HurtandConfused,
Congratulations! You sound so relieved & happy. You really put up with a lot before you got out, too. I’m glad you’re safe & on your own now. If my situation was at that level, I would hope i would have the courage to do the same. There are times when I wonder, but my husband isn’t as bad off as some. He quit cheating over a year ago & has been honest & trying really hard to make things right. His main problem is his attitude, which causes a lot of dumb arguments over stupid things. He gets defensive (not over cheating or anything like that, just piddly things) & it’s usually when I try to say something he’s doing that isn’t helping things.....ie: anything negative against him. Even when it isn’t, he sometimes thinks it is. So, those problems aren’t anywhere near as bad as things could be. We’re working it out in counseling & books on communication and one called “No More Fighting”, which I’m hoping will help. Main thing is that he is trying. His actions are showing that. Just have to get the attitude to stay in check to go along with it.

Anyway, sorry to get off subject.......take good care of yourself & enjoy your new life! All the best to you & your children.

(((((HUGS))))

longwayhome wrote:

HurtandConfused, thank you. I've shared very few details with very few people at this point. It's a difficult story to share, and I'm pretty sure, that much of it will remain untold. It would hurt my family/son too much to learn what has truly been going on in my life. I do journal, that helps. I share a couple of things that go on with some select friends and I appreciate them for being there, but I'm not ready to share with family, not till I'm actually out of the marriage. I do all I can to keep myself grounded in the reality of my situation. I'm 59, I've been with my husband for 44 years (35 married). The pandemic isn't helping!!  It's a hard enough experience to live through, living through this during a pandemic makes you feel that much more isolated. Thank you for your insightful guidance, much appreciated.

Dear longwayhome,
I’m happy to hear you have a partner that is actively trying to make your relationship better. Just something I noticed you said....it would hurt your family too much to know what was going on with you but I think it would hurt those dear to you that you are hurting, maybe suffering, with no one to turn to? This is what I discovered when I told my parents. Yes, it did cause them pain to know what happened but they helped me get to a place where it could no longer happen. Talking to your son is a different story, my children are too young to understand so I don’t know how to go about this just yet. I certainly know how difficult this can be especially during this pandemic which is why I encourage you to find at least one person to tell YOUR story to. Your experiences, feelings about everything, I promise you after the uncomfortable initial few minutes, you will feel better. :-)

“Hi Susanne!

Thank you for your kind words. I really am relieved and “lighter” since detaching. What do you think makes him so angry? I know during my relationship he would get very angry and nasty over the silliest things but that was because he resented me for keeping him from his true desires. (I am not saying that is what is happening to you) I also realized that I was the only thing he could actually control in his life so he would excercise that every time he was feeling inadequate or depressed. He controlled my actions, thoughts, finances, and anything else you could think of. Susanne, you deserve a loving, supportive, non-compromising relationship and I hope you get just that. You WILL get that. Especially if its what you feel you deserve. therapy was extremely helpful for me and I recommend individual sessions as well as couples. This will help you get to a peaceful place with your own thoughts. It was easier to really talk about everything alone without worrying about offending or upsetting my partner at the time because he also did not like to be told Anything other than his own opinion. Best wishes to you!”

I sometimes wonder if he’s so angry because he can’t ‘act out’ and have sex with men. We even mentioned it & he also mentioned it to his therapist, who said it could be a possibility. (His therapist agrees, but never offers help on how to work things out.....ughh..2nd counselor. I don’t think he’ll try a 3rd. It’ll have to be marriage counseling.)

But, he doesn’t control me. I was married for 32 years before we got together (my husband passed away. It was expected- his heart. We ‘grew up’ together...and, he loved me & never cheated!)..anyway, I was pretty self sufficient when we got together as well as independent. So, I ‘bark’ back with the best of them. 

If things don’t get better with the attitude, we’ll do something about it. I won’t just sit & take his bad moods. I’m not like that.

Again, best of everything to you & I’ll keep posting, good or not. Hopefully, good. I’m an optimistic person, even though this has knocked a lot of that out of me. We’ll get there !

Rob Anger does give them something to hide from.  As each day passes, I am realizing little things I actually did not like about my relationship with my husband that I put up with for so long because I love him.  None of us deserve the abusive anger they give us.......