"Now that you know he's gay, what are your plans?" Sean

Wow, Sean! That is quite a sentence. It struck me. You could probably end many of your posts with that statement. By the time many of us post in your thread, we already "know" our spouses are gay; we just need validation from someone who knows some of our spouses perspective. To hear, "What are you plans?" It takes the ball off the gay spouse's court and puts the ball in the court of the one who should matter the most to us...the straight spouse.

There was a lie in my marriage about where he had been late one night, a lie that I'd heard for 18 years, that once I had that in writing, verified in legal form, we could not come hack from. That lie, and another and..., should have been cleared up a long time ago when he was being "honest and forthcoming." That was a lightswitch moment for me. My way of thinking stopped being a search and rescue mission and became a recovery mission to determine what was left to be salvaged and move on. The narrative then became about me. What were my plans going to be? We are divorcing amicably and I have a home lined up that I'm preparing to move into with my girls.

Thanks for being a lightswitch for so many of us.

What are my plans? Onward...and upward.

Sean wrote:

I think most women posting here already know their husbands are -pink-unicorn-level gay. Clearly their bodies already know because most suffer from insomnia, depression, and anxiety. But I reckon the heart needs to let go; particularly when kids, finances, and lost dreams are at stake.     

I have yet to find the, "I'm a caring bisexual husband who wants to save his marriage" network....because it doesn't exist! 

Yes, that is a good point, Sean - no forums for a 'I'm caring about my wife and family more than myself' bisexual husband though there are plenty where he can hook up with other bisexual husbands.  And so then they can share that pink emotion, maybe fall in love.  Or they can continue to sacrifice their pink emotions to keeping their closet intact, and just hook up for the sensation of sex without allowing their heart to be involved.

For the heart to let go you need to fall out of love.  You need to let the rose coloured glasses fall, and that happens when it does.  I think religious beliefs play a huge role in keeping a straight stuck in a miserable marriage.  It is hard to believe the person you feel of all people you can trust to have your back is betraying you with every breath he takes at the best of times. but when your religious beliefs are uppermost in your mind it gets harder - and here's an example from my marriage - so my ex says to me way back in the early days that I am not to look to him to make me happy.  nowadays I would answer who else should I look to?  but back then, though I had a subconscious grasp of the realities of life along with the normal expectation that some time in bed with him would make me happy, I agreed with him because who else should I look to for my happiness and fulfilment than God, anything else was a bonus.

so yes, it was a matter of moments watching him reminisce about the men n his life what can I say, it's visceral isn't it, once I saw that girly pink emotion there was nothing theoretical about it any more.  And it would have been like that at any time in our lives - if he showed me who he was I would not be in love with him any more and that's as dire a choice as it is to live in the closet - to quash your loving feelings because if you show them your wife will know you're gay.  

At any time he could have showed me and I wouldn't want to be married to him but I find that I am very comfortable with gay friends showing their feelings, it's lovely, much more fun and good company.

Sean wrote:

Would it be fair to say that some straight wives are hoping for miracles? Rather than see their husbands as gay men who pretended to be straight, they think of them as straight men who are temporarily showing gay tendencies.. 

well I guess we all tend to look for miracles when we get really bad news - it's not just the women, the men can be just as unrealistic.

When you take the marriage off the table then what is uncovered? - grok he was gay and instantaneously I was catapulted back into the dating pool.  At my age I was on the front foot but in your 40s? no we tend more to be on the back foot at that age.  and what we face is daunting the fears we had as well as the new ones.   the hopes we had, now cruelly dashed and yet still in need of resurrecting.

maybe some of the reluctance to get to that point is self-protective.

 

Thanks for sharing Gloria. I don't have a lot to go on so please gage my opinion accordingly. However, if I were a gambling man, I'd say: 

"older man-Tinkertonk young man-HM?" 

...that the 'older man' is your boyfriend, 'Tinkertonk' is the profile name of the 'young man' and "HM" means "how much?" In the gay community, "twink" refers to younger gay men so does 'tink' mean 'twink'? I'm not sure. Again this is just a guess because there is so little to go on, but it sounds like an older man asking a younger male prostitute how much he charges for sexual services. Then again, this could be a text message about some lamp he's selling on eBay. Based on my exchanges here with other straight spouses/partners, if you're in the "checking his phone" stage and he's still having sex with men, I reckon you won't be together for much longer. 

Hope you are well Gloria and that you're focusing on the most important person: you. If anyone has questions for a gay ex-husband, please post them here. 

Last edited by Séan (March 2, 2021 3:47 pm)

Good luck Gloria, don't forget to make yourself your priority, and please keep sharing my friend. I recently listened to a "Straight Spouse" podcast with Dr. Joe Kort and it certainly gave me a lot to think about. I reckon I've spent most of my time here bashing the damaged husbands of straight spouses. Call it a form of penance for all of the terrible things I did to my ex-wife and kids during my own excruciating coming out process. But what if my approach has been totally wrong? If you're unfamiliar with Dr. Kort, he's a gay therapist from America who wrote "Is my husband gay, straight or bisexual?" Dr. Kort is rather controversial because he claims straight men can have sex with other men...without being gay. During the podcast/interview, I found myself feeling defensive because for years I've posted: "If he's watching gay porn, has sex with men, and no longer has sex with you (his wife), then he's clearly gay."   

So what's my point? I'm wondering if my obsessive need to define a man's sexuality is somehow counterproductive. Case in point: if your husband watches gay porn and has sex with men, there really isn't a need to assign a sexual label. HOWEVER, both husband and wife should work like hell to acknowledge that an attraction to men is clearly an integral part of the husband's sexuality. And if we've learned anything from the spectacular failure of gay conversion therapy, no amount of therapy nor prayer can change a person's God-given sexuality.

Following conflict/confrontation about a husband's sexuality - often after the straight wife finds overwhelming proof of cheating with men - there follows a limbo/bargaining/honeymoon stage during which both spouses try their best to turn back time. (I've often referred to this as trying to "put the pink genie back in the bottle.") This may include an attempt at renewed intimacy, trying new things in the bedroom like pegging, and eventually (at his behest) opening up the marriage to new (male) partners. This is often referred to as "mixed orientation marriage" or "MOMs" and there is a section in this forum dedicated to MOMs. I've made no attempt to downplay my disdain for MOMs, likely because my own was so spectacularly unsuccessful.

I've often shared here that before a straight spouse falls down the rabbit hole of trying to define her husband's sexual orientation, she should start by finishing these sentences:

Love for me means...
Marriage for me means...
I want a husband who...

If you haven't had sex in years, your husband has been on gay porn for years, he has cheated on you, and enjoys anal stimulation, whether you like it or not, this is how your relationship will likely continue because this is part of his sexual DNA. And no amount of counselling or you policing his devices is going to make it all go away. So I reckon your MOM has a chance if you choose to acknowledge and accept his true sexual needs...oftentimes at the expense of your own. If your definition of love/marriage includes what he really wants: threesomes (with another man); gay porn; anal toys/play; and perhaps letting him "have his needs met" without you, then perhaps your relationship has a chance because you're dealing with reality. Or perhaps your definition of marriage is more about friendship rather than sex which could also work. If however your definition of love/marriage includes traditional elements like monogamy, intimacy, and a husband who truly desires you, please look at your relationship based on his actions and hard facts, not empty promises nor excuses. (Caveat: straight spouses should keep in mind that there is a short honeymoon after conflict so please look at things after about 3-6 months following a blow up.) For example, if after a year of couples counselling he still won't have sex with you because of [insert bullsh*t excuse here] while still fapping 24/7 to gay porn late at night, you'll eventually have to accept that this is the marriage he wants, and then compare it to the marriage you deserve.  

So where does all of this leave us? Most straight spouses I've exchanged with spend months or even years desperately trying to answer the question: "Is he gay?" I believe the better question to ask is: "Is this man capable of being the husband I need?" I hope that makes sense my friends. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (March 3, 2021 4:57 pm)