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October 9, 2019 8:40 am  #21


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

Your wife is a garden variety cheater who has kept you off balance by means of claiming bi, which is nothing more than a Jedi mind trick meant to confuse you and keep you from seeing the truth.  Take the sexuality thing out of the picture: if she were cheating with a man because she was, say, attracted to artists, or woodworkers, would you have been so willing to take her abuse?  
You need to get over to Chump Lady, pronto.

 

October 9, 2019 3:32 pm  #22


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

paulf wrote:

......but is this what my future is? she says she is trying not to be so attracted to other women, but i feel i am suppressing her needs as a woman. Our relationship & sex life is awesome, just not sure i can handle not knowing if an affair is just around the corner

 

Hello Paulf, welcome to our Forum. Yip it's a relief to find a place where everybody knows....if not your name....exactly how you feel.
The buck doesn't stop, or start, with your wife. She has chosen to toss your marriage in the air, watch it all come down in pieces then want to rearrange it....to suit her. So it's you in the driver's seat, not her. There's nothing wrong and everything right about being true to yourself and saying "I don't want my life to be this
It may not seem like you have more of a say in this than she does, and first you'll have to look deep inside yourself and visualise what life would be with a partner who wants somebody else in it with you...to fulfill hers....but you have every monogamous and self-affirming right to say it
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 8, 2020 5:39 am  #23


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

I was reading this post and it speaks volumes to me. I have a very similar story. I'm only 3-4 days out of "letting the cat out of the bag". We're spending a few days apart. Her idea, but I'm kind of glad to have a chance to figure out what I want. It seems like it was a month ago, but it's not even a week. I've not slept really, so I feel like I've processed so much. But I know my emotions are raw still. I've bounced around the last 12 hours on "I don't know what a marriage we will have together, but we can write our own rules and have a real marriage and be together someway" to "I want to join Tinder to just get away from her" and back to the first. It's a roller coaster.
Deep inside, I love her still, and despite her feelings (they've always been there I just pretended they weren't), I'm so sexually and romantically attracted to her. 

 

April 9, 2020 12:58 pm  #24


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

If there is one thing I've noticed about us straight spouses it is that we are always giving our gay spouse the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for them, asking more of ourselves than of them.  

Can you write your own rules?  well there's some you can and some you can't isn't it.  You can't decide you will live by eating rocks, you can decide what you want for breakfast.  So when you optimistically decide you can write your own rules in the marriage then I think you need to take a good long hard look at the menu - that's being polite and not pre-emptive but really I want to say the bit of you that wants to go dating just to get away from her - I'm cheering him on because you're straight.  And straight needs straight.

But you know what, right now it's not about dating or writing marriage rules, it's about you and the love you feel for her.

I often remember this scene from my past.  In the living room we have a guest staying and there is a group of friends there.  The guest is standing in the middle of the room and she is looking at me and the ex sitting on the sofa and suddenly this just bursts out of her - what is a woman like you doing with a man like him!

It stands out because it was so brave of her to speak out, because I wish I'd listened to her so much I wish I had, I was still in my 30's at the time.  And you know what I replied, blush hang my head and feel like a complete idiot I said something to the effect that still waters run deep, there was a depth of passion between us.  And I have turned to look at him and I see the smirk he gives her.  I saw it.  I loathe him when I think of that now.  

Now that I know he was fooling me I can see how idiotic that must have sounded and the woman who saw better has my sympathies and I can see why she just sighed and turned away.  what is she supposed to do, I am in love with him she can see it's a lie from him but it is the truth from me.  I really did love him that much.  It's just that he didn't love me back and I didn't see that, I thought it was reciprocal I didn't understand that the love I felt was all being generated by me.  It was bouncing off him like sunlight off a mirror.

So your wife will come back and spread her special brand of charm like an ointment on your wounds and you will turn away from your bid for freedom and do whatever she wants you to do.  Not because you are weak but because of the strength of the love in you.  What can you do?  You stand your ground, you care about how you are feeling, what your needs are, not hers for a change,

 

April 12, 2020 3:27 am  #25


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

Lily, Thank you for sharing the story of the friend asking why a woman like you was with a man like your ex.
I recently found out that 21 years ago an ex bf of my sister’s had told her that my then-fiancé didn’t love me. It surprised her, but since he was kind of a messed up person himself she didn’t think any more about it until recently. But I have found out that my gid husband most definitely does NOT love me. Not anything like a straight man loves a much younger woman who thought the world of him. And not like a friend who would have wanted to spare me from pain instead of inflict it. But I can see that I wouldn’t have listened if anyone had told me back then that he didn’t love me. He was too good at pretending. I was too intent on loving.

Your analogy of sunlight off a mirror is spot-on. I have found I am so damn happy when I’m alone, and I feel so much more love when I can be alone because I’m not merely getting the tiny bit that reflect back to me off him, I can just love myself fully and it’s so much better than being with him.
Unfortunately it’s going to be so long until I’m safely away. And right now... isolation while trying to keep boundaries.

 

April 13, 2020 1:39 am  #26


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

thanks OneDay,

I do get to feel a bit solitary doing this stay at home thing on my own but when I think I could still be with my ex I realise I have a lot to be grateful for.

Hope you are doing okay.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

April 13, 2020 11:58 pm  #27


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

Lilly,
Sorry you’re having to be so isolated right now. Yes, it’s better than being cooped up with the ex, but being isolated is exactly the opposite of what we need once we’re free I imagine.
I would love to have been able to find a group of straight spouses to meet in person, but never did and now here we are.
I do start feeling like I’m crazy... he’s gaslighting me worse than ever before... so I come on here and read and read.
Psychological abuse is so cruel, because it steals your own thoughts and makes them work against you. So important to focus on self-love and healing, and then when we finally can, to be around healthy, kind, genuine people.

 

April 14, 2020 1:53 am  #28


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

yes you are right.  but actually in some ways I am healing in the isolation I think, you know, no expectations on me I can just fall apart a bit and see where the pieces lay.  I yearn for the company of healthy kind genuine people, it's really hard to form those bonds while you are looking after a gid - I found I had been gaslighted with my closest friends too, they do still love me but keep forgetting who I am.  I have to say tho my cat is a delightful character and steadfast, she is just licking my face - she wants to sit on my lap.

getting gaslighted is so common it happens in so many ways and it does, it really gums up your ability to have your own thoughts.  Up close and personal from your spouse is crushing isn't it.  I can't recover from the consequences of falling for a gid but my thoughts and feelings recovered quickly just by getting away from him.

while I was still with him I think I learnt a lot about how to look after myself, it just matters so much to be there for you. 

wishing you all the best,  xox.

Last edited by lily (April 14, 2020 2:00 am)

 

April 15, 2020 6:35 pm  #29


Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

Lilly, I’m glad you are finding healing in the isolation, and so glad to hear you have a cat. I love my cats, they’re such a comfort. Is it bad that I especially love that I KNOW the cats annoy my GID but he’s forcing himself to pretend to like them because our oldest daughter basically worships the cats? He makes a point to pet them when she’s watching; but I know he has yelled at the cats so much in the past and even kicked one a few years back. Another one of those times I should have left. He pretended to be such a cat person when we met way back when.

 

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