TangledOil wrote:

Julian, 

I’m curious. Did your husband tell you why he decided to tell you? I’d guess there had to be a reason. 

Tangled 

I struggled with this a lot...because why would he throw a bomb into the marriage unless he wanted me to *do* something with that information? I'm not sure I'll ever really know the answer. As I mentioned earlier, there weren't any typical red flags. I was in complete shock. He was in a pretty depressed state for several weeks before "the big reveal" (on his birthday of all days)...but I thought it was just because of work stress. 

I did not take the news well because I felt deceived...lied to...And, honestly, at the time I thought this marriage is over. I got us into marriage counseling soon after because I wanted to make things as painless as possible for our (at the time) 3-year-old daughter. He is truly a great dad—and our daughter is naturally my #1 priority—so no matter what happened with the marriage, I wanted to make sure we could move on amicably.

He was actually pretty cold during this time: emotionless and seemingly devoid of empathy for what I was feeling. ...In counseling, I felt like I was sitting on the couch with a pod person. It was an incredibly difficult time for me. I don't know how common this is.

Eventually, things just sort of calmed down...I felt like my life was becoming too consumed with his sexuality...and trying to untangle that confusion (on my own)...so I started exercising more, reading more, meditating more... I think this has really helped...and we're in a much better place now.

He did say (sometime early on) that he felt like a weight had lifted off of him...which is great...but, I sometimes feel like I carry that weight now. We don't talk about it anymore...which is probably unhealthy...but, honestly, I don't even know what to say. Once this COVID craziness is over, I'd like him to get into solo counseling if he's willing. If I could go back in time, I think that's what I would have done early on (solo counseling for both of us).
 

Thanks for sharing Julian. Full disclosure: your posts have always thrown me for a loop because I mistakenly believe you're a man because you use the name Julian. I have to remind myself that you're a straight wife. While I'm not going to comment on your husband's claims of being bisexual, I hope you don't mind me commenting on your latest post so here goes. 

1. I struggled with this a lot...because why would he throw a bomb into the marriage unless he wanted me to *do* something with that information? I'm not sure I'll ever really know the answer.

Your husband said "I'm bisexual" because he's going to ask for an open marriage. The most common scenario is a gay-in-denial husband acting so angry, depressed, and unhappy that only gay sex appears to be the solution. That's bullsh*t of course. If your husband follows the path of most husbands here, he'll eventually start testing you to see if you'll give him permission to "date" (read: f*ck) other men. 

2. As I mentioned earlier, there weren't any typical red flags. I was in complete shock. He was in a pretty depressed state for several weeks before "the big reveal" (on his birthday of all days)...but I thought it was just because of work stress.

There are often lots of red flags, other than gay porn and hook ups, such as: 

- He withdraws sexually from the relationship
- Emotional withdrawal 
- Angry, brooding, aggressive behaviour 

3. I did not take the news well because I felt deceived...lied to...And, honestly, at the time I thought this marriage is over. I got us into marriage counseling soon after because I wanted to make things as painless as possible for our (at the time) 3-year-old daughter.

Let me guess: couples counselling turned into him blaming all of his problems on you...and the counsellor mostly siding with your husband. Am I right? All of us have wrongly attempted couples counselling because we believe something is wrong with the relationship. I advocate for individual counselling because the gay-in-denial spouse has to work on him/herself. I'll use my pool metaphor again. If your husband is drowning in the pool, the last thing you want to do is get in the water because he'll just drag you down to the bottom. Throw him a lifering (a therapist) so he can learn to swim on his own. 

4. He is truly a great dad—and our daughter is naturally my #1 priority—so no matter what happened with the marriage, I wanted to make sure we could move on amicably.

Good on you. 

5. He was actually pretty cold during this time: emotionless and seemingly devoid of empathy for what I was feeling. ...In counseling, I felt like I was sitting on the couch with a pod person. It was an incredibly difficult time for me. I don't know how common this is.

I did the same thing. After coming out, I emotionally detached from my wife. I did this for two reasons: first, I needed to emotionally detach so I wouldn't feel guilt/shame when having sex with men; second, I needed to detach emotionally in preparation for separation/divorce. 

6. Eventually, things just sort of calmed down...I felt like my life was becoming too consumed with his sexuality...and trying to untangle that confusion (on my own)...so I started exercising more, reading more, meditating more... I think this has really helped...and we're in a much better place now.

Bravo for focusing on you. 

7. He did say (sometime early on) that he felt like a weight had lifted off of him...which is great...but, I sometimes feel like I carry that weight now.

100% agree. 

8. We don't talk about it anymore...which is probably unhealthy...but, honestly, I don't even know what to say. Once this COVID craziness is over, I'd like him to get into solo counseling if he's willing. If I could go back in time, I think that's what I would have done early on (solo counseling for both of us).

Excellent idea. 

So what are my points? While I am not a mental health professional, I do have some experience with the married husband's coming out journey. Here are my suggestions: 

- Get tested for STIs and only practice safe sex
- Stop couples counselling and instead go to individual counselling
- Continue focusing on yourself (therapy, exercise, reading etc) and your daughter
- Set your boundaries/red line now: "I will NOT accept an open relationship" 
- Consult with an attorney so you know what steps to take now should you eventually separate/divorce

Thanks for sharing Julian and please keep posting. Remember that for every person posting here, there are likely dozens more following your journeys. Be well! 

Thanks for the update JS. I'm glad things are going well. You are very lucky that you have an active sex life with your husband. Most straight wives posting here no longer have sex with their husbands, or they're forced to act like gay men in the bedroom (through pegging for example). I would encourage you to continue the discussion about your husband's sexuality. He brought it up so he should be prepared to discuss it. Please keep sharing my friend. For every straight spouse posting here, I reckon there are dozens more silently following your journeys. Be well!  

Thank you for writing Virion. In response to your post: 

1. Im sorry if this sounds repetitive and stupid but again I ask....

You're not being stupid nor repetitive my friend. You're living through a very confusing period so write all you want. But please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional so I'd recommend consulting with a qualified therapist or psychiatrist. 

2. ...is this "normal " post disclosure behaviour- previously as I wrote he decided he is gay as apposed to bi..

Ok. 

3. ...wanted a MOM [gay/straight "open" marriage], then we had a honeymoon period of several months...

If any new members are reading this, the "honeymoon phase" is often a time post-disclosure when the gay in denial husband (GIDH) fears losing his straight identify and desperately clings to his wife. If often happens after the straight wife confronts the gay husband with proof of gay porn or cheating. 

4. ...then started acting very high, his erectile difficulties miraculously vanished...

Viagra/Cialis most likely. 

5. I found out he had an "emotional" affair with a WOMAN, (I got suspicious but thought it was with a man)  and when outed he turned vicious on me- I snooped, have ruined his life by initially supporting him in his coming out when he now realises he is into women?

Let's focus on the crime here (cheating) rather than the weapon (man or woman). The main point is he cheated again so he's proven once again that he can't be faithful. 

6. He is completely confused...

I'll say. 

7. ...says our marriage is over and is threatening to commit suicide (again). I am blind sided - I think he is mentally unbalanced or is he just BAD!

Again I'm just sharing from my own experience and what I've learned from my exchanges here so please read my comments accordingly. After coming out to my (then) wife, I went through "gay adolescence" during which I reverted back to acting like an emotional 13 or 14-year-old teen. I was boy-crazy, moody, and total self-absorbed. As I've shared many times here in the past, I believe the GIDH is most volatile during the "limbo" stage of his marriage. By "limbo" I mean the "bargaining" stage when he's somewhat out, tensions run high between spouses, and he's terrified of being gay, terrified of being alone, and sick at the prospect of destroying his family. It's the emotional equivalent of drowning so I often recommend straight wives stay out of the pool to keep from getting dragged down to the bottom. With regards to suicide, I reckon saying "stay with me or I'll kill myself" represents his final attempt to shift control back to himself (the closeted husband) as a form of emotional blackmail. (Another such tactic is claiming "I was raped/abused which made me gay.") While you know your husband better than I do, I reckon his talk of suicide may represent an attempt to regain control over you although you might want to discuss this with a qualified therapist. With regards to dating/sleeping with a woman, it's not uncommon for the older closeted male (50+ years old) to immediately pick up with a woman as a kind of "F*ck you! I AM STRAIGHT!!!" farewell message to his wife. While this all may seem disorienting because you're in the thick of it my friend, he is following a common pattern among gay-in-denial husbands:

- Claiming he's bisexual
- Later coming out as gay
- Explosive anger, often directed toward his wife for "outing him" when he truly outed himself through gay porn or affairs with other men
- A honeymoon phase during which he tries to protect his straight identity by pretending to be the model husband
- Sensing the marriage is ending, he very quickly picks up with a new man/woman

I hope that answers your questions my friend. If not, please feel free to write again. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (November 29, 2020 6:46 pm)

Hi Sean,
Thank you for your insight into the Straight Spouse’s situations and your experience on the other side. I have read all 157 pages and found it to be so valuable.
I have a question for you...
I am enraged by the silence that is expected from me. I want to tell my husband’s parents the truth regarding the breakup of our marriage. They have no idea of his random hookups, affair and charge and fine he received in a public park for lewd behaviour. I also want to contact the other man’s wife, that also has no idea what her husband and mine have been up to.
It’s not necessarily revenge I feel, it’s just the unfairness that he is lying and deceiving to everyone around him. I want to be exonerated I guess. To be heard, to be acknowledged that I have been living with a monster for 5 years. A person that posed as a Christian man and an outstanding individual.
I have been in therapy for 11 months but I am a ticking time bomb.
He gets away with a clean reputation while I look like a runaway (this is my second marriage) because I had to flee his abuse. The optics that I don’t value marriage is not a true depiction of my core family values.
I struggle so much with this.
What are your thoughts on telling my side of the story?