Thank you, Whirligig.  I'm pretty broken down from dealing with the performative, controlling lesbian in denial wife that I thought was my partner.  I have given everything I could, and as Popeye might say "I can't stands no more!"

The straight spouse should only have the role of healing the straight spouse from the years of control games, gaslighting, and narcissistic emotional abuse that was their marriage.
 

Whirling wrote:

I had to address this because I think it's such a toxic idea. Straight people are not support humans for the LGBTQ community. We are not crutches. We are not human sacrifices. And we are under no obligation to be such for people who enter into relationships with us under false pretenses. There should be no expectation that we assume that 'role' or that we 'try' to be someone's rock in turmoil of their creation. They can work that out with a therapist or their clergy if they are so inclined. Straight people have no duty to stay with someone who has lied to or abused them.

Frankly, I think this is poor advice regardless of sexuality. Telling someone it's their responsibility to try and make it work is a guilt trip. It keeps all sorts of people in bad situations way too long. If it's not healthy, if it's abusive, if someone is lying to you or treating you in an unacceptable way, you have every right to leave. Period.

You just affirm the point I was making, by again ignoring the fact the situation I write about is very different then what you are suggesting.

Please note:
- When my wife and I married 35 years ago, she didn't know she was lesbian. So there were NO false pretenses.
- Problems in our sexual relation grew over the years, but we both couldn't explain what the precise reason for it was. 
- When my wife did find out she was lesbian, 20 years into marriage, she told me after being sure about herself. That is NOT lying, on the contrary, that's honesty.
- It's a difficult truth to process, but honest.

Lily wrote: "It's all about feelings". Indeed, a lot of people are hurt by their personal experiences and the negative emotions are strong. That makes it hard to objectively and rationally read/interpret other stories, that don't match their owns. The personal experience is profound, so it maybe hard to look beyond it.

Because of the corresponding aspects with the story of the topic starter, I was sharing our experience in our setting. Especially about the tumultuous phase we suddenly found ourselves in when we discovered to be a MOM.
It's NOT the same situation as for instance a relation with some abusive narcissist in denial who is gaslighting, lying and deceiving from day one.
There are many different stories with important differences in motivations, situations and personalities involved. So it's not useful to assume all 'marriages with gay spouses' fit one general template.

When I stated it's important the straight spouse has an important role to strive for stability in the turmoil at hand, it should be understood within the context I described.
If you don't understand this context, because maybe it's unknown to you, feel free to ask questions about it.
But lifting a single sentence out of context, dropping it in a totally different setting, and then calling it "a toxic idea", is quite reprehensible. You shouldn't do that.


For I stated the demarcation repeatedly

Dutchman wrote:

There are important differences between someone suddenly discovering one's sexual orientation, and spouses who were aware all along
...
It's not useful when important differences are ignored and every situation is considered and handled like a one-size-fits-all case.
...
It's not about denial nor lying and intentionally leading somebody on. It's not like many "standard stories" and certainly not about transgender issues.
...
Point is: I hope I made clear this is NOT comparable to a lot of other's situations, simply because it's also about a gay person in a straight marriage.

This should be clear enough.

I understand just fine Dutchman, I stand by what I said, I disagree with you, it's not about you, and I'll do and say what I like.

I didn't slander you. I said nothing in detriment of your character. I disagreed with the 'idea' that it's somehow the responsibility of the straight spouse to prop up or support the gay one. That you did so is your choice. I don't think it's a healthy one myself and the original poster is being actively stepped out on so your situations aren't analogous. You seem intent on personal attacks so I won't be engaging with you further.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

 

He may be a straightspouse but as he's in a obviously-successful MOM there should be no reason for him to post elsewhere. . 

l am now confused. If our MOM lasts long enough to be determined “successful “, can I not post anywhere but in the MOM’s section? Never heard of this before. Also, if that’s the case, when, exactly, can I say that it is successful?

Don’t want to do it wrong. I just don’t want anyone to be more angry than they already are. Too much of that already. We’re all trying to accomplish the same thing: to get our lives to a place where we can be at peace & hopefully happy, whether we stay with our spouses/SO’s or not.

Thanks.