I have been in a MOM for over 28 years. I’ve known on some level that his sexuality wasn’t typically straight for nearly our entire relationship. I questioned his interests, that he didn’t try to hide, probably nearly annually for our entire relationship. Initially I thought his interests were purely academic, like mine. I’m open minded and have a masters degree in marriage and family therapy. He came out to me as bisexual in January of this year. The first six months were terribly rough. We talked about divorce in February and talked about an open marriage shortly thereafter. He said he wouldn’t do anything without my knowledge and permission. I believed him and I still believe him. He was sexually abused by a male twice his age when he was in 2nd grade. This continued for some time because the abuser was a neighbor and had easy access. I think this really confused my husband and we believe this contributed to his interest in gay encounters. He has not had any sexual contact whatsoever with men in over 31 years. We are planning to stay together and we have a wonderful relationship 99.9% of the time. He told me many details. Details I sometimes wish I hadn’t heard and that occasionally cause me anxiety, but it’s decreasing significantly over time. Maybe it’s easier because my husband isn’t gay... we’ve always had a great sex life and connection. I don’t often post here in SSN because I find the negativity overwhelming. It may work for some, but it isn’t good for me. We are continuing in our monogamous marriage. 

Last edited by TangledOil (September 29, 2020 11:12 am)

Personally I'd appreciate not being preached at regarding the glories of being in a MOM or told how to post, thanks. I reserve the right to respectfully disagree and don't care for tone policing. You can post where you like but you can expect pushback if some of us disagree with you.

I'd agree MJ. I think the other issue is that for the most part, those of us who have had abusive experiences with this 'are' staying off the MOM board but that the MOM board bleeds over with its perspective of 'it can work' and it's like rubbing salt in the wound for the people where it didn't. Or in the worst case where there was abuse involved. Our perspectives are in opposition. I don't think it's surprising that there is friction and sometimes anger involved. People who stay feel judged, and people who don't do too. I don't think it's fair to those who stay out of the MOM section, though, to be expected to stifle our viewpoint in the general section too.

MJM wrote:

These issues come up from time-to-time. It feels like a tug of war.

My confusion lies with the Discussion & Support boards. I thought these were for straight people struggling
with a non-straight partner they had or have in their lives AND are not in a committed, mutually agreed upon MOM. 

I generaly agree with the way you describe it, but it's sometimes not that clear. Especially when someone just found out to be in a MOM and comes looking for advice. If you are confused already, how much more the new visitor could be. Changes are they don't even know what the acronym "MOM" stands for. Are they committed to a MOM that's mutually agreed on? Well... that may just be the question they want to find the answer to.

The "camp A or camp B" line of thinking is not helpfull to guide people to the best possible option for them. Considering the opinion of some that "the only good MOM is a dead MOM", makes it problematic to create an objective alternative. And although I certainly do understand that there is much hurt and trauma experienced by many here, it's not helpful to load that weight on everyone coming to the support section looking for guidance.

In my opinion it would be in the best interest of a new person seeking advice, that others exercise some restraint before assuming it matches their own experience. These personal experiences are often very intense and can have a lot of impact. When it's justified then it's useful to be that clear and intense, but it should not used be like a shotgun on anything that moves.
 
Equally so, the MOM section is not intended to just have people trying and clinging to a relation, just for the sake of keeping a marriage going. 
That should never be a reason for a MOM. Even staying in a MOM for financial reasons or some other practical reasons, although being one's choice, makes the "successful MOM" section not really the place to be. The general support section is most likely better suited for those cases.
Also if the straight spouse is (or threatens to become) a victim, or is seemingly being abused by the non-straight, he or she should be pointed out that a MOM is not the way to go. 
That's what I would say, but I'm quite sure that everyone in, or striving for, successful MOM knows very well it has to come from both sides.

Hi Dutchman,

This whole site belongs to the Admins; it neither belongs to me nor you.   To repeat, I wanted them to clarify what belongs in the General Discussion board and the Support Board. Thanks!

To all:

This is a hot-button issue. I kindly ask that people refrain from posting on this thread until we hear from the Admins. We all need support for our difficult journeys. 

Arguing this or that hurts feelings. It’s not supportive. It doesn’t appear to be kind. Rules for proper Netiquette used to be posted years ago in online forums as many remember.  Here’s a refresher. Please read it when you get a chance.

http://blogs.onlineeducation.touro.edu/15-rules-netiquette-online-discussion-boards/


1) Before posting your question to a discussion board, check if anyone has asked it already and received a reply. Just as you wouldn’t repeat a topic of discussion right after it happened in real life, don’t do that in discussion boards either.

2)Stay on topic – Don’t post irrelevant links, comments, thoughts, or pictures.

3) Don’t type in ALL CAPS! If you do, it will look like you’re screaming.

4)Don’t write anything that sounds angry or sarcastic, even as a joke, because without hearing your tone of voice, your peers might not realize you’re joking.

5) Always remember to say “Please” and “Thank you” when soliciting help.
.
6) Respect the opinions of others. If you feel the need to disagree, do so respectfully and acknowledge the valid points in the argument. Acknowledge that others are entitled to have their own perspective on the issue.

7) If you reply to a question, make sure your answer is accurate! If you’re not 100% sure,  don’t guess! Otherwise, you could really mess things up for others and they will not appreciate it.

8)If you ask a question and many people respond, summarize all answers and post that summary to benefit everyone.

9) Be brief. If you write a long dissertation in response to a simple question, it’s unlikely that anyone will spend the time to read through it all.

10) Don’t badmouth others or question their intelligence. You may disagree with their ideas, but don’t mock the person.

11) If you refer to something said earlier in the discussion, quote just a few key lines from their post so that others wont have to go back and figure out which post you’re referring to.

12) Before asking a question, check the FAQs or search the internet to see if the answer is obvious or easy to find.

13) Check the most recent comments before you reply to an older comment, since the issue might have already been resolved or opinions may have changed.

14) Be forgiving. If someone makes a mistake, don’t badger him or her for it. Just let it go – it happens to the best of us.

15) Run a spelling and grammar check before posting anything to the discussion board. It only takes a minute, and can make the difference between sounding foolish and sounding knowledgeable.

RULE OF THUMB: If you wouldn’t do or say something in real life, don’t do it online either. 

Thanks reading &  for getting this far!