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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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February 20, 2021 1:11 pm  #1661


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

He was very interested in sex but I just wanted to be friends. I met him through another friend (a straight guy) who remarked that he acted "gay" HIs best friend did not think so. He's eccentric and I thought that he was just different. I did not see red flags until January of 2020. I have no doubt that he's gay. I have heard that "coming out" is very difficult. I hope he has the courage to tell me one day.

 

February 21, 2021 1:44 am  #1662


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Gloria. In response to your post: 

1. He [current boyfriend] was very interested in sex but I just wanted to be friends. I met him through another friend (a straight guy) who remarked that he acted "gay."

As I shared in previous posts, there are some common red flags in gay/straight relationships: 

a. Your first impression is "he's gay"
b. Friends and family also suspect "he's gay"
c. You start off friends, before the relationship becomes boyfriend/girlfriend
d. The relationship is mostly platonic and/or he seems totally disinterested in heterosexual sex
e. He mentions a previous relationship with a man, "when I was younger..." 

2. He's eccentric and I thought that he was just different.

Ok. Please define "eccentric." 

3. I did not see red flags until January of 2020.

Please share these "red flags" here as it might help other straight spouses. 

4. I have no doubt that he's gay. I have heard that "coming out" is very difficult. I hope he has the courage to tell me one day.

Now that you know he's gay, what are your plans? Thanks again for sharing. Be well! 

 

February 21, 2021 3:08 pm  #1663


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

We have talked in private messages so I have answered all of the statements except statement 2. Eccentric to me means different. This man likes opera and classical music. He may start singing in another language when we are in public. His friends all understand. My ex husband was the first organic gardener that I ever met. That was different to me. None of my friends or family mentioned to me that he might be gay. The friend that I mentioned that said he acted gay is a gun carrier, deer hunter, etc. He may think that anyone who does not kill animals is gay. 

 

February 22, 2021 6:24 am  #1664


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Gloria. I do recall our private messages and won't disclose anything unless you give me permission. On that note, I do encourage straight spouses to share EVERYTHING here. Understandably, when straight spouses first start posting here, most are in a state of nervous shock. Over time, however, I find that most can eventually write "My husband's gay!" and no longer feel the need to man-splain away cheating, dishonest husbands who are emotionally abusive and sexually neglectful. I hope that one day you will feel comfortable enough to share more about your gay boyfriend, but please take as much time as you need. If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, feel free to post them here.  

 

February 22, 2021 9:06 am  #1665


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

"Now that you know he's gay, what are your plans?" Sean

Wow, Sean! That is quite a sentence. It struck me. You could probably end many of your posts with that statement. By the time many of us post in your thread, we already "know" our spouses are gay; we just need validation from someone who knows some of our spouses perspective. To hear, "What are you plans?" It takes the ball off the gay spouse's court and puts the ball in the court of the one who should matter the most to us...the straight spouse.

There was a lie in my marriage about where he had been late one night, a lie that I'd heard for 18 years, that once I had that in writing, verified in legal form, we could not come hack from. That lie, and another and..., should have been cleared up a long time ago when he was being "honest and forthcoming." That was a lightswitch moment for me. My way of thinking stopped being a search and rescue mission and became a recovery mission to determine what was left to be salvaged and move on. The narrative then became about me. What were my plans going to be? We are divorcing amicably and I have a home lined up that I'm preparing to move into with my girls.

Thanks for being a lightswitch for so many of us.

What are my plans? Onward...and upward.

 

February 22, 2021 12:19 pm  #1666


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for posting MyExodus. In reply: 

1. "Now that you know he's gay, what are your plans?" Sean. Wow, Sean! That is quite a sentence. It struck me. You could probably end many of your posts with that statement.

Great idea! 

2. By the time many of us post in your thread, we already "know" our spouses are gay; we just need validation from someone who knows some of our spouses perspective.

Agreed. I think most women posting here already know their husbands are pride-float-Cher-loving-Rupaul's-Drag-Race-watching-pink-unicorn-level gay. Clearly their bodies already know because most suffer from insomnia, depression, and anxiety. But I reckon the heart needs to let go; particularly when kids, finances, and lost dreams are at stake.     

3. To hear, "What are you plans?" It takes the ball off the gay spouse's court and puts the ball in the court of the one who should matter the most to us...the straight spouse.

Most straight spouses are caretakers and healers. You're saints. I think it's incredibly telling that straight spouses turn to books, couples' therapy, and this forum to fix their husbands and/or save their marriages. And what does Daddy Denial do to save the marriage? He buys a burner phone, swaps d*ck picks online, heads back to the local porn shop's video booths, and updates his "Hungry Gay Hole" classified on CraigsList. I have yet to find the, "I'm a caring bisexual husband who wants to save his marriage" network....because it doesn't exist!      

4. There was a lie in my marriage about where he had been late one night, a lie that I'd heard for 18 years, that once I had that in writing, verified in legal form, we could not come hack from. That lie, and another and..., should have been cleared up a long time ago when he was being "honest and forthcoming." That was a lightswitch moment for me. My way of thinking stopped being a search and rescue mission and became a recovery mission to determine what was left to be salvaged and move on.

Well said! 

5. The narrative then became about me. What were my plans going to be? We are divorcing amicably and I have a home lined up that I'm preparing to move into with my girls. Thanks for being a lightswitch for so many of us. What are my plans? Onward...and upward.

Good for you and I'm glad the divorce is proceeding amicably. I hope you and your girls find happiness...without your gay husband. Onward indeed.

Thanks for sharing. If any straight spouses have questions, fire away!

Last edited by Sean (February 22, 2021 12:29 pm)

 

February 22, 2021 6:20 pm  #1667


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean wrote:

I think most women posting here already know their husbands are -pink-unicorn-level gay. Clearly their bodies already know because most suffer from insomnia, depression, and anxiety. But I reckon the heart needs to let go; particularly when kids, finances, and lost dreams are at stake.     

I have yet to find the, "I'm a caring bisexual husband who wants to save his marriage" network....because it doesn't exist! 

Yes, that is a good point, Sean - no forums for a 'I'm caring about my wife and family more than myself' bisexual husband though there are plenty where he can hook up with other bisexual husbands.  And so then they can share that pink emotion, maybe fall in love.  Or they can continue to sacrifice their pink emotions to keeping their closet intact, and just hook up for the sensation of sex without allowing their heart to be involved.

For the heart to let go you need to fall out of love.  You need to let the rose coloured glasses fall, and that happens when it does.  I think religious beliefs play a huge role in keeping a straight stuck in a miserable marriage.  It is hard to believe the person you feel of all people you can trust to have your back is betraying you with every breath he takes at the best of times. but when your religious beliefs are uppermost in your mind it gets harder - and here's an example from my marriage - so my ex says to me way back in the early days that I am not to look to him to make me happy.  nowadays I would answer who else should I look to?  but back then, though I had a subconscious grasp of the realities of life along with the normal expectation that some time in bed with him would make me happy, I agreed with him because who else should I look to for my happiness and fulfilment than God, anything else was a bonus.

so yes, it was a matter of moments watching him reminisce about the men n his life what can I say, it's visceral isn't it, once I saw that girly pink emotion there was nothing theoretical about it any more.  And it would have been like that at any time in our lives - if he showed me who he was I would not be in love with him any more and that's as dire a choice as it is to live in the closet - to quash your loving feelings because if you show them your wife will know you're gay.  

At any time he could have showed me and I wouldn't want to be married to him but I find that I am very comfortable with gay friends showing their feelings, it's lovely, much more fun and good company.

 

February 25, 2021 5:48 am  #1668


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for posting Lily. In reply: 

1. Yes, that is a good point, Sean - no forums for a 'I'm caring about my wife and family more than myself' bisexual husband though there are plenty where he can hook up with other bisexual husbands.  And so then they can share that pink emotion, maybe fall in love.  Or they can continue to sacrifice their pink emotions to keeping their closet intact, and just hook up for the sensation of sex without allowing their heart to be involved.

Good points. If I look back at my own troubled gay/straight relationship, whether I admitted it or not, my goal was to find acceptance and intimacy as a gay man. And the only way this could be possible was via separation/divorce. I reckon my former wife's goal was always to save the marriage, whereas once I'd come out, I just wanted it to end. 

2. For the heart to let go you need to fall out of love.  You need to let the rose coloured glasses fall, and that happens when it does.  I think religious beliefs play a huge role in keeping a straight stuck in a miserable marriage.  It is hard to believe the person you feel of all people you can trust to have your back is betraying you with every breath he takes at the best of times. but when your religious beliefs are uppermost in your mind it gets harder - and here's an example from my marriage - so my ex says to me way back in the early days that I am not to look to him to make me happy.  nowadays I would answer who else should I look to?  but back then, though I had a subconscious grasp of the realities of life along with the normal expectation that some time in bed with him would make me happy, I agreed with him because who else should I look to for my happiness and fulfilment than God, anything else was a bonus.

Agreed. Learning from past mistakes, I'm not going to talk about religion to keep this thread as secular as possible. 

3. So yes, it was a matter of moments watching him reminisce about the men n his life what can I say, it's visceral isn't it, once I saw that girly pink emotion there was nothing theoretical about it any more.  And it would have been like that at any time in our lives - if he showed me who he was I would not be in love with him any more and that's as dire a choice as it is to live in the closet - to quash your loving feelings because if you show them your wife will know you're gay.  

Would it be fair to say that some straight wives are hoping for miracles? Rather than see their husbands as gay men who pretended to be straight, they think of them as straight men who are temporarily showing gay tendencies (because of gay porn, alleged child abuse, etc.). I reckon this is why so many gay/straight couples desperately cling to the bisexual argument because it allows them both to believe he'll somehow swing back to being a straight husband, crazy in love with his wife. Sadly, that rarely happens. Most of the straight wives posting here go through a "mixed orientation" or "MOM" stage. I've also referred to this as the "bargaining" stage of a gay/straight relationship. It largely consists of the gay husband doing nothing but acting like some petulant teen, whilst his saintly wife furiously posts here, reads up on bisexuality, continues raising the kids, and desperately books marriage counselling appointments. He often unenthusiastically goes through the motions for a month or two and then, shockingly, gets pissed at his wife because she says "no" to threesomes and allowing him to have sex outside the marriage.  

4. At any time he could have showed me and I wouldn't want to be married to him but I find that I am very comfortable with gay friends showing their feelings, it's lovely, much more fun and good company.

Thanks for sharing Lily. If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please post here. 

 

February 27, 2021 7:04 pm  #1669


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean wrote:

Would it be fair to say that some straight wives are hoping for miracles? Rather than see their husbands as gay men who pretended to be straight, they think of them as straight men who are temporarily showing gay tendencies.. 

well I guess we all tend to look for miracles when we get really bad news - it's not just the women, the men can be just as unrealistic.

When you take the marriage off the table then what is uncovered? - grok he was gay and instantaneously I was catapulted back into the dating pool.  At my age I was on the front foot but in your 40s? no we tend more to be on the back foot at that age.  and what we face is daunting the fears we had as well as the new ones.   the hopes we had, now cruelly dashed and yet still in need of resurrecting.

maybe some of the reluctance to get to that point is self-protective.

 

 

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