Welcome to our Forum Hawk  
I read your Our Story post and I reckon you're doing a large percentage of all the bits and pieces you'll need for your survival. 

As for confronting him....if you have to ask us, and yourself, if you should confront him....then in my opinion you're not ready. You'll know when it's time...your partner may actually present you with an opening to the conversation you'll have, or you might. 

It took me 3 years to come to the decision that I no longer wanted a physical r'ship with my partner, that moment seems to just present itself within a conversation about sex ( I can't even remember it or what preceded it ). It's now a year from that point so you can probably tell I'm not making any hard and fast decisions

Elle

Thumbs up, GreenMountains!  The upside to exiting a marriage at 60+ is that when you meet someone no one questions why you don't have a partner. It's done because so many are recent widows but the lack of intrusive questions is welcomed anyway.

When there is not Covid, there are lots of group activities you can do solo. Whether through divorce or widowhood women are trying new things, exploring new areas and rediscovering themselves.

To everyone here who is dealing with a partner or spouse who is emerging as someone you no longer recognize, please take care of yourselves, body and soul. You do not need to be the tin can tied to the dog's tail, bouncing along behind with no control over where you end up. Detach yourself at least mentally and figure out where you want to go and how you are going to get there.

Hawklover wrote:

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I agree that I can't tip my hand to the ability to monitor his activity and I am working on ways to increase my access. This is taking up a lot of my time and it is exhausting. I can only put in so many hours and Im just sick of living in it and I have to put it away but when I do I worry that I might be missing something.  Boy, do I ever remember being where you are. It is exhausting and takes so much time. I also was afraid I was missing something, especially when he would go out during the day to do his jobs *that’s when he would go meet the men*. I followed him on ‘find my iPhone’ almost all day, every day for awhile. He was always in the right place.......BUT, turns out since he knew I was following him, he started meeting the men in his work van!,,ugh..he got sneaky. So, I only look from time-to-time now and am weaning myself off of it.....there’s more to life. I sometimes fantasize about telling him I know and the different ways I might do that.  There is one piece of it that I may ask him about that won't require him knowing that I have so much access. I may do that soon but I need to sit with it for a while. good luck!

I admire you all for having the courage to keep going and the compassion to reach out to others who are behind you on this path. I know if is not one any of us would have chosen.

It’s one day at a time, one step at a time.....Sometimes one breath at a time will do. No, we didn’t choose this path (as in NO WAY!), but decided how to ‘walk’ it, and just hope it works out. If not, we go another direction, again, one step at a time. 
Bottom line is: You’ll be fine no matter the outcome. 

((((HUGS))))
 

Well to update:
I did a mini confrontation. Things built up for me and I didn't intend for some of this to come out but it did. I told him I knew he lied when he told me none of his affair partners were in town and that he had cut off all contact with all of them. He basically gaslighted me, saying he didn't know where all this was coming from etc. When I told him I had seen the email account he uses to keep in touch with this one woman he visibly flinched but admitted he had remained friends with her but that he hadn't checked the account in a long time. I knew this was true but I told him it looked to me like an emotional affair and wasn't fair to me or her for this to be a loose end and he needed to tell her that he was moving on and could no longer communicate in secret.  I am still able to see that email account. I see that he has written a draft email to her but has not sent it.  
I asked about the different versions of his story about the end of his marriage and the nature of his infidelities. He told me the truth as I know it from having access to his past communications with regards to his love affairs.
I also told him I had seen a search for trans/gay porn in his history.  He said  that he had had a porn addiction while married and ended up down this rabbit hole and thought it had something to do with his being molested by a man as a teen. He admitted to masturbating to it but specifically said he was not even bisexual and was not attracted to the male body, was just fascinated by gay and trans porn. He did not admit his sexual contact with male partners. The next day his internet history was gone which makes me think he believes there could be more there. I think he must watch frequently but forgot to use a private browser that one time.  I have tried to check his browsing history from his tablet as I have been able to do before and though I know he has been on chrome, the history is not appearing on the tablet as it used to. Not sure how he has changed the settings.

Kind of wishing I hadn't done this because now I wonder if he is just going to be more careful about hiding and I did not get much resolution from it. We did have a good discussion though. He says he Doesn't know why he lied. I told him he needs to figure that out. He said he was afraid his past would destroy this relationship and he didn't want to lose me. I told him it wasn't his past, but the lying and compartmentalization that would destroy it. I told him that just like with my kids, I was there and that no matter what issues come up, i need to hear the truth, I can deal with very hard truth but not lies. I told him that this was a safe space and he didn't need to lie or hide things here. I said those are behaviors from his past and he can choose to bring them in or not. I told him I would love him unconditionally, but that did not mean that I would stay in the relationship unconditionally and it is lying that would kill it for me. So I will let him sit with it and see what happens. I have to find a way back to full access.

Is there a post where people talk about methods for digital discovery?