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September 10, 2020 4:10 am  #21

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

Thank you, Whirligig.  I'm pretty broken down from dealing with the performative, controlling lesbian in denial wife that I thought was my partner.  I have given everything I could, and as Popeye might say "I can't stands no more!"

The straight spouse should only have the role of healing the straight spouse from the years of control games, gaslighting, and narcissistic emotional abuse that was their marriage.


September 10, 2020 5:08 am  #22

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

Amen, Whirligig.


September 10, 2020 8:10 am  #23

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

Whirling wrote:

I had to address this because I think it's such a toxic idea. Straight people are not support humans for the LGBTQ community. We are not crutches. We are not human sacrifices. And we are under no obligation to be such for people who enter into relationships with us under false pretenses. There should be no expectation that we assume that 'role' or that we 'try' to be someone's rock in turmoil of their creation. They can work that out with a therapist or their clergy if they are so inclined. Straight people have no duty to stay with someone who has lied to or abused them.

Frankly, I think this is poor advice regardless of sexuality. Telling someone it's their responsibility to try and make it work is a guilt trip. It keeps all sorts of people in bad situations way too long. If it's not healthy, if it's abusive, if someone is lying to you or treating you in an unacceptable way, you have every right to leave. Period.

You just affirm the point I was making, by again ignoring the fact the situation I write about is very different then what you are suggesting.

Please note:
- When my wife and I married 35 years ago, she didn't know she was lesbian. So there were NO false pretenses.
- Problems in our sexual relation grew over the years, but we both couldn't explain what the precise reason for it was. 
- When my wife did find out she was lesbian, 20 years into marriage, she told me after being sure about herself. That is NOT lying, on the contrary, that's honesty.
- It's a difficult truth to process, but honest.

Lily wrote: "It's all about feelings". Indeed, a lot of people are hurt by their personal experiences and the negative emotions are strong. That makes it hard to objectively and rationally read/interpret other stories, that don't match their owns. The personal experience is profound, so it maybe hard to look beyond it.

Because of the corresponding aspects with the story of the topic starter, I was sharing our experience in our setting. Especially about the tumultuous phase we suddenly found ourselves in when we discovered to be a MOM.
It's NOT the same situation as for instance a relation with some abusive narcissist in denial who is gaslighting, lying and deceiving from day one.
There are many different stories with important differences in motivations, situations and personalities involved. So it's not useful to assume all 'marriages with gay spouses' fit one general template.

When I stated it's important the straight spouse has an important role to strive for stability in the turmoil at hand, it should be understood within the context I described.
If you don't understand this context, because maybe it's unknown to you, feel free to ask questions about it.
But lifting a single sentence out of context, dropping it in a totally different setting, and then calling it "a toxic idea", is quite reprehensible. You shouldn't do that.

For I stated the demarcation repeatedly

Dutchman wrote:

There are important differences between someone suddenly discovering one's sexual orientation, and spouses who were aware all along
It's not useful when important differences are ignored and every situation is considered and handled like a one-size-fits-all case.
It's not about denial nor lying and intentionally leading somebody on. It's not like many "standard stories" and certainly not about transgender issues.
Point is: I hope I made clear this is NOT comparable to a lot of other's situations, simply because it's also about a gay person in a straight marriage.

This should be clear enough.


September 10, 2020 8:59 am  #24

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

Here's a trap I think it's easy to fall into when this happens to us: the "marriage" takes precedence over the people in it.  We scramble to "save the marriage," when we straight spouses need to be saving ourselves.  When your spouse comes out to you, the reality of your life has shifted: your past, your present, your future.  Any and all feelings you have are valid, and neurorscience has made clear that there is no such thing as "pure" rationality or objectivity without feelings.  That feeling you have that you are unsafe because you can no longer trust your spouse, that flight or fight or freeze response, it a self protective one.  

I would also like to take issue with the idea that one shouldn't make any changes in one's life because one is "in shock."  Sometimes taking action is exactly the right thing to do.  It can be very helpful to remove oneself from the situation if one can, if only temporarily, in order to process what has just happened without the pressure applied by the mere presence of the gay/lesbian/trans spouse.  I don't know why "stay and suffer while sorting it out" should be the default over "focus on yourself by leaving to sort it out in safety." 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 10, 2020 10:20 am)


September 10, 2020 9:54 am  #25

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

I understand just fine Dutchman, I stand by what I said, I disagree with you, it's not about you, and I'll do and say what I like.


September 10, 2020 10:35 am  #26

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

Whirligig wrote:

I understand just fine Dutchman, I stand by what I said, I disagree with you, it's not about you, and I'll do and say what I like.

You can write whatever you like. But when you quote me and pretend what I wrote is something completely different than the original meaning I gave to it, it's called slander.


September 10, 2020 11:12 am  #27

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

I didn't slander you. I said nothing in detriment of your character. I disagreed with the 'idea' that it's somehow the responsibility of the straight spouse to prop up or support the gay one. That you did so is your choice. I don't think it's a healthy one myself and the original poster is being actively stepped out on so your situations aren't analogous. You seem intent on personal attacks so I won't be engaging with you further.


September 10, 2020 12:28 pm  #28

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

Just my take, but...
I think Dutchman interpreted Guy's story as someone who's trying to salvage his marriage...whereas the rest of us read the story of a man who is actively grieving his marriage with a woman who has already moved on.

I think Daryl, Taken & others gave great advice on speaking to an attorney. Guy needs to protect his own interests, too...and continue to be the grounded, responsible adult for their child. No doubt this is an incredibly difficult situation for everyone involved...and I don't think it's unreasonable to for Guy to ask his wife to hold off on dating until they're in separate quarters. I can't imagine any emotional Internet affair or Tinder date could be worth hurting your long-time partner. She can wait. 


September 10, 2020 12:51 pm  #29

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian

Ellexoh_nz wrote:


He may be a straightspouse but as he's in a obviously-successful MOM there should be no reason for him to post elsewhere. . 

l am now confused. If our MOM lasts long enough to be determined “successful “, can I not post anywhere but in the MOM’s section? Never heard of this before. Also, if that’s the case, when, exactly, can I say that it is successful?

Don’t want to do it wrong. I just don’t want anyone to be more angry than they already are. Too much of that already. We’re all trying to accomplish the same thing: to get our lives to a place where we can be at peace & hopefully happy, whether we stay with our spouses/SO’s or not.



September 10, 2020 1:02 pm  #30

Re: Wife of 20 years is Lesbian


I can relate...my GX was actively cheating on me. Its hard because all we know how to do is support them in the marriage..its like ingrained in us to support our spouse.

While I didn't interpret her cheating as permission for me to go out and have an affair, I certainly interpreted it as disloyalty..i gave myself permission then to think about what I wanted in life, talk to an attorney, visit the bank etc etc.  It felt like sneaking around but my GX had already kept a lot hidden from me...ie I like woman.

What I did do is maintain status quo..ie pay the bills, go to work as usual etc.   This could be interpreted as supporting her but it's purpose was to ground me and give me some routine for calmness..to not change who I was.

Your wife looking on a dating app and you waiting for the shoe to drop ..for her to cheat is anxiety inducing.  I think it gives you permission to think about what you want in life..  perhaps a loyal spouse?,  a safe home for your daughter?  It gives you permission to think about what life may be like without your spouse.

Maintain your routines and status quo for calmness for yourself..not to support her in her quest.   But don't be idle and unprepared waiting for the day when she decides to date and expect support from you. You took the first step by posting here.

Do not mistake your wanting to support your wife with not thinking about what you want for yourself.  This because you may find your wife has no problem hurting you.

Wishes of strength and stoicism.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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