Thanks for responding Simpatica. In reply: 

1. He was identifying as a sex addict but now he backtracks and says he has full control. No, he doesn't. Even after getting fined in the gay hookup park he continued to go there. But he keeps telling me that the problem in our marriage was my pride. Just recently he told me that he purposely 'punished' me by withholding sex when he didn't think I was acting lovable.

Please consult with a qualified therapist because this sounds a lot like narcissist/sociopath territory (read: dangerous). 

2. Isn't it the absolute perfect excuse? I asked him why didn't he work on the relationship? Accept my invitation to counselling to work on our marriage? The fact is he prefers men in parking lots, sex shops, steam rooms, nude beaches, anything to get himself off. 

Bullsh*t. I know this is confusing, however, it does follow a common "drip drip" pattern among gay-in-denial men, namely: 

- No I'm not on gay porn. 
- Ok I watched gay porn once. 
- Ok I watch gay porn 24/7 but it's your fault because you (gained weight, blinked, looked at me....etc). 
- TRUTH: Men who watch gay porn are gay. 
- No I'm not cheating. 
- Ok I cheated once. 
- Ok I've been cheating for years but it's: just blowjobs; meaningless; I don't want a gay relationship. 
- TRUTH: Men who have sex with men are gay. 

3. He vehemently claims that he is only on the receiving end, that is he only gets blow jobs and has never had sex. I found a douche but he says that he used it for his prostrate.

Well he certainly gets points for creativity! For any new members, a douche is like a larger turkey baster used for rinsing out the anal cavity with water in preparation for anal sex. Your husband is clearly a bottom, or on the receiving end of anal sex at the beach, park, and sex shop.   

4. His Google photos are full of men, all voyeuristic and creepy. I am tired of the gaslighting, lies, manipulation (yes, he says he was abused as a young teen but never provides any details), name calling etc. I have contacted my lawyer and we will definitely go over the details of his behavior and use it to my advantage.

Good for you. As for the abuse claims, (sigh) here we go again. Please see my previous posts about closeted husbands claiming "abuse made me gay!" Like a (gay) Judge Judy, I tend to think that when a closeted man's mouth is moving, HE'S LYING. So if your husband has a history of lies, manipulations, and cheating, I'd approach vague claims of abuse with a healthy dose of skepticism. 

5. I could accept him coming out but the fact that he has blamed me for being a terrible wife and lied continuously in our marriage is so horrendous.

Agreed! 

6. He always worked as a professional but last summer he was laid off because of COVID. So he worked at a hot dog cart and just loved it, couldn't get enough of serving hot dogs to people at Home Depot, men mostly. He said that he wanted to get his own hot dog cart (it was his dream) and put it down in the gay hookup parking lot! This was so creepy to me. It's like he is a predator, is that possible??

This sounds a lot like gay adolescence. There is a very obvious joke to be made about hot dogs but I won't go there. 

7. He has started working now in a homeless shelter/mission in the inner city and I really wonder if he is safe with these vulnerable people. What do you think of that? It's just so creepy, it feels like he lures his partners. That's just my instinct, it feels like he is a predator and that he loves giving people a false sense of security. He's a big macho guy with a lot of confidence. The facade that he is in control, protective and operating under false pretenses...What are your thoughts on that?

He sounds mentally unstable and potentially dangerous so you should stay as far away from him as possible. I'd also recommend cutting off all contact. 

8. When he was interviewed for the position the HR Manager actually said, 'you're too good to be true, are you a serial killer?' He said, 'no, I actually brought my police report with me in case you need it.' Wow, I believe he did that to intentionally deceive her into thinking he was a great guy. He was terrified that they would find his charge/fine on the police report so he offered it to them. Red flag if you are a smart HR person, don't you think?

Clearly he didn't have the police report with his "lewd conduct" arrest! 

9. Anyways, I have been separated for almost a year from him and it's sooooo peaceful living away from him.

You make a very good point here. I often urge straight spouses to get off their husband's "crazy-go-rounds" and that means detaching with love, separation, then divorce. But even after physical separation, it can still take months or even years to unpack and understand what happened. In my experience, my former wife and I only started to heal once we cut off contact. 

10. Normally I'm ok but the RAGE boils over and you're right, anger is a good energy! I get triggered sometimes so forgive me for my rant. Now at 51 years old I need to rewrite my whole future. Very traumatizing to go through this but I plan on living an even more fabulous life without him.

Good for you. Be well and please don't hesitate to post again. 

Last edited by Séan (December 2, 2020 4:03 am)

Hey Sean!
I sent you a DM. Just wanted you to know.
-Karis

Sure!  If you don’t mind. Please leave out any city names. And if you don’t mind just commenting on the journal entry. Thank you so much!

Sean,
Thank you so much for this analysis. He is of the religion that does not support a homosexual lifestyle. Im not sure if they specifically believe in conversion therapy but I don't think they would be opposed to it.

I found it shocking when I read the part that said "I don't understand why our sexuality has to be so tied up into our lives." How could it not be tied up in our lives if we are a married couple? Is that part of what differentiates us from just being friends?

Yes, he did question my sexuality in this entry which is completely laughable, and I agree it is blame-shifting. It seems like if someone questions your sexuality, and if they are wrong in questioning it, that you would just be like, no that's not true or accurate, but to react in anger seems so telling.

Yes, I have been going through this for a while. Thank you for what you said. It sounds like to me that he is almost admitting that I am "on to something" because he said that I wouldn't have thought this 7 years ago because I couldn't think clearly....not because we were so in love or because the relationship was going well. 

Yes, he was referring to masturbation when he talks about "whacking off". He has admitted to me that he watches porn but I have been unable to find evidence of any gay porn. He says that it is hetero porn.

I think you are spot on to call him guarded. This has been my entire life with him. Thank you again for your help and insight! SO greatly appreciated!

Hi Sean!  I am new to this site, and I just want to tell you...THANK YOU!  What a wonderful service you are doing (especially?) to those of us whose spouse (in my case, my ex-husband) will never come out. For me, this has been a journey of irony. I have SOOO many gay guy friends!  My work "Gubby's"...our daughter has "Guncles."  But - an openly gay man is very different from what my ex was (& is).  Looking back - he always had the tendencies (but I didn't know because I was pure as a snowflake)!  It has been shocking to me as I continue to educate myself how "straight spouses" all go down a very similar path.  My ex is 58.  We were together for 23 years (married 18 years). I read somewhere in your thread (either you or someone else) wrote how being gay from that generation is extremely uncomfortable because of the social norms during their life.  Also - my ex is in an industry where it is not OK to be gay (an unspoken rule). I, on the other hand, work in an industry in which, "if you are a straight guy, you'll have to duck when you talk to other guys in the office, or you will certainly get hit by a purse when they open their mouth." ;) I wish I could take credit for that line, but again, I work in a business that is full of openly gay men, and they are hilarious and very comfortable with who they are.  

I'm going to list some things that I noticed | happened to me (and you can respond | comment if you have time).  

1) He was the most CHARMING | AMAZING man I had ever met.  Creative | Funny | Everyone Loved Him
2) I am 11 years younger. NIEVE. INNOCENT. He was worldly.  Traveled a lot...(Internationally)! Lived in NY for 5 years. Ate Sushi.  This guy was thebomb.com
3) I have found out recently he never really had girlfriends in High School nor College, nor in between (we met when he was 33 (I was 23).  I thought that was odd (he was so good looking), and remember thinking at first...is he gay?  But then I thought...quit being such a small town girl...this guy is WORLDY.
4) He has an openly gay younger brother (whom he loathes).
5). He always ran around with the testerone | popular guys that were VERY HETEROSEXUAL.  The guys always "getting laid" in H.S. | College.  Yet (I have found this out recently) - my ex never had a g.f. and | or one night stands himself.  He was the guy his friends wanted to be around because...he was HILARIOUS.  He is an EXCELLENT POSITIONER.
6. He DID love me as much as he could love a woman.  We did LOVE each other.  I know in my heart today that this tortured soul (we are Catholic...) FINALLY believed he found a woman he loved (as much as he could)!  I find great peace in this. In my heart of hearts, I know that for him, I was a RELIEF (in the beginning).  Recently I have found out that when he started introducing me to his friends and family, they "couldn't believe" I was his girlfriend.  Meanwhile, I was the girl that couldn't believe that HE liked ME.  He was perfect, and I could not be perfect enough for him.
7. Very Soon Things Changed.  The first thing that changed was No More French Kissing.  "His tongue was too short."  That also meant "No Muff Diving" for me (same excuse). I actually don't think he ever did that to me...although I tried to get him to!  Again...Sigh...Nieve...Soft-Hearted.  When someone lives a lie...they are incredibly smooth and calculating.
8. Sex Was Mechanical.
9. He Never Looked Me In The Eyes During Sex.  EVER.  As in 23 years ever. Early in the relationship this bothered me.  I mentioned it to my older cousin, and she said, "Oh men are like that in the beginning."  Well, the beginning never evolved.  But I was GIDDY in love and that just became our normal.
10. He slept...a lot.  Looking back.  He was depressed.
11. He never wanted to marry me.  Nor did he want children. No matter how much more perfect I became (which I thought would change his mind. These qualities were dictated by him, mind you).  Cover Wife Must Have:  Big Career | Looks | Skinny | Fashionalble (yet) June Cleaver Homemaker | Selfless | Expects Occasional Saltine Cracker for Reward. I had to be a certain way.  He blamed not wanting to get married on his parents divorce.  "If I never get never get divorced, I'll never get married."  Meanwhile he had started his own company which was NOT SUCCESSFUL  In fact, now I realize it wasn't a company.  It was an expensive hobby. Again...this was all by design.  He could work from the house...have freedom to do Lord knows what...while I was at my very demanding corporate job. 11 years younger...yet I paid for everything. Including our wedding. Yet, I was seeking his validation.  #facepalm 
12. He had a benign brain tumor removed at 44...and that is when things REALLY changed.  My psychiatrist has told me, "I see this all of the time. It can unlock dormant DNA. Once you cut the brain, it's never the same."  That being said...now that I am out of the marriage...the tendencies were always there. (sidebar....words I NEVER thought I would say NOR type in my life story..."my psychiatrist." Did I mention I had a nervous breakdown due to all of this? If Jerry Springer calls one more time, I am blocking him.)
13. I went through a SEVEN YEAR SPLITTING (so THAT's what it's called...thank you for letting me know).  THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE.  I won't go into detail because (after reading so many personal stories that people have shared...this is an unavoideable domino effect and once the first domino falls...the end result is the same.)
14. Sex was never iniated by him during "The Splitting." EVER. He avoided it at all costs.  Actually enjoyed rejecting me. Really cruel stuff. If we did eventually have sex, I did all of the work for me to feel good.  BJ's were ALWAYS a requirement. EVERY TIME. And, near the end of..."THE SPLITTING", he had to flip me over and have sex from behind... every time (not anal, just from behind).  This evolved (devolved?) to pulling out every time and only c*mming on my back.  I would ask him, "why are you doing that?"  1) "I don't want you to get pregnant." (I would respond that I was on birth control....which he knew...)  Then it became... 2) I like to watch it come out. I am 99.9% sure that by this time he was having gay sex with ***, and didn't want to potentially give me a disease.  I did end up mysteriously getting HPV but other than that...at least he was considerate. Too bad he couldn't tell me he was thinking about my health. To me, it just felt like a horrible rejection. 
15. He became CRUEL, OPENLY NARCESSISTIC, A RAGER & SEXUALLY ABUSIVE. He was MAD & DISGUSTED he had to have heterosexual sex. Clueless, I would get on my knees and beg him, "I just want my husband back."  It's funny what your subconscious knows....  He would rage on me in front of our 4-year-old daughter so frequently I began to lock the bathroom door at bathtime in hopes of avoiding it.  One time she asked me, "Mamma...why did you marry him."  #HEARTCRUSHING
16. He told me when I filed for divorce, "I'm done with women."  I remember thinking, "what a bizarre thing to say."
17. After being seperated for over 2 years, and divorced 1 year, he has YET to go on ONE date with a female.  But he does run around with other men who have not had sex with their wives in 10-15 years.  The wives (my friends) know their husbands are closeted gays, but they "love them."  
18. I'm still GRIEVING!  It's the ultimate betrayal.  If he would have just told me! I would have been so sympathetic!  No one WANTS to be gay.  It's not an easy life.  I NEVER would have betrayed him.  EVER. EVER. EVER.
19. Him not telling me made our divorce incredibly bitter. It didn't have to be that way. It could have been so calm, and we could have avoided so much of the drama that happened and gone through the process as a team.  Instead....it was so INCREDIBLY bitter. When you lie about who you are....you lie about everything.
20. I feel like a need a 20.  Actually I do think I have somewhat of a unique situation in that the brain surgery seemed to have been a turning point.  Does anyone on this forum have an experience where they can pinpoint a TBI | Brain Surgery | etc. and say...this was when things changed?