OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



February 15, 2021 3:52 pm  #21


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

VioletSea wrote:

I'm just clinging onto the hope that it's going to be such a revelation when I have a partner who is affectionate!

Oh for sure, he already told me it would be hard to see me with someone else, as he still loves me as a person, not his wife though...he even follows me on instagram. I asked him why does he bother now, and he said, "I need to see who the new man in your life is going to be!" Funny hey??


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

February 15, 2021 4:45 pm  #22


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

I have always had a feeling that if I found someone else he would want to be their friend and sort of crowd his way in. We have been divorced for several years but I still keep my private life private. I have not let my children know about my male friend so that doesn't get back to him. It is none of his business

My ex has no boundaries and the comment your partner made creeps me out. Were they ever to meet my friend certainly would not be friendly to him. 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 16, 2021 3:01 pm  #23


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

The first several years there was lots of affection-very little kissing but lots of hugging and holding. The last maybe three years there is very little.

 

February 16, 2021 5:10 pm  #24


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

I think that is why I have decided living together won't work for me. I will have no privacy. He will be jealous in a way, he will want to know, who where and when, and lik you say, Abby, it's none of his business. He moved on, I am not prying into his life, I have no desire. I know he doesn't want me to get hurt, (his words) I just wonder what he knows about getting hurt....! I am not looking forward to the 'messy time' when this house gets sold, and we both go our ways...but it has to be done, rather sooner than later. We have just extended this process by another 8 months or so, and we got right back to where we were. No point in thinking it will be ok, or the hurt will go away, I have to do what I have to do. MOVING ON. 


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

June 29, 2021 5:37 pm  #25


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Scrupulous wrote:

I noticed my X use that term 'babe' several times to other men. And heard it from a select few other guys that I questioned were GID. To me when another man calls another man 'babe' or 'hon' or 'baby', my automatic assumption is that they swing the gay way. Or is this a normal thing?
Men? Your thoughts please?

Not acceptable for use on fellow heterosexual male.

Could only possibly be used by a heterosexual man toward a woman, a gay male friend or a small pig.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

June 29, 2021 10:50 pm  #26


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Ordinary guy wrote:

...or a small pig.

That'll do.
 

 

July 2, 2021 10:25 am  #27


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Lynne wrote:

Ordinary guy wrote:

...or a small pig.

That'll do.
 

…. As in the film, Lynne.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

July 2, 2021 10:41 am  #28


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

I think that in any relationship the sudden felt lack of genuine affection and intimacy is a major red flag. Even if the partner isn’t struggling with TGT at all. We still had a sex life of sorts, it just never had the emotional reward from my point of view. I did point out at one point that I was finding it difficult to get into the swing of things when I constantly felt like my partner was thumbing through an instruction manual behind me, while issuing instructions and telling me to hurry things up!
 I think that after reading through nearly all of the threads on this site, the lack of intimacy is the most damaging thing. I feel like I have given everything I have and received nothing in return except abuse. I have a therapy session today, and I will voice my concerns about TGT with my therapist to work out how best to approach the subject. If I am dealing with a deeply troubled partner in denial, then I think my final act as a truly loving person (let alone husband) should be to help them on a path of self actualisation. This will destroy me, I know that. But, as my Father always said:

”Son, sometimes the most important fight to take on in your life is the one you know you cannot win”

4875 days….


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

July 2, 2021 3:23 pm  #29


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

I could not agree more when you say the worst part is the lack of emotional intimacy.  Except it gets worse again another decade or so down the line, because the resentment in them builds up like a corrosive acid.

it is abuse.  this is hell to get over.  we have been groomed not to tell by our partners without even realising it has happened.  just telling your story to the therapist will help a lot.

Last edited by lily (July 2, 2021 3:26 pm)

 

July 3, 2021 10:33 pm  #30


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

lily wrote:

yeah of course we have.  Doing without affection and intimacy in the short term well of course we will but as the decades roll by and it never comes we end up starved of it .... and thinking it's our fault!!  god it's unbelievable to look back and see just how bad it was.

the difference for the closet case is that they are giving themselves affection.  while we are blaming ourselves for the lack of it.  Just changing that - not blaming yourself and giving yourself a hug is huge.

 
This should be in neon lights with big red arrows pointing at it. I hope I'm not embarrassing you, Lily. This is exactly it for us who discover our partner is a closet case.

Last edited by MJM017 (July 3, 2021 10:34 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum