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- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: As the days go by
I basically stay because I cannot afford to be on my own. I work part time and my hourly wage is low so i only bring in about 925 dollars a month 
A divorce retainer is about 3000-5000 and if we agree to terms with a mediator that would be much less of course but he is not very accomodating. I pray that he realizes that its not fair to me and that he choose this lifestyle and because of that he should at the very least TRY to help ME get out on my own for the sake of my sanity and his daughters wellbeing but he just wants me to stay here trapped despite what he says.
I think I need to make small changes. Get my own checking account and only my money in there and pay for what i can afford as he suggested just the groceries and the sewer bill. If i can manage to budget and shop smarter, i can get those bills down. I did see an attorney and he basically said I should have run A LONG TIME AGO and that mediation would be the most financially ideal and that he cannot see even in a liberal state that i live in someone who has lied to me for 20 years can be favored too much. I just want 50/50 custody and some child support help and alimony if i qualify. I would prefer to keep this home but i know that it would be impossible to afford it but the mortgage is about the same as rent so it isnt too outlandish its just more work to deal with a home than an aparment where other people take care of the property.
Maybe the checking account would be the best first step to separating myself from him. But get in writing those are my bills to pay so if i make over that I can save some money
He already opened a new account but wont take his name off this one or move money from this one half of it into his new one or change the bills to this new account. I think he is hiding money from me because he tells me he doesnt have money to pay for this place on his own either nor child support but i have seen checks from his clients and they are much more than I think he has said he makes but it could be many weeks at a time I am not sure.
I just wish he would try a little more to help me leave not tie my hands in staying
- MJM017
- Member
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Re: As the days go by
Hi SS,
If you are the one shopping for groceries for your household from your joint account with an ATM card, you can take out small amounts of cash ($5s, $10s) for your getting away fund. Your spouse will not notice & it adds up. Take photos of his checks if you see them. Make copies of statements for joint accounts. Protect yourself financially.
You have to be honest with yourself- will you spouse really help you? What does he say when you ask him? Most higher earning spouses pull rank when they know a divorce is imminent. They’ll support the child and give the ex-spouse the minimum. He’ll probably put the money that should be yours into surgical transitioning, expensive clothing, makeup, etc.
There are many posts online detailing what women in your situation have done to get up and get out. You’re not the first and unfortunately not the last. It’s mind numbing and hard to do this. It took me a while to take action because I was hoping he’d be reasonable, kind, etc. He never was before. He remained cruel, nasty and selfish as he always had been.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: As the days go by
I don't mean to stress you further but one reason to seek a divorce as soon as you possibly can is that it severs your financial liability for his debts--and as one transwoman online advised wives, transitioning spouses can rack up LOTS of debt. As you know already, this works like an addiction: the more they do, they more they way. When they're in the "pink fog," they're not rational.
MJM's suggestion to create a "getaway fund" out of small amounts of cash that might come your way is a very good one. Also pack a suitcase for you and your daughter and keep it in a secure spot, maybe at a friend's.
- Rob
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Re: As the days go by
SS,
In almost all,situations i highly recommend against mediation..i think mediation works if you have a normal reasonable spouse.
Does anyone on this board,think they have normal,reasonable, spouse?
You dont have to justify here or to anyone why you stay ..we get it.
I think your plan is sound..open a checking account..squirrel away money..gather strength. You will know when you cant take it anymore and its worth selling your organs to get away. I look back and dont know,how I was able to tolerate what i did..my family thought i was crazy..but i was maintaining status quo..gathering strength.
If i had to,do it over again, I think I would have filed sooner..maybe stood up for myself more. But in the end it didnt really matter..it was pomp and circumstance..whether it takes 2 months, 2 years or 5 years its important to come,to terms,with the fact they they have destoyed the marriage and one person cannot fix it. We are not gods with omnipotent powers..but neither are they.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7