Hi, I originally posted this on "Is he gay?" and it was suggested I post here. I'm quite relieved to have stumbled upon this site, and this discussion forum.

I am 53 and after my husband's last shenanigans, in which he tried to pick up one of my co-workers online (before he realized who she was), I had the moment of clarity that I needed, and told him that our marriage was officially over. However, we agreed that we would maintain our family home until our son (at that point, entering Grade 12) was successfully through high school and settled at his first-choice university. Covid hit, and one kid left but the other came back, so we held off selling the family home, but it's now on track to sell in the spring.

My ex-husband is short, not well-equipped, and a terrible kisser. But when you're young and in love, you overlook stuff. It was good enough, especially when we were really in the throes of passion. He is also a man's man - blue-collar worker, can fix anything, loud, gregarious, etc.

The first sign of trouble - for me - was when I was on my first maternity leave. I discovered receipts for visits to a "club" and when confronted he said that he was not getting any action at home, so he went there for a hand job. Super apologetic. I was a busy new mum, I soon put it in the back of my mind.

Kid #2 came along, my dad died unexpectedly when I was 6 months pregnant, and my husband's personality changed. He became negative, mouthy, intolerant, borderline racist, and just generally not a nice person. I was so turned off by his personality, and so busy with the kids, that it was pretty easy for me not to have sex with him - he was never that good at it anyway. He only performed oral sex on me if I was freshly out of the shower, and he preferred for me to be shaved. The actual act of intercourse was a few minutes, and I never achieved orgasm. Eventually I thought there was something wrong with me - I must smell, I must be gross down there, I've gained weight, he must find me unattractive, etc.

The years that followed were unbearable - while I tried to be a mother and father (he worked shift work) and raise two happy kids, and deal with his miserable personality, and his ridiculous rules that changed on a whim, and his nasty attitudes towards just about everything - he finally agreed to see a psychiatrist and started on a cocktail of medication for anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD - I can't even remember it all now.

Eight years ago, a random woman contacted me on FB and told me that she had been having an affair with my husband. I confronted him and he admitted that it had been going on for six months. We went to counselling, and we stayed together. Still no sex in our marriage. But we had just bought our dream home, I was not happy, but content, and thought that although the marriage wasn't perfect, it was probably in fact better than some unions.

Three years ago, I noticed he was spending a lot of time on his phone. He was increasingly irritable. I knew something was up, in my gut. I managed to see him punch his code into his phone and wasted no time picking it up when he left it unattended. I was shocked to see inappropriate FB messages to females at his workplace. But really shocked and dismayed to see text messages to men, sharing dick picks and arranging for "car fun". 

I confronted him again, and he had a complete emotional breakdown - he swore that it was just exciting and he would never, ever follow through, he never had any intentions of it being more than erotic conversations, etc. I offered him friendship, support, help while he tried to figure out if he was maybe gay. He pushed me away and told me to stop thinking that way. He was absolutely NOT GAY. We talked about him maybe being a sex addict. He agreed that that might be true. He went to see a counsellor for a few sessions. Nothing ever came of that, except that she thought he was on too many mind-altering medications and they worked together to get him from six to three. 

After the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - when he tried to pick up my work friend - and we officially called it quits - I knew that he was back online trying to date. I was online too. Nothing more fun that finding your ex-husband's profile on Tinder, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Facebook Dating!  I teased him, and told him I would help him write a better profile, take some better pics, etc. because I was determined that we would part amicably - we owed our children that at least.

Just before Christmas, I was contacted by a random woman on Facebook, and she messaged me a very cryptic message. I replied back, she replied with an equally cryptic message and then she blocked me because none of my subsequent messages went through to her. I confronted my husband again, and he admitted to texting her, and that she was "unhinged" and a "complete nut job" and that he didn't see the red flags until it was too late. I told him he needed to be more careful about who he was bringing into his life, because it would have been pretty disturbing if she had also sent a similar message to our daughter, who is also on Facebook.

Last week, I was messaging another friend and I saw her message - I wondered if I was still blocked so I sent her a message and she replied! What ensued was a very interesting and somewhat therapeutic electronic conversation. She eventually revealed that he had met her in person, and yes, they had sex. She said that he made plans to see her again, but stood her up. She said, "I think he was just happy receiving regular blow jobs from his married friend, who lives near you." 

So - you guessed it - I confronted him again. He was seeing a new girl and they were planning their third date and he seemed quite cheerful and happy. So I said, "I know you don't want any dating advice but you're probably thinking about being intimate with this new girl, if you haven't already. I would just advise you to be truthful with her about your sexuality." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "because if it were me, I would absolutely want to know if my new love interest was having regular oral sex with another man." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "it has been brought to my attention that you're seeing a married man in our community. This is a small place, and people know people. I feel like you've been really careless and I'm afraid our children will find out. How do you think they will feel if they find out? Have you thought about that?" And he continued to reply with one-word answers, totally avoiding eye contact. (a couple of days later we had a huge fight and he denied being bisexual or gay... so I'm left suspecting... regardless he's definitely a narcissist and first-class *sshole)

I'm a complete disaster emotionally. I have so many questions that only he can answer and chances are he never will. I'm angry because he has always been so intolerant of gay people and I think he's a hypocrite. I'm angry because I feel like he's never been honest with me, for maybe our entire marriage. I'm angry because I always wondered if I pushed him towards these affairs because I didn't want to have sex with such a miserable beast of a man. And maybe it wasn't my fault. completely. I'm angry because when I'm with another man, I'm always wondering, am I good enough? Do I smell? Should I shower before? Should I shave? Does he find me attractive? And I'm angry because I feel like I was denied a normal, healthy sex life for 20+ years and now I might have so many issues I may never be capable of having a normal, healthy sex life.

I know I'm rambling, I know I'm overthinking, but it really helps to write this all down. I don't have any questions, except for him and I know he will never answer those, but it helps to know that I'm not alone. 

P.S. one of the signs I've read was increased interest in fitness - he goes to the gym every single day! I thought he was just fanatical about getting back into shape after two artificial hips! 

Thanks Abby! Did I not start a new thread?! DUH. I'm sorry!

Hoping you're doing okay MovingForward. You sound like you both are communicating well, which is a massive advantage to dealing with such an unexpected bombshell. Hoping you both can stay cordial and move through this awful moment swiftly. Stay strong and know that the pain gets smaller each day.

DonnaL, I'm so sorry, but your husband sounds like he is a sex addict. 

First, none of this is on you. It is his choices and his fault. Nothing about you could cause this in him.

Second, get some support. On these forums. In therapy. I would recommend COSA which is an online support group for spouses of Sex Addicts. We can help get the venom out.

Third, it is not your responsibility to change them. My wife is a love and sex addict. She will stop at nothing to get her fix. She will lie to my face. She will put our family and her kid in harm's way. She will never take ownership. And she has no remorse. I had to accept these things and NOTHING I could do could change this. Once I did that, I was able to plan a future free of her deceptions.

Fourth, you learn who they are when you try to leave. You may get demonized or canonized. But they will do all they can to keep you, because you allow their addiction to thrive. In many ways, you are the physical representation of their addiction. Once you leave they might have to *gasp* confront reality.

Fifth, I spent far too long wondering what label my spouse was. Lesbian? Bi? Curious? Poly? The reality is that addiction made them do whatever they wanted in that moment. Who knows. All I can say is that she broke the boundaries and lied at every chance to hide them. It isn't up to me to decide what is real. And I'd encourage you not to worry about labels, just look at actions. His are abhorrent and you deserve better.

Sixth, lawyer up. Time to get serious and start moving. They can't change. You aren't responsible for them. They will try and keep you no matter what. But if you want to be happy, and stable, and free of this madness you have no choice but to move on. At the least, you owe it to your children.

Again, I'm sorry you are here. I stayed in a "that won't happen again" marriage for 20 years, ignoring reality in hope tomorrow will be brighter. Addicts cannot make that promise. Protect you and your family. There is a future free of this pain waiting for you out there.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.