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March 30, 2020 3:49 pm  #31


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

walkbymyself wrote:

Hi everybody.  I know I haven't been around much, and in part it's because I'm trying not to dwell on the whole shitstorm of my divorce.  But I'm in NYC and we've been in lockdown for a while now ... honestly, I don't even really have a solid sense of time.  I'm okay, and we're able to go out and walk or run in the park as long as we maintain distance.  
Hi Walk....news on the tv here was reporting about the MASH-like tent hospital set up in Central Park, and we have several New Zealanders over there letting us know how it is

My divorce (which is in California courts) is stalled right now, since the courts are closed except for emergencies.
Everything that EVERYONE is or was going to do is up in the air. I'd been to see my son before everything was locked down but now I wish I'd flown down to see my daughter straight after because now nobody's allowed to go anywhere. Surreal, so surreal

I don't know what's going on with my husband, but he mentioned cryptically that he hadn't set foot in any building other than his own house for several days.  Apparently one of his friends has come by every few days and dropped off groceries.  So I'm not sure why he couldn't pick up his own groceries, and there may be a health issue there.

We are still trying to negotiate our final judgment, though, and Friday his llawyer sent a response letter than mentioned, among other things, that her (the lawyer's) own husband is sick with the virus.  I have to admit, my gut reaction was not even remotely empathetic or charitable.  I think I have already posted in the past how my husband once volunteered to take off work when our daughter was sick and I had a very urgent matter at work.  I stayed up all night with her, while he went off and stumbled back in at 5 a.m., and after I went to work he completely blew off all responsibility for our sick child -- didn't give her any tylenol for her fever, didn't feed her, didn't take her temperature, didn't give her liquids, didn't wipe her down with a washcloth, didn't even read her a story or make her feel loved.  I returned home at one in the afternoon and she had a raging fever; he was still in bed fast asleep.  She had spent the entire morning phoning my cellphone number over and over leaving messages begging me to come home, pleading that she didn't feel well, over and over.  I didn't get any of them because we were required to turn off our phones.
What a selfish, thoughtless man he is. You can be sure that your daughter will eventually (if she doesn't alrady) see who he really is

So I told my lawyer to let my husband's lawyer know that I know exactly how hard it is for a woman to keep up her professional responsibilities when there's a sick loved one at home.  I said she should ask her client what on earth I'm talking about.

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 30, 2020 5:23 pm  #32


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

OneDayAtATime wrote:

Thanks for that thought MJM: “It’s wrong and immoral to know you are not straight & cover it up.”

Stuck in isolation with my worst enemy, who is pretending to be oh-so-sweet is such a mind f$&k. Reading the different perspectives of all of you helps me not go insane.

I’m forced into a peck of a kiss and a hug with him so many times during the day. It makes me sick to pretend.
I'm sure you'll get to the point of decision & strength when you'll decide finally to not feel forced, and to actually say to this man "don't touch me" 

At least I have my own room where I can sleep on my massage table, and have been for many months.
You're so lucky to have a room of your own! 

But I want to scream when I hear him being so sweet and attentive with the kids who he mainly ignored for so many years. He’s been reading all of my oldest daughter’s favorite books so he can connect with her, and it freaks me out because he got me (with half the effort) when I was her age and destroyed 20 years of my life. 
Your children see you accepting their father's touch so think everything is going to be okay. Maybe you'll see his interactions with them as seperate from yours when you're no longer accepting of his touch. He's still their father

Being stuck in the house and not able to work while he works from home and I’m back to being isolated and homeschooling the kids like I did for most of my life is horrifying... I can’t wear any clothes that are pretty or show my neck because he likes to pretend in front of the kids that he likes me so he’ll kiss my neck (I was starved for that kind of attention all of my adult life). But he still is trying to call me his beautiful wife (at the times I look terrible) and trying to rub my feet or stuff like that. I feel like a caged animal and I keep thinking it must look awful to the kids...As long as you let him treat you like a caged animal....you're gonna feel like one..
but I can’t rock the boat because his fury is something I can’t live with. He can be vicious and horrible and I have a heart condition that will act up if I’m stuck in isolation with him being mean... so I just keep playing along although it feels awful betraying myself like this. I do NOT want to ever kiss him or have him touch me ever again.
And with your last admission of him being a vicious man....I feel I've given you the wrong advice because a vicious man is one of the hardest men to get away from, and sometimes you have to play HIS game to survive....so forgive me if I appeared harsh and unthinking.
I'm so glad the Forum is a refuge for you xx

 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

March 31, 2020 2:56 am  #33


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

Thank you Ellexoh... even though I do have to keep playing his game for now, I really appreciate your advice above... I can visualize the day I finally can tell him not to kiss me, and it gives me strength. I can’t do it yet, he’s too smart, there’s too many ways he can hurt me. I’m dependent on him for money right now, but by next February I will have built my business up enough that it doesn’t matter how he screws me over, I will be able to survive and provide for all my kids and myself.

Rob, thank you for your advice earlier about learning to separate the way we treat the kids from the way we interact with the gid spouse... being a submissive and supportive wife is so hammered into my brain I forget and fall back into the mode of encouraging the kids in their relationship with him, which really doesn’t have to be my role as his abused future ex. I won’t block them from him, but I definitely don’t need to be giving him hints that help him pretend he understands them.

 

April 1, 2020 8:33 pm  #34


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

oneday,

You said.
"..I can’t do it yet, he’s too smart, there’s too many ways he can hurt me. .."

And I agree.    My dad once asked why I why I didnt do this and that while was living with my GX.    I told him flat out because he did not know what she was capable of..everyday was some new hurt..She threatened many times to call the police and have me removed  (like I was some abusive husband...I was a scared little mouse...the abuse was quite the opposite).  
My advice is do whatever you need to do to survive..  there is no set timetable...everyone of us has a different situation financially and physically.      You are not idle..   you are moving forward..as your posting here shows..    Always move forward...little steps each day.

Like in that movie/book safe haven  she saved up a pennies and change and hid them in the planter outside..did anything she had to do slowly preparing to flee her husband.

I lived with my GX before, during and after divorce.  Sleeping in the basement on a rollout mattress.   The main hurt was if I left she would make sure I never saw the kids again...

You are in your home with your kids.. you are exactly where you need to be at this point in time.. Keep taking small steps..build your support system..slow, stoic, always forward.   As for the  hurt he is inflicting (that they are always oblivious to)....   The mills of God grind slowly but they grind exceedingly small...

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

April 1, 2020 8:55 pm  #35


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

walkbymyself,

And that is why your daughter needs you.   Our kids,, maybe even not today, but in the end will need a parent that puts them first..  These spouses are so not it..  they may act like they care for the kids  and I hope they do ..I pray they do.   But our kids will need us..  we need only be the same parent we always were ...consistent, steadfast, loyal to them.     I do not think loyalty is something these spouses know.

Sorry to hear about your divorce setback but ,sadly, it sounds typical.  Even without the pandemic   these spouses have a way of dragging out things.  Sadly,  I think its par for the course as they are narcissist. 
Just remember you get one chance and its so worth it to stop the hurt..,.,  I thank God everyday I'm away from the abuse and hurt.   



 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

April 20, 2020 12:15 pm  #36


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

It's been three weeks since anyone has posted on this thread, although I suspect most of us are still under "shelter in place" expectations.

How is everyone doing? 

   I am sheltering in place alone (I left my trans-identifying ex just over two years ago, and the divorce was finalized 18 months ago).

  Mostly I am ok with being alone, and glad I'm not stuck in the house with my ex.  I communicate with friends and relatives electronically or over the phone quite often on most days.  I have had some "people contact" because I sewed masks and walked them to friends in my neighborhood, and we talked while "social distancing." 

   But Saturday evening and yesterday were down hard times for me.  I was reading an emotionally intense book on Saturday early evening and was overcome with physical longing for touch, for sexual touch, for partnership, and I felt lonely and alone, as if I deserved to be both, and angry, too.  Angry at myself for putting so much effort into a dead end marriage, so that I must face this challenge--as with every challenge--alone. Angry that so much of my attention and effort were for so long focused on my always-emotionally needy ex that my friend network is not deeper and more varied.  Angry at him for so long deceiving me, and for so long blaming me for what was not my fault, to the point I internalized his criticism, and, as a result, last night found myself thinking that I was alone because I deserved to be alone.  A true dark night of the soul.

 Today I have regained my equilibrium and my perspective, thankfully.  

  I hope everyone is well and safe.

 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 20, 2020 12:17 pm)

 

April 20, 2020 1:52 pm  #37


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

OutofHisCloset wrote:

How is everyone doing?  

I'm doing okay. I am fortunate to have a job where I can continue to work in these crazy times but the isolation is getting to me.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

But Saturday evening and yesterday were down hard times for me.  I was reading an emotionally intense book on Saturday early evening and was overcome with physical longing for touch, for sexual touch, for partnership, and I felt lonely and alone, as if I deserved to be both, and angry, too.  Angry at myself for putting so much effort into a dead end marriage, so that I must face this challenge--as with every challenge--alone. Angry that so much of my attention and effort were for so long focused on my always-emotionally needy ex that my friend network is not deeper and more varied.  Angry at him for so long deceiving me, and for so long blaming me for what was not my fault, to the point I internalized his criticism, and, as a result, last night found myself thinking that I was alone because I deserved to be alone.  A true dark night of the soul.

 Today I have regained my equilibrium and my perspective, thankfully.  
 

I am so grateful to hear that you are doing better and were able to find your center again!

When things went south in my marriage I was resolved to being alone for the rest of my life. I knew that being alone would be far better than living the crazy circus that is TGT. I knew that being out of a toxic relationship was far better than staying in one. In the end, my depression got much better once I moved on.

I was learning how to be happy with myself. After all, happiness is an inside job. There isn't anybody who was put on this planet who's job it is to make me happy -- that is something that only I can do myself.

As I was starting to have success with this process of self actualization and re-establishing my own individual identity after a decades long failed marriage, something weird happened. When I was least expecting it, and from probably the least likely place, I connected with someone. We more than just connected, we clicked. And we clicked in a way I didn't know even was possible. It started with some e-mails, then text messages, then phone calls, and even video calls. I met someone who got me, who understood me at a level I had always longed for. I met someone who appreciated all the little things about me that my ex took for granted. I met someone who validated me as a person, and showed me that I deserve to be loved, appreciated, and happy. So even though I'm practicing social distancing and going a little stir crazy, I no longer have to go through it all alone.

People who have been on this board for some time have heard me say over and over "You deserve better! You deserve to be loved! You deserve to be happy!" I said "There's light at the end of the tunnel" and "it will get better." For me, it truly has!

I wish everyone on here the same joy, happiness, and love that I have found!

 

April 20, 2020 3:14 pm  #38


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

OutofHisCloset wrote:

How is everyone .... I hope everyone is well  

 New Zealand is faring better than many countries. We have gone "hard and early" at Covid19 and only 12 deaths so far. We are mostly in-house with social distancing when out. Which has meant I've had lots of time alone with the man who ruined my future. Walking lots, he has taken over my computer desk which is fine, he's lucky enough to have a job in communications but I was a wee bit miffed at first...lol
 Yeah..Walking and thinking heaps, but not getting ahead of myself because it seems life stopped for the whole world so it could reboot and I see only positivity ahead. For the world and for me


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

April 20, 2020 4:43 pm  #39


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

Hello everyone,
Since I was introduced to this forum in January, I feel a kinship to the people who post here although I don't know you and you don't know me.  I appreciate the recent post of "how is everyone"? 

I am totally grateful that I was able to escape from my bi-curious cross-dressing STBX husband.  I moved out in February, just in the nick of time.  Had it not been for the encouragement and support of my counselor, friends and family (who I kept my secret from for two years) and the posters on this forum, I would be in self-isolation with this man.  I shudder at the thought.  Even 100+ miles apart, it has not been easy.  He insists he has changed; the whole experience was a big mistake - and I don't believe him.  He said that so many times before, only to dash my hopes and dreams one more time..  I believe what he does, not what he says.  

I am doing okay.  I wish I could explore my new home town, but that will come in time.  I mostly do yard work, take long walks, watch tv, and practice my music.  I'm not lonely because a lot of people call me and I'm a participant in three weekly Zoom groups.  I regard this as a strange interlude in my life. 

I hope everyone is okay and coping the best way that they can.  We will get through this and be stronger than ever when it's over. 

Take care and stay safe.  

 

April 20, 2020 8:34 pm  #40


Re: Covid19/Coronavirus

Australia is in pretty good shape too - 72 deaths so far.  and now the numbers of new cases has dropped right down but we are still staying home.  I don't think it will change much for some time to come, even when restrictions get eased.  I am quite lucky where I am with no cases in the area and the beach nearby - big enough that social distancing stays in place. 

I'm finding the isolating factor quite a journey, sometimes good sometimes not, it is happening anyway and I quite like going a bit doolally at times and I have some neighbours to have friendly interactions with and getting inventive in my cooking.  My cat is happy.

 

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