Thanks for sharing BlindOne. I'm astounded at how far you've come my friend, even after just a few posts. You're an excellent example of how straight wives/girlfriends can heal following separation. Once a straight spouse gets off her husband's merry-go-round of lies, yes she might spin for a bit, but normally she stops believing/defending his twisted logic which is often along the lines of "yes I've been secretly f*cking guys for years but I'm still not gay." I often refer to this as men who are "emotionally straight yet sexually gay." So I reckon cutting off all contact with this radioactive man will help you heal. With regards to "co-dependency" I'd again like to stress that I'm not a mental health professional, so I think it's an excellent idea to discuss all of this with your therapist. I'd encourage you to post again following your meeting. Be well!   

Sean, just wanted to thank you for your honesty and support here. You’ve done wonders for me, got me out of my denial (thinking he would change) and now I’m free! It was scary I must admit but I’m never looking back :-)

Virion!

Mine says the same. It is my fault we aren't together because my lack of support broke us apart. Quite laughable! :-) This is just a way for them to pass the blame. So much comfort for them knowing they had no hand in the disaster they call a relationship. Mine didn't work for most of our relationship but yet had money to do drugs and frequent escorts but never bought diapers? Funny how that works. Then decides to share many details with me about his experiences, what he likes, doesn't like, what he needs (gag me already!). You are making the best choice for your life by finally choosing you! I wish you and everyone here all of the best. With much love and support, H&C

Thank you for posting everyone. In reply: 

FIGSTRONG:

1. Sean, I am so glad you have been providing valuable information.

That's very kind of you but please keep in mind that I have done many of the terrible things I now so calmly analyse in this thread.  

2. Tonight, my husband finally said he thinks he is gay but does not want a relationship with anyone and that he can’t promise me he won’t cheat.

Right out of the gate this makes ZERO sense. Once again, this seems to fit my "emotionally straight yet sexually gay" theory. So he's working up to asking for your blessing to f*ck men, yet claims it's meaningless because sex doesn't equal intimacy. Madness! 

3. He also said he has no friends, he thinks he has lost his children and that he is not attracted to me.

So he's asking for sympathy ("I have no friends") while also ripping your heart out ("I'm not attracted to you"). What an *sshole.

4. I think he is gay, depressed, narcissistic, obsessed with money and possibly bipolar. With COVID going on, I cannot have him having hookups and possibly getting our children sick as well as me. My children are devastated. He took poppers. I am contacting an attorney as well as a therapist for myself. 

I'm so sorry you and your children have to deal with all of this my friend. In my opinion, poppers are always a red flag because they not only suggest a drug addiction, but also that the gay husband is shockingly familiar with gay sex & hook-up culture.    

5. I don’t have a job and I am immunocompromised. He says we have to stay “married” because I won’t have insurance and we can’t afford college for our kids. He does not want to get an attorney because it costs money.....Thanks for letting me vent.....

So sorry you're suffering. Please keep in mind that I am not a mental heath expert. Your husband sounds like he represents a real danger to you, your kids, and himself. As I've posted before, when someone is drowning, the last thing you want to do is get in the water with him. So this means: work towards separation; go to therapy alone (not couples' therapy); get tested for STIs; stop having sex with your husband; and be prepared for an inevitable "honeymoon" phase if/when he finally realises he's losing you. Good luck my friend and please keep yourself and your children safe. 

HURTANDCONFUSED

6. Sean, just wanted to thank you for your honesty and support here. You’ve done wonders for me, got me out of my denial (thinking he would change) and now I’m free! It was scary I must admit but I’m never looking back​. 

Thank you for your kind note but please don't forget that not too long ago, I was also a nightmarish gay husband. From your post, I assume you've decided to divorce? If yes, perhaps you could share here how you overcame the denial and decided to separate. 

Thanks Sean! I just posted in the support group titled "Get off the carousel and put you first" and that is really what I had done. It is a recent jump but a massive victory for me. I was so lost in the fog of what was happening to me, that I was so paralyzed to even make a change. But then I slowly started to speak to people about it ( I was extremely embarrassed for a long time so i hid the secrets very well) and my shame started to slowly go away. Those around me help me realize that, all of this pain that I was going through was solely due to him. So it started with an phone calls, going out to eat alone, then an hour away from home without him, then a few hours, then a half a day etc. And every time I was alone, I realize that I was perfectly fine! But when i got home, the drama started, the yelling, the nasty comments, the desire to snoop!, my personal need to be "right", the binge grindr searches, the feeling sorry for myself, the wondering "why me" all started to flow as I walked through the door. So i started creating a plan, figuring out a place to go, knowing I wasn't going to renew my lease (one saving grace of not being a homeowner, easier exit)....I even pacified him by preparing him for us living in separate places....i lied and said he should move closer to the business his parents were going to buy for him so he would have a greater chance of success but I really wanted him to want to not live with us for an easier exit......so it was a slow crawl but i kept crawling which is the most important part...the need for a better experience, better relationship, be spoken to without so much animosity, the safety of my children, my own sanity.... it's hard but it does get easier...