Finding this site has already helped me a little, seeing similar feelings to mine being expressed. So my relationship wasn't as long as most of yours, less than a year, but I've known the man for 13 years and we work together and we were discussing marriage so it was serious. I'm female, late 30s. He's a little older. He asked me out last year and we quickly became inseparable. We have been together constantly for months during this Covid pandemic. I was about to formally move into his house, he asked me to move in with him. We were headed towards marriage; his friend even offered to perform the service as his gift to us, and that friend's wife had offered me her dress. He seemed to enjoy having me around, always calling or texting that he missed me if one of us was at work and the other wasn't. He told me that he wanted to have a child with me. When we first got together we had even discussed sexuality a bit and it all seemed "straight," although a couple times he randomly brought up whether I had been with my lesbian friend (I hadn't, I'm not into women, another coworker started that rumor because she thought it was funny). I was in love with this man and we had a lot of future plans, we were getting in better shape together and were going on a meet-the-rest-of-his-family vacation soon.

I have had a lot of trauma in my life and have PTSD, both from work and from an abusive mother to some bad relationships, one that ended with the police after being stalked and another with violence and him threatening to kill himself, so trusting someone again was VERY difficult for me.

So his birthday was 2 weeks ago. I tried my very best to make it happy, but he said all he wanted for his birthday was me by his side. I still got him a fantastic gift, shopped for the perfect card to express my love, got his favorite cakes and foods, etc. Went well. 2 days later I had returned to my place for the afternoon to try to wrap up some things before finally beginning the moving-in process, although a lot of my things had already been moved to his place. When I returned a couple hours later, he seemed a very tiny bit "off," and I asked him if he was okay. He said he was so I let it go. Fast-forward one week... so 5 days ago. He got up for work, kissed me goodbye like he always did, and went off to work. I went on his computer later that morning (as I have done before, we often looked things up on it together) and... his last website hadn't been closed. It was a gay hookup site and he had messaged a man looking to meet. He sent his photo to the man and everything and said that when the guy sent his photo back, he would give him his phone number so they could talk. That was on that day that he seemed "off" I was horrified. I then looked at his profile and he had been a member of this site for quite a while so it's not like he just decided to be curious as a mid-life crisis, although it looks like this was the first time in a long time that he had messaged someone.

So I panicked and just took all my stuff and left (including a large television and small appliances and everything. I was in full PTSD panic-escape mode). I sent him some texts calling him an a****le and saying that I hated him, I felt lied to and like our whole relationship was a lie. He said not to get vindictive (I wasn't vindictive, just expressing pain) and then just said "The TV is gone." I said that he had cheated and I was hurt and angry; he claimed that he hadn't but I said that purposely messaging a man to try to meet, and sending your photo is cheating whether you actually met or not.

He has never responded since, even though I sent him a couple calmer messages the next day. I am lost, confused, reeling from all of this. I both hate him and still love him, and a tiny bit of me would like to stay with him but the other part knows it's likely over.

Since he didn't respond, not even to just say that he was sorry, I feel used, led on and lied to and like our whole relationship was a lie. Our future dreams and plans are dead and I'm devastated. I feel like he didn't care at all, and now I don't know whether he's bi and he did love me, or whether he was using me as cover. He really seemed to love me at least as much as I loved him. I could deal with a monogamous bi man, but not one that would cheat on me.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. I feel like I wasn't good enough and am questioning my own self-worth. I have no idea how to see or hear him at work and because this feels like a huge emotional trauma I keep randomly crying so I've called in sick the last three days already. An acknowledgement and apology, an explanation, ANYTHING to acknowledge the pain he caused might help. Everyone at work knows that we're in a relationship so that is going to be horrific and embarrassing when I do go back.

Was I just his beard this whole time? He's only ever had relationships with women. The worst thing is that I miss him so much at the same time. I feel both the love that I thought we both shared, and hate for hurting me. I'm questioning everything and it feels like nothing is real.

I feel for you guys who got married or had children before finding this out and I know it wasn't as long as a decades-long marriage but the pain is fresh and real and I'm lost and alone.
 

Last edited by LostAndConfused (June 14, 2020 3:41 pm)