lily wrote:

I think we must also acknowledge how long that thread is - how many wives sought his advice.

Agreed lily. This is the source of my ambivalence. If he helped others, and many said as much, it was the least he could do but in the process his ex-wife became the sacrifice. It just always bothered me personally that she would bear the weight from him 'again' for others to feel better. Wasn't that the source of so much pain for so many of us? Being used for another's benefit without our permission?

But how difficult is it to say to someone it helped 'that's not okay'? They deserve healing too. She may be perfectly fine with him so my concern could be misplaced but we only had his narrative for that. I engaged with him in only a couple exchanges and I doubt he liked me any better than I liked him but it was brief because I couldn't forget that she couldn't share her own story because he was telling his and I didn't want to be complicit in that and didn't appreciate his perspective anyway. These are my personal feelings and I don't fault anyone for finding him useful but that's the problem for me and hence the ambivalence.

When we look at the straight spouse experience as a whole its not just one sided, yet the forum type dictates the type of conversation and social norms are established. If you ever explore LGBQT forums you will see the same types of discussions that you see here just on the other side of the coin. People uses forums for different reasons, need them for different reasons.

The thread structure and organization of a forum can help mitigate conversations that are triggering for one reason or another. In this case there is potentially opportunity to add a "gay/questioning spouse section" for threads like Seans.  The gay/questioning spouse might find this forum useful, they might find it reassuring, it may help them make a decision to be honest and truthful with their spouse. 

In my journey, my ex was limited on her explanation for why she held on so long, frankly she didn't know. I felt lost and wanted answers. So I found a lesbian thread on a forum and was able to gain perspective on why it was so difficult for my ex to come out and stay in a heterosexual marriage. Was it helpful? to an extent, did it hurt to read it? Yes to some degree and when I got my fill I was done.  

 I believe that though exposure, story, sharing and research we can work toward a world where there aren't as many straight spouse situations. So If I or someone else can read about the other side of the coin and gain some perspective, understanding and perhaps move toward healing then for me there is value in that. Above all, maybe there is some questioning/gay person who doesn't get married because they had access to read our stories, well then am all for that because that means there is one less straight spouse in the world.

All of this said; this is not my forum, not my site and not my decision. I respect the owners decisions and they can do what they want. I am just a participant in the forums.

"Straight people aren't on the planet for them to experiment on until they figure it out! "

Great way to put it!   And we spouses aren't obligated to stick around until they do figure it out, regardless of the pressure exerted on us to do so.

Whirligig wrote:

I don't buy that they don't know. And if they are questioning?........................ .

Mine knew since the 7th grade, she knew for years, she just ignored it and eventually said she didn't really know or understand. I don't know what to think of that now.  You know what though....its a statement that repeats itself over and over....so what does it mean?

Its not fair right....I mean I always knew I was straight and never questioned it.



 

I'm kind of with Elle on this, for the most part, but I'm ok with Sean's participation in a dedicated thread.  I actually didn't have so much of an issue with Sean, probably because by the time I'd joined up, he'd owned up to the pain he'd caused.  He was here to listen or to respond to questions, but not necessarily to evangelize about  how none of this is our spouse's fault.  I'm really not interested in hearing the other side of the story, if it's all about excusing abusive or uncaring behavior.

If I wanted to hear lame rationalizations about why gays deceive straight people into marrying them, I'll talk to my lying sack of shit husband.

That being said, I did think it was helpful to be able to ask Sean to translate some of the phrases I'd found in my husband's text messages.  I think that having a dedicated thread was a good way to strike a balance.