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December 18, 2020 12:26 pm  #1


Coming to terms with new info. What can I live with?

Warning***Candid sex descriptions***
I have been married for 23 years. We are 48 and 47 and two teenage children. My husband and I have a close relationship.  We have been very open and honest with each other all of these years. He has been very open with me about his current feelings. I have tried to no be shaming, accepting, loving, and honest with him.

He has been turned on by the idea of cuckold type sex for years. We have fantasized, watch porn, etc. He has increasingly fantasized about him being more involved by sucking the other man.  He had a gay experience at 15 where he was not able to please the other boy and make him cum. Initially this seemed to be somewhat related to him feeling like he was inadequate at that time and working it out in fantasy.  I am fairly open and non judgmental typically. I myself have found female strippers attractive. However, stronger urges and information has come to light. 

Recently, he had a revelation that he really wants to suck a man and that he is turned on by bottoming. He tried shrooms for the first time and had these revelations during that trip. It also helped him be less judgmental of himself. He also has told me that he realizes he likes the idea of being submissive in the bed room (and me being dominant).   We have done some anal play with him for the first time and he is enjoying it. I've gotten some toys to help him satisfy somewhat his desire to suck a penis. I got a large dildo and had him suck it. I have used a very small vibrator on him. I have done a few dom/sub things with him. He has embraced the idea that he is bisexual. But he has only had one gay sex experience. He doesn't find men in every day life attractive. He does find women attractive. We have openly discussed whether this is a social conditioning or reality. We have discussed a "Bi-cycle" where bisexual people cycle in their hetero and home attractions. 

When he first had this revelation, I told him that maybe he should go out and try a physical encounter to see what he really likes.  This of course was hard for me to suggest but I figured better to know sooner than letter.  He looked on some regular hookup apps and did not find the men attractive. Apparently watching porn has definitely made him atttracted to bigger penises and more attractive men. Then I found and showed him the website rent.men.  They are much more attractive and it would be a much more transactional encounter.  He has looked at some and chatted with a couple of them. He enjoyed telling them he wanted to suck their dicks. But he has not acted due to Covid and because we think he should give it some time. He has started seeing a therapist. Now I am not sure I could handle this. My most recent thinking is I could handle him having an experience say in Nevada a couple of times with me present so he has atleast fulfilled that desire. I just don't think I could handle him hooking up regularly and still wanting a physical relationship with me. He isn't saying he wants that, but then he doesn't know does he?

It has been an emotional roller coaster for us both. He says he loves me, loves our family, I am his best friend and he does not want to lose this. He does enjoy the sex play we have been doing. We do love each other. I ask myself though, how will I feel about this long term?  We discussed right now that it is like enjoying chocolate and vanilla ice cream. Both are good. Just right now he is in the mood for chocolate and I am vanilla. He still enjoys it. He would not want to jeopardize losing me to have chocolate. But he also has these urges. I personally don't feel as desired and like I am second best. I have had a few moments of crying and breaking down at just coming to terms with not being his first choice, his first desire.  We also have a good marriage outside of this. But this is still a big deal. Can I live with not feeling as desired?  Would I rather be alone or be in a good marriage with a mediocre sexual desire from my spouse? Is my playing along with the fantasies helpful for hurtful? I like seeing him enjoying some of it. It can be fun. I just sometimes start to feel self conscious and not good enough when I think about what it is that I don't have that he desires.   

Does anyone have any insight or experience to share that we help me with where I am currently at in handling this new information?  

 

December 18, 2020 2:48 pm  #2


Re: Coming to terms with new info. What can I live with?

Welcome to our Forum Untethered My comments are in red 

untethered wrote:

Warning***Candid sex descriptions***
I have been married for 23 years. We are 48 and 47 and two teenage children. My husband and I have a close relationship.  We have been very open and honest with each other all of these years. He has been very open with me about his current feelings. I have tried to no be shaming, accepting, loving, and honest with him.
My partner and I have been together 36 years and were always open, honest, and had a great sex life until I pushed back on some of the stuff he wanted for himself
He has been turned on by the idea of cuckold type sex for years. We have fantasized, watch porn, etc. He has increasingly fantasized about him being more involved by sucking the other man.  He had a gay experience at 15 where he was not able to please the other boy and make him cum. Initially this seemed to be somewhat related to him feeling like he was inadequate at that time and working it out in fantasy.  I am fairly open and non judgmental typically. I myself have found female strippers attractive. However, stronger urges and information has come to light. 
My partner was the one who suggested sex with others. I agreed because I loved him, and didn't wish to upset the great life we (I thought) had
Recently, he had a revelation that he really wants to suck a man and that he is turned on by bottoming. He tried shrooms for the first time and had these revelations during that trip. It also helped him be less judgmental of himself. He also has told me that he realizes he likes the idea of being submissive in the bed room (and me being dominant).   We have done some anal play with him for the first time and he is enjoying it. I've gotten some toys to help him satisfy somewhat his desire to suck a penis. I got a large dildo and had him suck it. I have used a very small vibrator on him. I have done a few dom/sub things with him. He has embraced the idea that he is bisexual. But he has only had one gay sex experience. He doesn't find men in every day life attractive. He does find women attractive. We have openly discussed whether this is a social conditioning or reality. We have discussed a "Bi-cycle" where bisexual people cycle in their hetero and home attractions. 
Have you noticed that while you mention yourself you are more often than not talking about your husband and his wants and fantasies? 
What do you want Untethered? What does your future look like when you think about what he wants?


When he first had this revelation, I told him that maybe he should go out and try a physical encounter to see what he really likes.  This of course was hard for me to suggest but I figured better to know sooner than letter.  He looked on some regular hookup apps and did not find the men attractive. Apparently watching porn has definitely made him atttracted to bigger penises and more attractive men. Then I found and showed him the website rent.men.  They are much more attractive and it would be a much more transactional encounter.  He has looked at some and chatted with a couple of them. He enjoyed telling them he wanted to suck their dicks. But he has not acted due to Covid and because we think he should give it some time. He has started seeing a therapist. Now I am not sure I could handle this. My most recent thinking is I could handle him having an experience say in Nevada a couple of times with me present so he has atleast fulfilled that desire. I just don't think I could handle him hooking up regularly and still wanting a physical relationship with me. He isn't saying he wants that, but then he doesn't know does he?
Actually Untethered the more you do for and accept about the way your man wants to live his life...the more you'll give him the acquiescence to do as he wishes 
It has been an emotional roller coaster for us both. He says he loves me, loves our family, I am his best friend and he does not want to lose this. He does enjoy the sex play we have been doing. We do love each other. I ask myself though, how will I feel about this long term?  We discussed right now that it is like enjoying chocolate and vanilla ice cream. Both are good. Just right now he is in the mood for chocolate and I am vanilla. He still enjoys it. He would not want to jeopardize losing me to have chocolate. But he also has these urges. I personally don't feel as desired and like I am second best. I have had a few moments of crying and breaking down at just coming to terms with not being his first choice, his first desire.  We also have a good marriage outside of this. But this is still a big deal. Can I live with not feeling as desired?  Would I rather be alone or be in a good marriage with a mediocre sexual desire from my spouse? Is my playing along with the fantasies helpful for hurtful? I like seeing him enjoying some of it. It can be fun. I just sometimes start to feel self conscious and not good enough when I think about what it is that I don't have that he desires.   
Do you feel "self-concious and not good enough" because you're competing with ( I think ) something you can never fully understand because you want him to be happy so don't delve too deep about it to not make him angry?

Does anyone have any insight or experience to share that we help me with where I am currently at in handling this new information?  

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 15, 2021 10:18 am  #3


Re: Coming to terms with new info. What can I live with?

You are a good person and a compassionate wife who wants her husband's happiness. Trying to allow him this fantasy may work for you both, allowing him to enjoy his desires safely. In an ideal world, this would work for everyone.

But it sounds like both of you know that you're playing with fire. You can't know what his reaction will be, and you can't know how you'll feel about this. Only jumping over the edge will tell.

I'd caution you to go slowly and be sure to check that this is okay with you deep down. While fostering his sexuality is kind, it really isn't your job to "just deal with it". It is perfectly valid to say that you are uncomfortable with him doing this and explore a different path.

Wishing you both happiness ahead.

 

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