paulf wrote:

......but is this what my future is? she says she is trying not to be so attracted to other women, but i feel i am suppressing her needs as a woman. Our relationship & sex life is awesome, just not sure i can handle not knowing if an affair is just around the corner

 

Hello Paulf, welcome to our Forum. Yip it's a relief to find a place where everybody knows....if not your name....exactly how you feel.
The buck doesn't stop, or start, with your wife. She has chosen to toss your marriage in the air, watch it all come down in pieces then want to rearrange it....to suit her. So it's you in the driver's seat, not her. There's nothing wrong and everything right about being true to yourself and saying "I don't want my life to be this" 
It may not seem like you have more of a say in this than she does, and first you'll have to look deep inside yourself and visualise what life would be with a partner who wants somebody else in it with you...to fulfill hers....but you have every monogamous and self-affirming right to say it
 

If there is one thing I've noticed about us straight spouses it is that we are always giving our gay spouse the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for them, asking more of ourselves than of them.  

Can you write your own rules?  well there's some you can and some you can't isn't it.  You can't decide you will live by eating rocks, you can decide what you want for breakfast.  So when you optimistically decide you can write your own rules in the marriage then I think you need to take a good long hard look at the menu - that's being polite and not pre-emptive but really I want to say the bit of you that wants to go dating just to get away from her - I'm cheering him on because you're straight.  And straight needs straight.

But you know what, right now it's not about dating or writing marriage rules, it's about you and the love you feel for her.

I often remember this scene from my past.  In the living room we have a guest staying and there is a group of friends there.  The guest is standing in the middle of the room and she is looking at me and the ex sitting on the sofa and suddenly this just bursts out of her - what is a woman like you doing with a man like him!

It stands out because it was so brave of her to speak out, because I wish I'd listened to her so much I wish I had, I was still in my 30's at the time.  And you know what I replied, blush hang my head and feel like a complete idiot I said something to the effect that still waters run deep, there was a depth of passion between us.  And I have turned to look at him and I see the smirk he gives her.  I saw it.  I loathe him when I think of that now.  

Now that I know he was fooling me I can see how idiotic that must have sounded and the woman who saw better has my sympathies and I can see why she just sighed and turned away.  what is she supposed to do, I am in love with him she can see it's a lie from him but it is the truth from me.  I really did love him that much.  It's just that he didn't love me back and I didn't see that, I thought it was reciprocal I didn't understand that the love I felt was all being generated by me.  It was bouncing off him like sunlight off a mirror.

So your wife will come back and spread her special brand of charm like an ointment on your wounds and you will turn away from your bid for freedom and do whatever she wants you to do.  Not because you are weak but because of the strength of the love in you.  What can you do?  You stand your ground, you care about how you are feeling, what your needs are, not hers for a change,

thanks OneDay,

I do get to feel a bit solitary doing this stay at home thing on my own but when I think I could still be with my ex I realise I have a lot to be grateful for.

Hope you are doing okay.

wishing you all the best, Lily

yes you are right.  but actually in some ways I am healing in the isolation I think, you know, no expectations on me I can just fall apart a bit and see where the pieces lay.  I yearn for the company of healthy kind genuine people, it's really hard to form those bonds while you are looking after a gid - I found I had been gaslighted with my closest friends too, they do still love me but keep forgetting who I am.  I have to say tho my cat is a delightful character and steadfast, she is just licking my face - she wants to sit on my lap.

getting gaslighted is so common it happens in so many ways and it does, it really gums up your ability to have your own thoughts.  Up close and personal from your spouse is crushing isn't it.  I can't recover from the consequences of falling for a gid but my thoughts and feelings recovered quickly just by getting away from him.

while I was still with him I think I learnt a lot about how to look after myself, it just matters so much to be there for you. 

wishing you all the best,  xox.

Last edited by lily (April 14, 2020 2:00 am)