Hi, I have to go out. soon so not long to reply but I just wanted say give your heart a chance to catch up with your head - it does take a little while - and you will be so grateful to yourself for walking straight out of there,  well done for taking the big tv.  He is likely to have been busy at work getting support for himself at your expense.  Maybe you can talk on the phone to a friend at work?

he is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The point of that simile is that we are all taken in by the fleece.   Of course you were deceived.  and yes it hurts a real lot.

one little step at a time.  Be proud of the way you have acted and look after yourself well.  We are all here for you.

wishing you all the best Lily. 

LostAndConfused wrote:

......I could deal with a monogamous bi man, but not one that would cheat on me...... 

 

He has already proved himself duplicitous....so how long would you trust him to be monogamous? 
I applaud you for getting out now

Elle
 

I experienced something similar. I, too, didn't up as invested as most others have on the board. It was still devastating. A couple years out and I feel that I was lucky to have found out when I did. It doesn't make the pain disappear but I'm grateful I was spared years of lies and future years of misery. I think you made a good choice. It doesn't mean it's an easy one.

If you have doubts, just remember that he could have chosen to be honest with you from the start and he didn't. He denied you the ability to consent. If he were an honest bi guy he would have been open about it and respected your right to choose for yourself if that was something acceptable to you or not. He didn't. And he did cheat on you! It's a pathetic excuse for him to say it doesn't count because he tried but you found out before he could follow through. He attempted to blameshift and divert your attention as if it was your reaction that was the problem and not that he was looking for a hookup. Good for you for calling him out on that!

I'm so sorry about the work situation. My advice would be to avoid engaging with anyone about it. Keep it professional, bland, say it didn't work out and change the subject.  Build support outside of work with family and friends. Covid might limit other work opportunities in the short term so it might be wise to try to mitigate any interactions you have with him by taking breaks/lunches at different times and places and limit contact with him so you don't get sucked back in or involved in any work drama he might create. If you have an HR department, do some research on options like transfers or what recourse you have if he gets nasty. Document everything to protect yourself too. If it gets intolerable start working on your C.V. and look for other opportunities. My heart goes out to you.

Dear Lost & Confused,

I have something to add that has not been directly brought up, though Whirligig alluded to it. He knows you know his secret. A cheater, in the closet bisexual/gay man does not have the most developed moral character. There is a distinct possibility he may undermine you at work to punish you for breaking up or intimidate you to not gossip about him.  Same-sex activity is frowned upon despite all the pro-gay niceties. . He knows a lot about your personal trials. There's nothing stopping him from gossiping about you.

If this were me, I would take active steps to leave the company for another job. This guy has ruined it for you there.  Meanwhile take the good advice Whirligig gave about being ultra professional, avoid him in the hallways, elevators, pretend you have blinders on, take your cell phone everywhere you go in the office,  don't react if he goads you, keep a meticulous log about any odd interactions with him or coworkers. Go to HR only if you have something actionable/illegal against him. HR's objective is to look out for the best interest of the company, not you.

I can't help but think he picked you because you worked at the same company. It gives him cachet to date a smart coworker.  On the other hand,  people who keep big secrets are disordered and sadistic.. If he knew you found his secret, it would give him pleasure to see you suffer.

To be honest, it is never a good idea to date a coworker. In your next job, avoid it. Work on resolving the PTSD and associated trauma. Concentrate on that and it will help you in your personal and professional life.  You are young and have a full life ahead of you. Again, hugs, and post when you want to. We've been there, too!
 

Last edited by MJM017 (June 15, 2020 2:12 am)

Thank you all for your support. The jerk sent a weak apology last night via text so I'm taking that as the most closure I'll get.

I feel really violated, both emotionally and se*ually. I didn't get to have a large amount of information about his history because of his lying and I'm feeling... not assaulted, but violated still.

I'm also wondering if this was why he tried to sweep me off my feet and get me to move in with him after only a couple months?

Your posts are very validating and helpful for me.

He has been telling people at work that HE broke up with ME. I'm going to have to gently correct that if asked. I am trying to let my growing rage eat up the feelings of hurt and loss. He is not a good person, and yet I'm kicking myself mentally for thinking that he was. Even with all this, there's a tiny part of me that still misses him and the plans that we made, and that is frustrating. I'm hoping that will fade soon.

I'm glad I found this website, as what happened wasn't just a standard breakup, and I'm having so many conflicted emotions.

Last edited by LostAndConfused (June 15, 2020 10:01 am)