Hi, sorry I'm not much of a reader these days either but I went through the same experience of not recognising I was being emotionally abused, thinking the pain I was experiencing was my fault somehow and ending up scared - it was my lawyer who said to me do you realise you are being emotionally abused.  omg, immediately I realised she was right.

It is so hard to understand it is intentional.  I ended up recognising he was intentionally trying to scare me - all about using my emotions to assert control over my actions - it didn't work, he dropped it.

So there was one thing that jumped out at me from your post - "...get ready to discuss with him what I had discovered.  I knew I needed to--how could I have any self respect if I did not?"  

immediately I am scratching my head thinking what makes you believe that?  Isn't your self respect enhanced by just believing in yourself and not discussing it with him?  so I read on and you say how the next ten months has been like being beaten up all over again.

I cannot stress enough how hard it was to divorce my reluctant ex.  It just about did for me and I had strength and a few things going my way to help.  As I have read the stories here I have learnt there are gay spouses who make it even harder than mine did and I just don't have any advice and wish I did.

so wishing you all the best, I hope you find a way to get away from him.  It is 6 years for me now and I am able to see how my bruises have healed an awful lot simply from not being with him.

Lily

I'm so happy that you posted this. I haven't read your book but it reminded me of another, maybe similar one with a mind/body connection. I'd completely forgotten about it. As background, I had a prior relationship years ago, and the GID thing never occurred to me at the time but the relationship was destructive emotionally to me. He was distant, withholding of affection but unwilling to let me go, etc. Very subtle but horrible through accumulation. I have no confirmation but suspect strongly he was based on my current experience.

Anyway, regarding the book, it was happenstance that I stumbled on it in the first place and it was a little 'woo-woo' so to speak but I was having health and anxiety problems so I decided to experiment with it and bought a tape recorder and everything because I thought what do I have to lose? It was kind of a lark because you could pick your health problem and there's a kind of script you'd follow (which you can adapt to yourself) and it was supposed to address the underlying pain/feeling and release it so you could heal that issue. I had no idea it would actually work because I was skeptical and I didn't agree with the entire premise so I was genuinely shocked when I actually started feeling better.

It's a bit spirituality based so I know that won't be everyone's cup of tea but I don't think it's specific to any particular religion (can't remember for sure as it's been so long) and probably dated as it was written in the 90's but maybe worth a look. It's called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman. I think my copy disappeared at some point but your post reminded me so I think I might give it another go. It helped me once so maybe it could again and might be worth a shot for someone else too.

Edited to add a thank you for posting your book referral. I'm interested in checking it out as well.

Last edited by Whirligig (August 26, 2019 7:23 pm)

I have and Lily - I love your short synopsis!  Our bodies do tell us so much and instead of moving away from the pain - we move towards it.   Exactly right.  As avoidance only perpetuates what you are trying to minimize.  Leaning in and really talking with it....sounds a bit like what we all do here in the forum.  Looking baldly at the dreadful pain of so many and reading all the myriad ways it plays out.  And supporting each other by just reading and commenting and adding our own experiences that echo or insights that we have had on our journey.   I find exercise is very helpful.  Yoga especially for me has been very healing this last year.  I have gotten physically stronger from my practice and the emphasis on breathing and some meditation has calmed me a lot. 

 

Last edited by Leah (August 27, 2019 6:33 pm)

The trauma lingers for some time as we live with and separate from TGT and an abusive spouse.

It hit me like a ton of bricks..not until I heard a third party, my psychiatrist ,  say it .. 'you are abused'  did I realize the current brazen abusive treatment I was getting from my cheating spouse was abuse.... but also looking back...not signs of TGT but signs of narcissism and slow, subtle constant abuse that I just put up with out of love for years.

I recommend the book 'Back to Life' by Alicia Salzer  ...she offers some practical methods for helping people who have been through trauma cope.   


 

OMOTF,

Well with him out of the house the feeling of physical safety should lessen the stress on your body.

Me and the GX stayed in the house  months after the divorce and yeah the stress was constant.  The day she left I cried sure for the sadness of the finality..BUT..it was like bricks being lifted off my chest..the fight or flight level turned to 0.

Best wishes of strength and stoicism.