Hi everybody.  I know I haven't been around much, and in part it's because I'm trying not to dwell on the whole shitstorm of my divorce.  But I'm in NYC and we've been in lockdown for a while now ... honestly, I don't even really have a solid sense of time.  I'm okay, and we're able to go out and walk or run in the park as long as we maintain distance.  

My divorce (which is in California courts) is stalled right now, since the courts are closed except for emergencies.

I don't know what's going on with my husband, but he mentioned cryptically that he hadn't set foot in any building other than his own house for several days.  Apparently one of his friends has come by every few days and dropped off groceries.  So I'm not sure why he couldn't pick up his own groceries, and there may be a health issue there.

We are still trying to negotiate our final judgment, though, and Friday his llawyer sent a response letter than mentioned, among other things, that her (the lawyer's) own husband is sick with the virus.  I have to admit, my gut reaction was not even remotely empathetic or charitable.  I think I have already posted in the past how my husband once volunteered to take off work when our daughter was sick and I had a very urgent matter at work.  I stayed up all night with her, while he went off and stumbled back in at 5 a.m., and after I went to work he completely blew off all responsibility for our sick child -- didn't give her any tylenol for her fever, didn't feed her, didn't take her temperature, didn't give her liquids, didn't wipe her down with a washcloth, didn't even read her a story or make her feel loved.  I returned home at one in the afternoon and she had a raging fever; he was still in bed fast asleep.  She had spent the entire morning phoning my cellphone number over and over leaving messages begging me to come home, pleading that she didn't feel well, over and over.  I didn't get any of them because we were required to turn off our phones.

So I told my lawyer to let my husband's lawyer know that I know exactly how hard it is for a woman to keep up her professional responsibilities when there's a sick loved one at home.  I said she should ask her client what on earth I'm talking about.

Last edited by walkbymyself (March 30, 2020 8:55 am)

walkbymyself wrote:

Hi everybody.  I know I haven't been around much, and in part it's because I'm trying not to dwell on the whole shitstorm of my divorce.  But I'm in NYC and we've been in lockdown for a while now ... honestly, I don't even really have a solid sense of time.  I'm okay, and we're able to go out and walk or run in the park as long as we maintain distance.  
Hi Walk....news on the tv here was reporting about the MASH-like tent hospital set up in Central Park, and we have several New Zealanders over there letting us know how it is

My divorce (which is in California courts) is stalled right now, since the courts are closed except for emergencies.
Everything that EVERYONE is or was going to do is up in the air. I'd been to see my son before everything was locked down but now I wish I'd flown down to see my daughter straight after because now nobody's allowed to go anywhere. Surreal, so surreal

I don't know what's going on with my husband, but he mentioned cryptically that he hadn't set foot in any building other than his own house for several days.  Apparently one of his friends has come by every few days and dropped off groceries.  So I'm not sure why he couldn't pick up his own groceries, and there may be a health issue there.

We are still trying to negotiate our final judgment, though, and Friday his llawyer sent a response letter than mentioned, among other things, that her (the lawyer's) own husband is sick with the virus.  I have to admit, my gut reaction was not even remotely empathetic or charitable.  I think I have already posted in the past how my husband once volunteered to take off work when our daughter was sick and I had a very urgent matter at work.  I stayed up all night with her, while he went off and stumbled back in at 5 a.m., and after I went to work he completely blew off all responsibility for our sick child -- didn't give her any tylenol for her fever, didn't feed her, didn't take her temperature, didn't give her liquids, didn't wipe her down with a washcloth, didn't even read her a story or make her feel loved.  I returned home at one in the afternoon and she had a raging fever; he was still in bed fast asleep.  She had spent the entire morning phoning my cellphone number over and over leaving messages begging me to come home, pleading that she didn't feel well, over and over.  I didn't get any of them because we were required to turn off our phones.
What a selfish, thoughtless man he is. You can be sure that your daughter will eventually (if she doesn't alrady) see who he really is

So I told my lawyer to let my husband's lawyer know that I know exactly how hard it is for a woman to keep up her professional responsibilities when there's a sick loved one at home.  I said she should ask her client what on earth I'm talking about.

Thank you Ellexoh... even though I do have to keep playing his game for now, I really appreciate your advice above... I can visualize the day I finally can tell him not to kiss me, and it gives me strength. I can’t do it yet, he’s too smart, there’s too many ways he can hurt me. I’m dependent on him for money right now, but by next February I will have built my business up enough that it doesn’t matter how he screws me over, I will be able to survive and provide for all my kids and myself.

Rob, thank you for your advice earlier about learning to separate the way we treat the kids from the way we interact with the gid spouse... being a submissive and supportive wife is so hammered into my brain I forget and fall back into the mode of encouraging the kids in their relationship with him, which really doesn’t have to be my role as his abused future ex. I won’t block them from him, but I definitely don’t need to be giving him hints that help him pretend he understands them.

walkbymyself,

And that is why your daughter needs you.   Our kids,, maybe even not today, but in the end will need a parent that puts them first..  These spouses are so not it..  they may act like they care for the kids  and I hope they do ..I pray they do.   But our kids will need us..  we need only be the same parent we always were ...consistent, steadfast, loyal to them.     I do not think loyalty is something these spouses know.

Sorry to hear about your divorce setback but ,sadly, it sounds typical.  Even without the pandemic   these spouses have a way of dragging out things.  Sadly,  I think its par for the course as they are narcissist. 
Just remember you get one chance and its so worth it to stop the hurt..,.,  I thank God everyday I'm away from the abuse and hurt.   



 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

How is everyone doing?  

I'm doing okay. I am fortunate to have a job where I can continue to work in these crazy times but the isolation is getting to me.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

But Saturday evening and yesterday were down hard times for me.  I was reading an emotionally intense book on Saturday early evening and was overcome with physical longing for touch, for sexual touch, for partnership, and I felt lonely and alone, as if I deserved to be both, and angry, too.  Angry at myself for putting so much effort into a dead end marriage, so that I must face this challenge--as with every challenge--alone. Angry that so much of my attention and effort were for so long focused on my always-emotionally needy ex that my friend network is not deeper and more varied.  Angry at him for so long deceiving me, and for so long blaming me for what was not my fault, to the point I internalized his criticism, and, as a result, last night found myself thinking that I was alone because I deserved to be alone.  A true dark night of the soul.

 Today I have regained my equilibrium and my perspective, thankfully.  
 

I am so grateful to hear that you are doing better and were able to find your center again!

When things went south in my marriage I was resolved to being alone for the rest of my life. I knew that being alone would be far better than living the crazy circus that is TGT. I knew that being out of a toxic relationship was far better than staying in one. In the end, my depression got much better once I moved on.

I was learning how to be happy with myself. After all, happiness is an inside job. There isn't anybody who was put on this planet who's job it is to make me happy -- that is something that only I can do myself.

As I was starting to have success with this process of self actualization and re-establishing my own individual identity after a decades long failed marriage, something weird happened. When I was least expecting it, and from probably the least likely place, I connected with someone. We more than just connected, we clicked. And we clicked in a way I didn't know even was possible. It started with some e-mails, then text messages, then phone calls, and even video calls. I met someone who got me, who understood me at a level I had always longed for. I met someone who appreciated all the little things about me that my ex took for granted. I met someone who validated me as a person, and showed me that I deserve to be loved, appreciated, and happy. So even though I'm practicing social distancing and going a little stir crazy, I no longer have to go through it all alone.

People who have been on this board for some time have heard me say over and over "You deserve better! You deserve to be loved! You deserve to be happy!" I said "There's light at the end of the tunnel" and "it will get better." For me, it truly has!

I wish everyone on here the same joy, happiness, and love that I have found!