If you go to the main SSN page it states (emphasis mine)

"The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation or transgender/non-transgender couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. "

The focus is on helping the heterosexual partner and I think this forum should firmly follow that statement. The non-hetero half of our relationships already have support options, if they are even interested in the question. This board doesn't need to cater to their journey.

Re: Sean - I didn't have much reason to interact with him but I understand how his presence might have been a bit upsetting to some. I thought the agreement that he would stay firmly in his one, well labelled thread, was a reasonable compromise. I think I'd agree that it's time for the moderators to lock that thread to further posts.

Re: Samantha - I'd say a similar agreement is a reasonable expectation or request. One thread, well labelled. Since it's already in the section for people actively trying to remain in a MOM, I would expect it to be of interest only to someone who is in that group. It should be brutally honest about what it takes on both sides and not hesitate to point out red flags. It should be in line with the SSN statement I pasted above regarding support to the heterosexual spouse or partner.

New people sometimes come here desperate for answers and desperate for hope. I've always been pleased to see how people here are generally kind and empathetic but not about to sugar-coat their answers and send someone down a false path. I hope that continues.

My 2 cents.

I appreciate this forum in it's many facets, it has a unique and very needed important place to the straight spouses.

The "strategies for MOMs" section has a different quality compared to the other sections. The situations of the people responding there are potentially different than for instance those posting on the support part. I intentionally use the word "potentially" because by no means a wish and/or hope for a successful MOM will turn out to be a reality. And as we all can know, the odds generally are against those pursuing a successful MOM.
However, I think and hope these odds can be improved. But in my opinion that should only be about REAL successful MOM's. In my definition that incorporates the happiness of the straight spouse as well. I'm very sure this is in line with the purpose and intentions of the forum and organization on a whole.
Everyone striving for a successful MOM should acknowledge the importance of commitment from BOTH spouses. I think that should also be the emphasis in the "strategies for MOMs" section always... for that's the baseline! Whatever issues may come next and may be important as well. 

I would like also to make a few observations about some of the reactions in this ongoing topic.
There seems to be a misconception about how my wife relates to the LGBT community. Like "Why does she come here? She surely has her place and support out there", and so on.
Well NO people, it's not like that at all!
A gay spouse really going for and being committed to a MOM, like my wife does, is considered an outcast by some/many in the LGBT community. Maybe a traitor to the cause, accused of not being true to themselves and a lot more accusations. Certainly not the "hailed and celebrated for courage" parade for coming out. In fact it's often just the opposite. 

The only actual support we personally had was by people who directly knew us (like friends and in church). But out in the "general world" we're not wanted, and we're not something they prefer to hear about. A successful MOM isn't acceptable by many and is seen as an unwanted disturbance to their equilibrium. They prefer to dismiss it as "a mistake" (to put it mildly).
So, suggesting she has enough support being 'one of those' lesbians? ...Ha, that's a bitter joke!
But my wife doesn't post here to find support, rather to support others. So my wife would be fine expressing/sharing her experience in a dedicated thread in the MOM section. Her concern is dedicated to the wellbeing of other people in a MOM, and this definitely includes the straight spouses as well. She hasn't any other intention or aspiration than just that!

If you will look, Samantha is posting on ONLY ONE thread. It is meant to HELP OTHERS, and that is the ONLY reason she's doing it. She was invited, most accepted the invitation (that I saw anyway), and she kindly is here to share her inside feelings, etc on how she & Dutchman have made a MOM work happily for 15 years. I think most of us would just LOVE to learn as much positive informataion on that as we can.  Now, if you read, you'll see it took a lot of work, and that's what she's sharing.....both what they did and how she felt. It's been very enlightening to me and I haven't been able to find this information directly from a gay/lesbian who has been through this many years and also who writes so well that  you can really tell what she went through (similar to how Dutchman is good at writing).
IMHO, I hope you all don't run her off. I appreciate learning as much as I can. And, if you don't want to read what she's writing, it is only on ONE thread out of all of them! Just skip that one! I seems pretty simple to me.

Last edited by SusanneH (July 5, 2020 1:39 pm)

In fact, Susanne, in deference to the stated intent of the MOM section, I don't post anything against MOMs on that section of the forum,  but I feel free on this section to say what I think and what has been my experience both in my own marriage and from reading for almost four years on the this forum.  I've seen a lot of straight spouses come here who are in shock and in denial and smoking the hopium and saying things like "I want to make this work; I want to help my spouse come out; now that it's out in the open we're communicating like never before" but who discover that such reactions are part of a common response, and who later come to see that they can't make it work by altering their own behavior in hopes their partner will alter his or her own, or that their partners won't make it work because they're really looking for an out or aren't being honest, etc.  

I do tell people who go there to the MOM looking for a full spectrum of info that they are on the section of the forum where they will hear only information about making it work, and if they want a more full discussion they can come to the support section. 

From my perspective the advice goes both ways: if you don't like hearing the stories of those of us who discovered just how pathologically warping the closet is or how narcissism works or how entitled narcissists can be or how being gaslit into greenlighting "open" relationships or sex on the side for their partners is not something to tolerate, or what passive aggressive behavior patterns look like, then stick to the MOM section.

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 5, 2020 3:54 pm)

You make a lot of assumptions. Just because someone doesn't post in that section doesn't mean they don't read it. I'll repeat. I didn't post in that section because of how it's set up not because I agreed or disagreed. I made it pretty clear why I had reservations. And assuming other people aren't here to get support or healing or are bitter because we aren't in denial about how MOMs rarely work is certainly not fair. Just 'my' opinion.