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November 30, 2020 2:08 pm  #1


How to get un-stuck

It’s been almost a year since I found my husband logged into a site for men to find other men for sexual encounters. After months of lies, I’d had enough and he rented an apartment in April 2020 just to never move out as the pandemic shutdown the furniture stores, everything was delayed etc. Really we should’ve just pushed through and I think we used it as an excuse- him because he doesn’t want to move out, and me because I don’t want to be with him but I also hate the idea of divorce and our kids having to deal with it all.

For the year, we’ve talked in circles. He won’t admit he’s gay or even bi, he has crazy stories to cover up why he was on the hookup site, why I previously found gay porn on the computer, why he disappeared for hours on many occasions. I think I’ve wanted him to admit the truth so I can move on and feel like a fool for waiting a year with nothing to show for it. I feel unable to make any progress on separating or moving because I’m still attached to the idea that maybe his crazy stories are true and he’s straight and we can fix our marriage. The sensible part of me knows that’s ridiculous but I don’t know how to get un-stuck, to be brave enough to separate and move out. Anyone have tips on how to take that first step?

 

November 30, 2020 5:12 pm  #2


Re: How to get un-stuck

Tiymay,

Welcome.

Stuck is a strong word.   I say you are exactly where you need to be given the circumstances you have.

As a straight guy , if you put a gun to my head, I would not want to look at gay porn.. So I call BS on any words he gives you about that.

As a former but faithfully married man I would have no interest in going on any hookup sites..straight or gay.   So I call BS on any words he gives you about that.

Why do you have to move out?   What you can do is gather strength and build your support system..at some point look at legal separation.   Can all be done discretely while he is in the home. 
While it's not for the faint of heart I remained in my home even  while we were divorcing..  Part if it was financial, part if it was if I left she would never had let me see the kids again..she would have said "you left
.clearly you don't want to be with the kids".


So my advice is build your support system and detach.  No reason to leave your home.

So sorry.   We love our spouses but for some reason they feel its ok to lie and hide things from us. They know its wrong.  They know it hurts us...But they do it anyway.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

November 30, 2020 5:29 pm  #3


Re: How to get un-stuck

Can I second what Rob said - don't see why you should be the one moving - is he still renting that appt?  My suggestion is don't engage with him, just insist you want him to move out.  The hard part of divorce is getting a financial separation agreement.  wishing you all the best. 

 

November 30, 2020 9:31 pm  #4


Re: How to get un-stuck

Hey Tiymay
That apartment he was going to rent sounds like a great option. 

Him living elsewhere doesn't mean your children won't see him does it? Can he go live with family?

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

November 30, 2020 10:23 pm  #5


Re: How to get un-stuck

Getting past the "maybe his crazy stories are true" phase is hard.  I moved out almost three years ago, and the divorce has been final for two, and sometimes I sometimes STILL have moments of "I wonder if he's come to his senses. I wonder if we really did have to divorce."  

I don't know if these ideas will help get you "unstuck," but here are a few: 1) if you're still sleeping in the same room (or having sex), stop.  2) Stop talking about it. You know by now what you are ever going to know, and that is that he is not going to admit the truth, either to you, or to himself, and every time you have another one of these conversations, you open yourself up for his "crazy stories" and denials, which have the effect of undermining your hold on the reality you know to be true.  3) If you haven't seen a lawyer, do so.  If you have, start doing some of what you will need to do--getting your own bank account, for example.  4) Start actively imagining what life will be like on your own. If you're staying in the family home, think about how will you change things in the house; for example, go online and "window shop" for new sheets.  After you divorce, think about what will you do with the time when your children are with their father--what activities or hobbies you will pursue.  This helps gets you to think beyond the situation you're in.  When you project yourself in your imagination to your new situation, it is easier to leave the old one. 

And I would certainly suggest figuring out what you're going to say to your children when you tell them you are separating. 

Edited to Add:
    I woke up thinking about your post, and that "Not being able to get furniture" detail from your post came to mind.  You know that's not a real reason he "can't" move out; it's rationalizing.  Because you don't need a physical store to buy furniture; it can be ordered online--including mattresses.  Friends and family can help.  And I know from experience that you can move out with very little furniture.  I had 1) a bed, 2) a table, 3) a loveseat.  That's it.  The day before I moved I realized I didn't even have a coffeemaker, a cup, or a towel and a bar of soap to take with me!  Your husband is feeding you a line because he doesn't want to move out, and you are accepting it, which undermines your assertion that you want him out.  You laid down a boundary, he provided a reason he couldn't do it, and you accepted it, which told him both that you don't police your boundaries and that there are no consequences for his ignoring them.  People don't change unless you make it uncomfortable or impossible for them to maintain their current stance.  Wrangling about whether his sex with men indicates he's "bi" or "gay" is a way for him to keep a hold on what he has now while gauging your response--and your willingness to keep talking about it allows him to do assess the viability of his own situation.   

  You will eventually reach the point at which you decide that the cost to you and to your children in the future of living his lie is too great.  In the meantime, while you gather strength and courage and knowledge (see the lawyer if you haven't, so you can provide financially for your children; read up on boundaries (Adelyn Birch) and narcissism. (Lundy Bancroft) and abuse (Minwalla), 

  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 1, 2020 5:52 am)

 

December 8, 2020 8:50 am  #6


Re: How to get un-stuck

I told my ex that she was the one who was moving out. This was on her, she needed to move not me. Also I used facebook market place for furniture, and ordered a mattress online.

 

December 28, 2020 7:41 pm  #7


Re: How to get un-stuck

Thank you all for the comments and feedback. The neighborhood where our home is located has rapidly gone down hill (two shootings since the summer, and two homeless camps on surrounding roads causing the road to be littered with used needles and more) so I don’t ultimately want to stay living in this home with the kids. I’d like to sell the home and be done with it (plus he picked the home out and nothing about it was really what I wanted- I don’t want to be stuck in a home he chose to his liking because of him). I’m realizing I’m continuing to allow his behavior and need to just take steps to move forward like talking to an attorney.

     Thread Starter
 

January 11, 2021 8:04 pm  #8


Re: How to get un-stuck

The above post is advertising. I've reported it


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 14, 2021 6:04 pm  #9


Re: How to get un-stuck

Hi Tiymay-

Sorry to hear that you're facing this.

My wife lied to me for the past 15 years about her affairs, including her relationships with women. Just like you, she was found with female porn, talking to female escorts, hiding female "friends" with flirty innuendo chats, and sneaking off to hotels/their homes. She denies she is bi or gay.

I've been "stuck" for about a year and change. I've recently come out of the fog. Here's what helped me:

* No caretaking. You can love them, but their issues aren't yours to solve. They made that decision when they decided to not include you in their sexuality.

* No debating. You are allowed to judge them based on the evidence you have. Your viewpoint can and will shift. But they lost the right to dictate the truth when they lied.

* No fault. You are not to blame for his lies. You are not his decisions. You shouldn't outright believe someone, and taking actions to protect yourself from lies is self-care. You hold no blame for this.

* Plan a future. Start a folder with pictures of your new life. Write in a journal about what you want tomorrow to be. Invest in personal wellness and growth. Get therapy. Take walks. Whatever you can to start to see how life will be okay beyond this. Because it will!

* Gray rock. When you speak to your spouse you are a statue. You need to share no details. Be boring and don't take the bait. Tell them the debate is over, you are over. Time to move. Eventually, they'll get the hint.

* Time. Most of this is just embracing that time will help. Talk to friends. Go to a virtual SSN meeting. Rant to your houseplants. Just get the venom out. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

* Read. I wish I'd read "Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" and "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide" earlier. Both are about why lies hurt and how cheating is much more a mismatch of communication. The cheating doesn't hurt as much as the lies, so that's why it hurts extra hard for straight spouses as these lies are so large.

Wishing you happiness ahead!
 

 

January 18, 2021 6:36 pm  #10


Re: How to get un-stuck

There are virtual SSN meetings??

I mean- I would LOVE to meet someone in person- just to talk to someone who KNOWS. But virtual would be ok! Any details would be helpful!

 

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