knows what we went through ..in this life and the next. I truly believe God is looking down and he sees the difference between wrong and right. All we can do is try to do what is right after going through this..we can still love fiercely and loyally. we can watch the sunrise and the sunset.
We can love our kids despite all they do and are... and perhaps that is one definition of "moving on".
Offering a big e-hug.
Last edited by Rob (March 16, 2021 8:03 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- angry
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
Thank you for the responses.
I am just fed up with the manipulation of my children on the part of the closeted EX husband.
I am also deeply disappointed in my daughter for the first time in 25 years.
It really hurts that daughter refuses to listen to me when I express my feelings of hurt for the first time. However, she can tell me how happy her father is now and how much HE has suffered in this society that 'forced' him to stay in the closet all those years, hurting me even further. ITs been hard for HIM, Mom.
So the narcissistic ex got everything he wanted....decades of a beard, and apparently the devotion of two children who are supporting him and appear to be discarding me.
I was afraid he would turn them against me. I kept his secret and as a result, I am the devil when I finally cant keep it bottled up inside me anymore.
This is one messed up situation.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
Angry,
They certainly seem to get everything they wanted. And our kids are raised where they see very few shows and movies showing the hurt we've been through...more the opposite where the gay spouse is celebrated ..It certainly brings up a lot of anger.. You simply confirmed that many of our kids will never understand our hurt. Neither do we get anything in this life for keeping their secret.
No its not right on so many levels... I think then, part of moving on is to get away from this .. to not dwell on it or think about it too much.. No contact for me is key...my kids rarely talk about the other house and I don't ask. It is not part of my life. If they start talking about about something I cover my ears and say lalalala.. When I think about the hurt and harm ..how I cannot talk freely to my kids... i try to thank God for the benefits... that getting me away from such a horrible GX is priceless... worth more than a billion dollars.
You are not a devil. Nor, should you should keep it bottled up.
Seek support from your hurt from friends, therapist...other family etc. Your kids have demonstrated they cannot or will not help. That is their use then.. for now. I always make it a point to never talk about my hurt with the kids.... if I'm hurting I call my family or friends. I know i can always gripe here and folks will get it.
Its sad but our kids are just not mature enough to be a counselor or understand...
Ellle sounds like she has some super adult kids. For now I think our kids are at an age where they just want a strong mom or dad..its all about them...little empathy...a bit narcissistic (like our exs). best we can do is find support and try to be a strong person more for ourselves..and then them. I don't think we can ever lose them...I don't think the kids want to be against any parent.. There is nothing in that for them ...they want a mom and dad. I tend to cut my kids a break when they are hurtful reminding myself that they are their mothers children...I know i did not teach them to be that way.
A kind ehug.
Messed up..for now.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
angry wrote:
........I am just fed up with the manipulation of my children on the part of the closeted EX husband.
I am also deeply disappointed in my daughter for the first time in 25 years......
I think your daughter is her own person, and personality, and you have to try to put your disappointment to one side and surround yourself with people who know exactly what you're feeling and have the empathy and softness when you need that soft place to fall. I live in the same city as my own aloof-to-my-situation daughter and hardly see her. She seems to have not realised how much her father has hurt me, or she doesn't want to admit it's happened {she's put her fingers in her ears, making tra-la-la noises, pretending everything is okay maybe)
I have decided not to ask her opinion nor open a conversation about it.
This mess-up situation it is disheartening but we/you/me can't make somebody feel the way we wish them to feel. It's up to them/him/her to want to understand, ask questions, empathise
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Gloria
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
I don't have children with this man so I don't have that problem. It would be hurtful if an adult child could not understand the pain.
- Upside
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
What. Bullshit.
Angry, I'm angry for you.
First, you can't win here. Kids want to believe their parents are demi-Gods. You finally treated them like equals and they can't handle it. Back in the vault reality goes for them until they ask. Friends, family, and the community need to be your confidants.
If I were you, I'd focus on the husband's cheating and lying as the prime concern. If their spouse cheated with people who might have deadly STDs, how would they feel? If they lied to everyone and gaslit them, how would they feel? Seeding these questions to make them think. They have been primed to believe "Gay is great" without thought to "what if that gay person is a lying, cheating, life-stealing jerkface?".
Fearing a situation like yours keeps me up at night. I literally stayed in my sham marriage longer just so I could get 100% proof of this abuse should I need it. And when my child gets to the age I will bite my lip and say my problem is failed core human decency and dangerous amounts of narcissism as a side-dish. TGT is the cherry on top of a crazy sundae.
Wishing you deep breaths and happy days ahead.
Last edited by Upside (March 17, 2021 1:31 pm)
- 38yrsGAMEOVER
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Re: Huge fight with adult child when finally full disclosure about gay dad
Wow I can relate especially when it's been years of marriage to such a deceitful person.
It truly is a mind twist and it is very hard for us straight spouses to move forward. We are left with so many layers to work through!
41/38 married and my now gex is living HIS life. Shhhhh......Oh and let's not mention he has a "deep" secret!!!. He makes very good money, he's even moved on and purchased a sweet new house etc... I am the one left to make major adjustments in housing, lifestyle and income.
There's been absolutely NO admittance from him what-so-ever. YES he's deep in the closet. Oh he did say to me over the phone, shortly after the divorce, that anything I saw and was making light of in terms of phone records, banking and credit card statements etc. was all a mind stretch on my behalf! HAHA Talk about GAYLIGHTING!!! Many body/Male Pelvic Massages on his long weekend trips to San Fran/Seattle. Oh and a phone call to the Worthington Guest House in Ft. Lauderdale to name a couple entries. I'm sure all I know is just the tip of the iceberg. Now that he's "edited" me out of his life he can live his life freely! Darned that COVID 19 .... wink, wink!!!!
We have 3 sons. Our youngest we lost to an overdose in late 11/2013. He had tried to convince me a few years before (while high) that his father was G-A-Y and I chose not to believe him. This is what really breaks my heart now that I know the truth.
Call me clueless! I was the best beard ever until the gex decided to grow some miniature gonads and leap out of the marriage.
After the divorce was final and the house was sold I thought I would have my closure, and all my anxiety would lift, once I sent my ex a video spelling out what I knew. Sadly the mountain of anxiety returned after a few short weeks! So then I decided to call his only older brother who lives out of State, (they've never been very close). He was very kind, consoling but took no sides. I know it was a bomb drop I unleashed on him. OH WELL! I haven't spoke to him since.
Meanwhile I found Bonnie Kaye and became a part of the Straight wives group and listened to many of her blog casts and the ladies in the FB group convinced me that I would not have peace until I told my sons what was wrong with my marriage!
So a couple months later I sat down and told my two oldest sons 34/38. They were both very relieved that I was not dealing with a major health problem. They didn't say much; although my oldest did mention his younger brother way back in the day saying something about their father, but he too, did not take him seriously.
It's been almost 6 months since I told my sons and they say very little about their father when we are together. I do know they've not spoken a word to their father in regards to his orientation...who knows if they ever will. All I know is I can FINALLY BREATHE! All the anxiety that I carried around for months has totally disappeared! Me finally telling my son's was living my truth and not being held captive in my ex's closet.
Like many have said on this forum this is their problem/secret not ours. I will no longer live his lie but my Truth.!!!
I will also say before I finally told my sons the truth there was so much tension when I was with them you could cut it with a knife. I don't want my son's to take sides but I do want them to know the WHOLE truth!!!. I just want them to understand on some level WHY I feel so betrayed. Their dad is their dad but I will no longer hide his secret.
I do agree that our societies views have changed over the years. Most people cheer and sympathize with the gay spouses plight, even friends and family while we straight spouses are left behind to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives in silence. I'm amazed how others act like it's no big deal. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on. It is all mind boggling.
Last edited by 38yrsGAMEOVER (March 17, 2021 10:41 pm)