Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

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November 11, 2020 2:50 pm  #21


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

JJ
  I'm worried about you.  In two posts today you have gestured toward death or suicide. The situation with our spouses isolates us and makes us feel alone, and the pandemic heightens feelings of loneliness.    Please reach out to a friend or family member for company so you will not feel so alone and desperate.   

 

November 11, 2020 2:55 pm  #22


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

I’d love to know why. TTT and declaration of bi (possibly GID looking at it from the outside) never came up until several years into the relationship. Yet I was screamed at for never disclosing I was hetero.

I ask myself a lot why start a relationship with a woman with a “woman interested in men” profile in online dating when you have this long standing interest in TTT and somewhat in men (to my knowledge he received photos from at least one man during or relationship but I do not know to what extent he has had relations with men). Why not seek out someone more compatible in that way? Even if at the time he was not sure about TTT I’d imagine someone more fluid/flexible in their sexuality would be a better match.

The financial benefits have been immense for them. Home, food, shelter, car, collectibles, now clothes, shoes, makeup, medications, laser, etc on me but surely that could have been had with a more compatible person. And now that TTT is all out in the open that is the only guess of why they haven’t just allowed the relationship to end and left to pursue their new life. He has made a point to tell me all his exes were “very hot women” and he took a chance on me for my personality so clearly I’ve never been attractive to him so again why the insistence to maintain the sham?

 

November 11, 2020 3:41 pm  #23


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Zenobia, In my experience, they insult, put you down, they are trying to destroy your self confidence. Don’t let him. Know that looks are not what makes a person beautiful. It’s who they are on the inside that counts. By the way, I bet you are beautiful. It’s also my experience they will tell you the opposite of what the real truth is.

JJ, I share this article on grief. It helped me, i hope it helps you. Know this too shall pass, nothing, nothing stays the same. Be well. Takecare.

https://blog.paolabailey.com/floating-through-grief-62e43486390f

 

November 11, 2020 3:42 pm  #24


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Oops duplicate post.

Last edited by longwayhome (November 11, 2020 3:48 pm)

 

November 11, 2020 4:33 pm  #25


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Thank you longwayhome the comment about the “hot women” was very much an attempt to be hurtful and perhaps try to make me feel thankful for the relationship in spite of the turmoil brought about by TTT. Had it come earlier it would have been crushing but when it happened I was able to see how it said a great deal about him and not me.

Since TTT my spouse has shown themselves to be very much into external looks (that comment about exes, comments about hair length, frequent use of the scale etc) which they had not exhibited before. It was more of a well there is a question as to if he is attracted to women in a romantic sense (in which case I’d not be a suitable match) and also I do not meet his personal beauty standard so why on Earth pursue the relationship at the start let alone insist the relationship still exists. A great deal of the accusations and terrible things said during that period were probably a lot of projection.

JJ I do hope you are taking care and being gentle with yourself.

Rekamc - At one point I handed my spouse his phone and a preview of an explicit photo text from a man was on his Lock Screen. I asked if he were gay and he said no and something about just exploring his female persona online. I honestly don’t recall the excuse given but at the time and now even after the TTT proclamation he doesn’t consider whatever it was he was up to cheating at all. Did get an admission of bi after TTT announcement finally. I know each situation is different but in some cases it seems they want everything with the straight spouse to be the same but at the same time have this whole other life and self and expect there to be zero impact on the old life.

Last edited by Zenobia (November 11, 2020 4:45 pm)

 

November 15, 2020 5:52 pm  #26


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Is it just my experience producing bias, or are gay/lesbian partners/spouses substantially more abusive and inhuman than the average? I've had incredible difficulty dealing with society's embracing of Pride and abusive people. How does the lay person not recognize that coming out means someone has likely massively abused another straight person for years? How is this celebratory, and how does this reflect humanity of straight people? 

Also, why do people on this forum keep saying it will get better? If you've known the person your entire life and they were part of your fundamental life, isn't society's embrasure of them further proof of callousness across society, and reason to fear others in general? Acceptance of people who are knowingly abusive-- and it will get better? I don't see any improvement to life if everyone accepts and cheers decades if abuse as a matter of course.

 

March 3, 2021 1:32 pm  #27


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Why do they refuse to come out? They benefit more from lying.

Coming out takes effort. One has to risk emotional comfort, financial support, social status, relationship with spouse, stability with children, and an idealized future. Lying about one's sexuality allows a person to maintain all of those things, while getting their secret sexual or emotional desires met. They believe they will never get caught.

Chump Lady's summary that cheating is a character issue is right on. These people have decided to use us for our utility, because they feel they are special and deserve more.

The thought that I can't wrap my head around is how spouses can deny reality when there is tangible proof. There are so many on here, including my own. I've come to the conclusion that they know the truth paints a picture that is impossible to recover from, and the benefit we provide to them is so great, that they will commit to their lie however they have to.

Admission of any other reality than their own is not allowed. It is a form of control and manipulation to believe anything other than their sacred word.

 

March 3, 2021 2:02 pm  #28


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Upside, you are so right.  My trans-identified ex was initially hell bent on transition, but once I said I wasn't his therapist and made him see an actual therapist, who made him confront the reality of transition and a life lived as a trans person, he decided transition and life as a trans person would be "too hard," and decided to stay in the closet, living his fantasy life as a woman only at home.  A closeted life gave him the best of both worlds, and he didn't have to risk any of the things you list: "emotional comfort, financial support, social status, relationship with spouse, stability with children, and an idealized future."  That I had the worst of both worlds was not something he cared to think about, or, if he did, he didn't care. 

 

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