Sean, just wanted to thank you for your honesty and support here. You’ve done wonders for me, got me out of my denial (thinking he would change) and now I’m free! It was scary I must admit but I’m never looking back :-)

Virion!

Mine says the same. It is my fault we aren't together because my lack of support broke us apart. Quite laughable! :-) This is just a way for them to pass the blame. So much comfort for them knowing they had no hand in the disaster they call a relationship. Mine didn't work for most of our relationship but yet had money to do drugs and frequent escorts but never bought diapers? Funny how that works. Then decides to share many details with me about his experiences, what he likes, doesn't like, what he needs (gag me already!). You are making the best choice for your life by finally choosing you! I wish you and everyone here all of the best. With much love and support, H&C

Thank you for posting everyone. In reply: 

FIGSTRONG:

1. Sean, I am so glad you have been providing valuable information.

That's very kind of you but please keep in mind that I have done many of the terrible things I now so calmly analyse in this thread.  

2. Tonight, my husband finally said he thinks he is gay but does not want a relationship with anyone and that he can’t promise me he won’t cheat.

Right out of the gate this makes ZERO sense. Once again, this seems to fit my "emotionally straight yet sexually gay" theory. So he's working up to asking for your blessing to f*ck men, yet claims it's meaningless because sex doesn't equal intimacy. Madness! 

3. He also said he has no friends, he thinks he has lost his children and that he is not attracted to me.

So he's asking for sympathy ("I have no friends") while also ripping your heart out ("I'm not attracted to you"). What an *sshole.

4. I think he is gay, depressed, narcissistic, obsessed with money and possibly bipolar. With COVID going on, I cannot have him having hookups and possibly getting our children sick as well as me. My children are devastated. He took poppers. I am contacting an attorney as well as a therapist for myself. 

I'm so sorry you and your children have to deal with all of this my friend. In my opinion, poppers are always a red flag because they not only suggest a drug addiction, but also that the gay husband is shockingly familiar with gay sex & hook-up culture.    

5. I don’t have a job and I am immunocompromised. He says we have to stay “married” because I won’t have insurance and we can’t afford college for our kids. He does not want to get an attorney because it costs money.....Thanks for letting me vent.....

So sorry you're suffering. Please keep in mind that I am not a mental heath expert. Your husband sounds like he represents a real danger to you, your kids, and himself. As I've posted before, when someone is drowning, the last thing you want to do is get in the water with him. So this means: work towards separation; go to therapy alone (not couples' therapy); get tested for STIs; stop having sex with your husband; and be prepared for an inevitable "honeymoon" phase if/when he finally realises he's losing you. Good luck my friend and please keep yourself and your children safe. 

HURTANDCONFUSED

6. Sean, just wanted to thank you for your honesty and support here. You’ve done wonders for me, got me out of my denial (thinking he would change) and now I’m free! It was scary I must admit but I’m never looking back​. 

Thank you for your kind note but please don't forget that not too long ago, I was also a nightmarish gay husband. From your post, I assume you've decided to divorce? If yes, perhaps you could share here how you overcame the denial and decided to separate. 

Thanks Sean! I just posted in the support group titled "Get off the carousel and put you first" and that is really what I had done. It is a recent jump but a massive victory for me. I was so lost in the fog of what was happening to me, that I was so paralyzed to even make a change. But then I slowly started to speak to people about it ( I was extremely embarrassed for a long time so i hid the secrets very well) and my shame started to slowly go away. Those around me help me realize that, all of this pain that I was going through was solely due to him. So it started with an phone calls, going out to eat alone, then an hour away from home without him, then a few hours, then a half a day etc. And every time I was alone, I realize that I was perfectly fine! But when i got home, the drama started, the yelling, the nasty comments, the desire to snoop!, my personal need to be "right", the binge grindr searches, the feeling sorry for myself, the wondering "why me" all started to flow as I walked through the door. So i started creating a plan, figuring out a place to go, knowing I wasn't going to renew my lease (one saving grace of not being a homeowner, easier exit)....I even pacified him by preparing him for us living in separate places....i lied and said he should move closer to the business his parents were going to buy for him so he would have a greater chance of success but I really wanted him to want to not live with us for an easier exit......so it was a slow crawl but i kept crawling which is the most important part...the need for a better experience, better relationship, be spoken to without so much animosity, the safety of my children, my own sanity.... it's hard but it does get easier...

Sorry Virion, I didn't see your last post. Below are my comments: 

1. I would also like to thank Sean for his help on this site. I am 8 months in post D Day and as time goes on am constantly shocked, devastated and horrified by the actions of the man I THOUGHT I knew...

I appreciate the shout out my friend but please keep in mind that I'm no saint. Regardless, I am so very sorry you and your family are going through these tough times.

2. Sean warned of the post disclosure honeymoon period, then the "gay adolescent bad behaviour " phase and suggested he may be narcissistic- I thought hell NO , but I have done my research and he ticks 70% of the boxes. He too (Figstrong) says he doesnt want a relationship with a man, has destroyed his life and family (or rather i have by not "supporting" him  by calling out his bad behaviour and not embracing his homosexuality, he  claims to be in a bad place mentally because of me and of course we also  have to stay married due to finances and children etc.

I reckon most gay-in-denial husbands are often so disconnected from reality that they still need to shift blame, often in the face of overwhelming proof they are gay. It's like he's falling down a tree and yet clinging to every lying branch on his way to the group. Here are just a few examples: 

- No I don't watch gay porn: LIE
- Ok I watched gay porn once: MINIMIZATION
- THE TRUTH: He's been fapping to gay porn for years. 
- No I never had sex with that guy who texted me: LIE 
- Ok he and I met ONCE but nothing happened: MINIMIZATION
- THE TRUTH: He's on Grindr, Scruff, and Hornet 24/7 looking for sex and has been cheating on you for years. 
- Ok I've had sex with men for years, but only because of trauma from being attacked by a gay guy in college: LIE
- THE TRUTH: Claims of sexual abuse are often just more lies and/or he's perhaps seeing these sexual explorations through the smeared lens of his "I can't be gay" denial. So he has to portray himself as the victim, rather than a willing participant. Here is a common example: back in college, your 'gay or bi-curious' closeted husband went to an adult book store, gay sauna, or gay cruising park looking for gay sex. After it happened, he was so ashamed that he remembers it as sexual assault, conveniently forgetting that he was a willing participant. 
- [In couples therapy] I'm not interested in (sex with women) because my wife is too [aggressive, passive, loud, quiet, up, down blah blah blah bullsh*t]: LIE 
- THE TRUTH: From the beginning, he's never been interested in sex with women and, once he started having sex with men, he could no longer perform.  

Virion, I want to you keep repeating to yourself that none of this is YOUR fault. He's the problem, his lying is the problem, his cheating is the problem, and his lifelong inability to accept his true sexuality is the problem. 

3. He is emotionally and verbally abusive  to me  and now wants the whole "gay thing" forgotten , after telling everyone at his insistance!

Just another example of the twisted logic of a man too scared to come out, accept he is/was always the problem, and deal with reality. 

4. I do think a lot of GID people on this forum have shown similar traits ..maybe the strain of hiding who they are has damaged them mentally and emotionally. Also not one ounce of empathy or remorse from him. Astounding and traumatising. Stay strong all. 

You nailed it my friend. If I remember correctly, I was probably the most damaged and toxic in the final year before "disclosure/discovery" - when my wife knew I was closeted and confronted me about it - and then for about 18 painful months of our fake gay/straight marriage. 

So what should straight spouses do? I have been separated for six years and divorced for five so it's easy for me to provide others with a battle plan now that my own war is over....but here goes: 

1. Straight wives have to accept that a gay man can never satisfy, nor be a good husband to a straight woman.
2. No amount of spousal love, prayer, and therapy can change a man's sexuality.
3. Gay-in-denial husbands marry straight women to hide their homosexuality, not for love. 
4. Some couples may attempt Mixed orientation marriages (MOMs) "for the kids" or for other reasons such as finances. Statistically most MOMs eventually end in divorce. (Disclaimer: I am clearly biased because my own MOM lasted 18 painful months and then mercifully ended.) Moreoever, we cannot ignore that most of these marriages were highly dysfunctional even BEFORE the spouses acknowledged "the gay thing" (or "TGT"). While I invite anyone to post about their own successful MOMs, I don't believe anyone's marriage actually improves because a gay husband stopped lying about his sexuality and can now have sex with men while still married. Let's also not discount how damaging dysfunctional gay/straight marriages can be on the mental health of both spouses and, most importantly, on their children. 
5. I recommend: detaching with love (emotional separation); then physical/financial separation; and finally divorce.

So what's my point. I reckon most gay-in-denial husbands aren't necessarily bad people. I think we just get twisted by shame, fear, and the crushing burden of lying about our sexuality starting around age five or six. My own mental health failed when I could no longer juggle the lying, cheating, and shame, while also dealing with the failure of my marriage.

Here is an example I recently read in an excellent book that may explain what happens when a GID husband's denial starts to fall apart. Imagine your husband is afraid of flying. In fact, he is deathly afraid of airplane travel. He is so afraid of flying that he hasn't been on a plane for over 30 years. Over the years, he starts to act like he really isn't afraid of flying. He eventually claims, "I'm not really afraid of flying." So he plans a trip overseas. His wife starts to drive him to the airport and, not surprisingly, everything changes. All of the excuses, qualifications, and (later) outright lies fall apart. Her husband is now in a cold sweat as they approach the airport. Once in the airport, he experiences a complete mental breakdown. And why? Because he's still deathly afraid of flying. Not surprisingly, he vomits, panics, and finally faints just before boarding the plane. This is an example of truth/reality  piercing through all of his denials, evasions, and outright lies.

The same could be said of gay-in-denial (GID) husbands. Divorce is like the final boarding call to end a lifetime of lies and shame. It's not so much that he fears losing her. What he truly fears is losing his straight identity and his compliant wife is the lynchpin to that fake identify. I reckon this is why GID husbands become mentally unhinged during the dying days of their gay/straight marriages. When a straight spouse threatens divorce, the closeted husband is often so desperate that, for a short time, he even fakes a sexual interest in her to win her back. This after years or even decades of no conjugal intimacy whatsoever. And when she manifests even the slightest bit of resistance, he might use physical or emotional abuse to bully her into remaining in the marriage. So what's my point? Once a straight spouse fully accepts her husband is gay, she should move quickly and decisively to protect herself and her children because there is no bargaining, and no going back.

For those who choose to stay in a MOM with your gay husband, buckle up my friends. Once he is out of the closet and you have chosen to remain in the marriage, he's then going to manipulate you into letting him f*ck men. As he comes to terms with his homosexuality and receives support from friends and family, he'll then be emotionally ready for a gay relationship. So inevitably, one of these men will become more than just a "hook up." Sadly, after decades of the straight spouse going without sex, living through horrible abuse, and later (reluctantly) agreeing to let him "have his needs met", the minute he meets a potential boyfriend or husband, he'll ask for a divorce. Remember that 80% of MOMs end in divorce so before you agree to stay in a gay/straight marriage, keep in mind that the odds are stacked against you. 

So what should you do? In my opinion, try detaching with love, physical separation, then divorce. A straight spouse should also accept that following disclosure/discovery (that her husband is gay) and for some time afterwards, her husband is likely going to be emotionally radioactive. There may come a time, perhaps a few years (and often a few failed gay relationships) later, that he no longer represents a danger to himself, his ex-wife and his kids. But if my experience is any indicator, this takes time and can only happen if the couple splits so they can heal separately.

End of rant! Be well everyone.  

Last edited by Séan (November 7, 2020 10:44 am)