Hi I'm in a MOM.. Husband told me in 2012. Life carried on as we were both working and bringing up 3 children. Fast forward to 2018 and things came to a head. He had some sort of mental breakdown  which led me to have a terrible physical and emotional breakdown. Things are better now . Still have things to work on but things are calmer

What if we don't know where we stand? My husband admits to being attracted to men and wanting to explore that part of his sexuality, but he is unable (or unwilling?) to label himself as bisexual or gay.  He processes things alone, and I am tired of being shut out.  I am feeling myself edging closer to the door.  Every time he feels me take one step away, he opens up again, but how do I know if he's being honest with me and/or with himself?  He disclosed in March 2020 and almost a year later everything is still about as clear as mud.  I am tired of going through the motions with no real clarity.  The practical part of me has already started planning an exit strategy. Like Virion, I believe we could stay together on a practical level - we get along well enough, and we could be monogamous.  But is that enough?  Will anything ever be enough again?  

My D day was early March of 2020 and it’s been a roller coaster ever since. My husband wants to stay married and sometimes that shows, many times it doesn’t. I have noticed that I am more relaxed now, less anger... I can even say that our friendship is improving. We have started work with a counselor, the first meeting was just me, second was just him and our first joint session is this week. I have so much work to do to be able to trust him again and get my confidence back. My biggest concern is that I allowed my own sexuality to just disappear over the years while he was discovering his. When he stopped showing sexual interest in me, I believed it and stopped asking. Now that I know why it went away/wasn’t there, I am very much not willing to have a non sexual relationship.

I appreciate all the support from these boards. There are good days, bad days, very good days and very bad days... I just hope that pursuing a MOM is right for me.

Dutchman wrote:

Reading the reactions I was wondering whether some of these not-straight spouses have an "internal picture" what a real love relation in marriage is actually like. Maybe they don't know how it feels, what the depth of connectedness could be, the security and trust that should exist and more aspects like this are missing or limited in their understanding.  
Could this be the reason they suppose it's alright, enough and "doable" because it's simply unknown, and they can't imagine what more there should be. (Or it's only understood in a abstract rational way, not an inner felt experience).
Just a thought.

For my wife it was a long way to overcome these hurdles. But she did, it centered around learning what love really is. In heart and mind.
I think it's precisely this aspect that runs like a thread through her story.

I think you have a point. While  we were working on healing from my husband’s cheating, one of the things he did was write a ‘letter’ about why he wanted to restore our relationship and marriage. The first thing he put was that he “didn’t know much (if anything) about love when we first got together...” And, I can tell you that it’s a true statement. As hard as he’s been trying to repair the damage he’s done, the major hurdle has him not being able to truly show love and affection. This has been the common thread throughout our reconciliation when we discuss how things are going. I constantly point it out.....yup, I know that he’s heard it enough by now, and if he hasn’t shown it yet, he probably can’t and won’t.....That’s one of the things that’s stopping us from moving forward. 
When I say my morning prayers, I’ve always said “thank you for always giving me Unconditional Love *here on Earth* my entire life”....and, I had. First, my parents & family; then, my first husband; and, along came my current husband......and, after all this happened, I had to change my prayer for the first time since I was an adult..... It’s sad. 
He says he loves me (even though since disclosure, he’s admitted he never wanted to get married....I know why now), and I tell him actions.......actions...... 
When I tell him that I don’t feel loved, or that he doesn’t show love,...he doesn’t understand.... He just plain doesn’t ‘get it’. I’ve got to decide if I can live that way. 
I’m not sure if his parents were loving. His father passed away when my husband was 17, so I never knew him. And, what I knew of his mother...well, she frequently said “I love you” to her sons and me, she wasn’t what I would call “loving”...... I came from a family that talked/ hugged a lot!!!!, did things together, etc.... it seems like a dream family. 

Good observation!