Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

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February 9, 2021 7:11 pm  #11


Re: Feels like a dream

I agree with BB: start over, that's for sure....at some stage... We will all get there... I have to believe that. I think I'm still too kind... I fully understand what he has gone through, we have had many conversations about him but what about me? I find that gay people can be quite selfish... and feel that they are the victims here.


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

February 10, 2021 1:01 pm  #12


Re: Feels like a dream

Beijoux wrote:

I agree with BB: start over, that's for sure....at some stage... We will all get there... I have to believe that. I think I'm still too kind... I fully understand what he has gone through, we have had many conversations about him but what about me? I find that gay people can be quite selfish... and feel that they are the victims here.

You are processing this correctly.  The gay-in-denial folks who marry straight spouses are about as selfish as it gets.  The only way that I got out of this was to advocate heavily for myself for a change, rather than to keep giving all of myself to someone who utterly didn't deserve me.

And yes, they often paint themselves as victims even though they are the villains.  It's a narcissistic thang.
 

 

February 10, 2021 1:14 pm  #13


Re: Feels like a dream

It took about a year for me to get through the nightmare stage. Processing your past, present, and the imagined future takes time, but it will eventually arrive. Soon this will become just another part of your story.

There are things you can do to help this along. Therapy. Journaling. Talking with family or friends. Working out. Visiting groups (such as SSN or CODA). Cultivating joy by treating yourself kindly. Allowing yourself forgiveness. All help a bit in moving this needle forward.

Blue Bear wrote:

What you are going through is normal.  Your life doesn't feel real because your wife isn't who you thought she was, and your marriage wasn't what you thought, either.  These were among the most important things in your life, and you've discover they are fake.

My life started to feel real again when I started to rebuild it.  I have my own house and my own things.  The assets and time with the children were negotiated and divided.  And I've been dating a beautiful straight woman for 1.5 years.  The things in my life are real, and it feels great!

The only way to start over is to start over.  There's no secret formula.  You just have to do it.  The hard work is painful and time-consuming, but it's worth it.  For starters, consult with an attorney.  Good luck.
 

This is gold.

@Beijoux, I feel you. I'm at my third time downloading a dating app. Not because I want to date, but because I'm trying to wrap my head around dating for the first time in my life in my 40's. But I'm trying to flip the viewpoint from victim to opportunity. I never wanted to be with anyone but my wife, but now that I'm here I will try and enjoy this life to the best of my ability. Easier said than done though!
 

 

February 10, 2021 2:27 pm  #14


Re: Feels like a dream

Beijoux wrote:

I found this very good article:
https://www.verywellmind.com/if-your-spouse-is-gay-2300962

So much to think about, to do, and not to do...but worth reading...

There’s some good stuff in that article, but there’s a statement I strongly disagree with toward the end:  “ Although this experience can be overwhelming, it is important to realize that the situation you find yourself in is nobody's fault.”

No. My ex-wife knew she was same-sex attracted before we even met, yet she failed to mention this to me. That’s called deception, and that is indeed her fault. I think most LGBT exes deliberately concealed their true identities, too.

 

February 13, 2021 6:39 am  #15


Re: Feels like a dream

Must say, I agree with you BB, - when people make themselves available to enter a marriage, knowing they are who they are, of course they are to blame!! Yes, I agree...just spoke to my husband about that...even though he told me before we got married, he put himself out there, and I fell in love with him, thinking we can do this, love will overcome....but then backfired...! I am so greatful for this website, being able to talk to others, and not being judged for decisions I have made... we were so uneducated 30 years ago...well I was uneducated...growing up in a very conservative home... and as someone else had said, start over, just start over...and that is what I intend to do... 53 or not! so glad you have met someone...this is inspiring...and gives the rest of us hope!


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

February 15, 2021 1:22 am  #16


Re: Feels like a dream

Here is another link of a video I found... would love to watch this tonight...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ678hnVNDw&ab_channel=Dr.DonnicaMooreThe Straight Spouse by Vivian Fransen."The Straight Spouse: A Memoir is a love story about a woman who is married to a man who turns out to be gay—and how she deals with it in unexpected ways. This story takes place in the early 1990s, and she believes she is the only woman in the world to face this unthinkable threat to her marriage. Her journey—sometimes disturbing, sometimes uplifting—is about the importance of letting go and finding one’s own way through hard times." Retrieved from  https://www.opendoorpublications.com/2017/07/25/straight-spouse-vivian-fransen/

 


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

February 22, 2021 5:28 pm  #17


Re: Feels like a dream

Jason,

My wife of just about 10 years came out as gay about 6 months ago. I went through all the phases of grief (denial/anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance) multiple times going back and forth between them. 

We decided to separate as she has made it clear she is not willing to compromise and wants to pursue new relationships / future. This means I only see my kids on weekends  

I now have my own place and just it has helped to get to grips with the 'new normal' but some days I wonder if I should TRY and make things work and live without intimacy as I miss her as a friend and as someone I shared SO much of my life with. 

Intimacy was always an issue for us and I recall how much it hurt me being rejected over and over again but I still have mostly good memories. 

Anyway I am rambling and probably not helping you much BUT wanted you to know you are not alone. Have patience with yourself be GOOD to YOU. I am not far enough along the path to say it will all be fine because it just isn't yet but it is getting better and I am able to look at it all more objectively.

Let me know if you need to talk and shout / cry with someone in a similar position.

Cheers!

 

 

February 23, 2021 8:27 am  #18


Re: Feels like a dream

I found out in June and had trouble sleeping the first three months or so. I would wake up about four and could not go back to sleep. I have acute anxiety from things that happened to me in my childhood. It still hurts but I am feeling better. Sometimes I just want to get even but I am not that manipulitive . I hope to see some bad karma-he derserves it.

 

February 24, 2021 2:14 am  #19


Re: Feels like a dream

I so agree with this... I started therapy. I also do journaling... I have now talked to at least 3 very close friends and it really helps... Will get to the 'working out' part! LOL! But that is essential as this will help to cope with stress... my neck had a red itchy rash for two days after we have decided to sell the house...

Also, I am back on the dating website, need to see how this goes!! LOL! Our divorce will be through in a month's time... and then I want to just go and live on my own... I think like Dad1st said, this will help to come to terms with a new normal life... I can't make things work, we have tried last year for 3 months, and we are just back to square 1. He has moved on... so what's in it for me?? Nothing... just hurt.
 


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

February 25, 2021 5:57 pm  #20


Re: Feels like a dream

Thank you again everyone for your support and sharing. I feel so overwhelmed at how fast things have been progressing. I know that she really wants to move on and me having zero answers. I’ve been a stay at home with my three kids for the past 8 years. I feel panicked that I have to make a quick choice to find a new place to live and a job. I wasn't at all prepared for this.

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