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I was reminded of this book today. Has anybody read it? I would love to hear people's takeaways. Whether you have read it or not, I would love hearing thoughts on trauma, dealing with trauma, the straight spouse experience as trauma, etc. I am working with this intelletually now, and I know that when my mind starts spinning around an idea, it usually means I'm working toward some personal breakthrough in my healing process.
I had seen a reference to the book at some point online. My JeffBezosWallet order history shows me I ordered it just a week or so after telling my husband my discoveries about his sexuality--so this would be about 10 weeks or so after I discovered TGT.
It was also about 4.5 years after a particularly traumatic experience with my husband, that marked the beginning of what I would now say is 5.5 years of really heightened emotional hostility from him. The hostility had been there before, but this was at a whole different level. During this particular event 5 years ago, his emotional and verbal attacks toward me were so hurtful, and so obvious (I think I've used the word "brazen" before on SSN) that I could finally see how really impossible and contradictory they were. I mean that my brain finally registered it because it was all at once. I had known it before, but this event was pivotal. However, I was truly frightened, and it was still all that psychological stuff that makes a person scared and believing it is their fault at some level. It was also by then after almost 25 years of what I now would call "grooming" me, and a pattern of increasing control and criticism over time. I still felt I had to work on things, and I did--but I realized it was survival stuff, and I also still being the "I can solve problems" person--I did not understand it as abuse.
As an aside, I would recommend the work of Susan Weitzman on this, "Not to People Like Us," where she researches upscale and middle class abuse and why people (especially women) do not recognize it as abuse.
I had finally come to understand the patterns in my marriage as the cycle of abuse at a peak in my husband's emotional hostility toward me, and this was just right before I discovered TGT. His emotional aggression was almost crazy and frenzied at the time..
After discovering TGT, it took me probably 8-10 weeks to get ready to discuss with him what I had discovered. I knew I needed to--how could I have any self respect if I did not? I also saw this discovery as the "bruising" that had been missing before. My discoveries were actually concrete things that I could see empirically, things my husband had actually done. However, what I had discovered--combined with his heightened hostility--made me genuinely afraid for my safety.
During that 8-10 weeks I sure did a lot of panicking and reading. Lots of talk therapy. Lots of writing. Lots of working to get ready to lose everything, etc. I could not sleep, could not focus, could hardly eat. Lost probably 10-15 pounds. I was also incredibly sick for many weeks with a never-determined-cause horrible illness where I was lethargic for a couple of weeks, extremely high fever, in the ER a couple of times, etc.
Since "confronting" my husband (I hate the word confronting here--he uses it--but I was super duper non confrontational--I had scripted it FOR WEEKS)--since confronting him, of course it has been such a fog and confusion. I now see this year of fog as heightened patterns of the control and emotional abuse--same patterns but with some differences--but even more destructive in many ways.
Also as I've been processing the past 30 years, I see more and more that the marriage itself has been full of trauma. Most of you have seen me write about the straight spouse experience as sexual assault, especially when looked at from the POV of (1) TGT being the "negative space" experience--the "non" or the "un" or the backward or the mirror of what we usually think of as aggression; and (2) the things we've discussed before from the work of Minwalla, and how the hidden sexual secrets in a relationship lead to an intimate betrayal trauma that is sexual betrayal and sexual aggression, and how the traumatic responses of partners in such a situation are very similar to the responses of people who are dealing with more traditionally defined sexual assault.
I would really love anyone's feedback on this book, because sure I've had it for a year now! But I'm not reading like I used to. Would appreciate any other ideas or insights related to dealing with trauma.
Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (August 25, 2019 5:17 pm)
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Hi, sorry I'm not much of a reader these days either but I went through the same experience of not recognising I was being emotionally abused, thinking the pain I was experiencing was my fault somehow and ending up scared - it was my lawyer who said to me do you realise you are being emotionally abused. omg, immediately I realised she was right.
It is so hard to understand it is intentional. I ended up recognising he was intentionally trying to scare me - all about using my emotions to assert control over my actions - it didn't work, he dropped it.
So there was one thing that jumped out at me from your post - "...get ready to discuss with him what I had discovered. I knew I needed to--how could I have any self respect if I did not?"
immediately I am scratching my head thinking what makes you believe that? Isn't your self respect enhanced by just believing in yourself and not discussing it with him? so I read on and you say how the next ten months has been like being beaten up all over again.
I cannot stress enough how hard it was to divorce my reluctant ex. It just about did for me and I had strength and a few things going my way to help. As I have read the stories here I have learnt there are gay spouses who make it even harder than mine did and I just don't have any advice and wish I did.
so wishing you all the best, I hope you find a way to get away from him. It is 6 years for me now and I am able to see how my bruises have healed an awful lot simply from not being with him.
Lily
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I've read it. I'll have to hold off on discussing it much now, as I am just arrived (last evening) at my mom's after a long drive, and don't have a lot of time for myself right now.
I do believe that the basic premise is right: that abuse is registered by the body, sets up house there, and that we can work with the body to heal. Massage is one way I try to do that, and have had some surprising releases from it--one of the most significant coming before I ever heard of or read the book. I only recently discovered that my current massage therapist, who also has an MSW degree, knows the book and the author's work, so we targeted some sessions. I believe healing touch is important in exorcising this trauma.
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I'm so happy that you posted this. I haven't read your book but it reminded me of another, maybe similar one with a mind/body connection. I'd completely forgotten about it. As background, I had a prior relationship years ago, and the GID thing never occurred to me at the time but the relationship was destructive emotionally to me. He was distant, withholding of affection but unwilling to let me go, etc. Very subtle but horrible through accumulation. I have no confirmation but suspect strongly he was based on my current experience.
Anyway, regarding the book, it was happenstance that I stumbled on it in the first place and it was a little 'woo-woo' so to speak but I was having health and anxiety problems so I decided to experiment with it and bought a tape recorder and everything because I thought what do I have to lose? It was kind of a lark because you could pick your health problem and there's a kind of script you'd follow (which you can adapt to yourself) and it was supposed to address the underlying pain/feeling and release it so you could heal that issue. I had no idea it would actually work because I was skeptical and I didn't agree with the entire premise so I was genuinely shocked when I actually started feeling better.
It's a bit spirituality based so I know that won't be everyone's cup of tea but I don't think it's specific to any particular religion (can't remember for sure as it's been so long) and probably dated as it was written in the 90's but maybe worth a look. It's called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman. I think my copy disappeared at some point but your post reminded me so I think I might give it another go. It helped me once so maybe it could again and might be worth a shot for someone else too.
Edited to add a thank you for posting your book referral. I'm interested in checking it out as well.
Last edited by Whirligig (August 26, 2019 7:23 pm)
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I was told a simple version of this - I do it with both feelings and physical pains - let the feeling speak to you, lean into the pain and ask what it has to say.
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I have and Lily - I love your short synopsis! Our bodies do tell us so much and instead of moving away from the pain - we move towards it. Exactly right. As avoidance only perpetuates what you are trying to minimize. Leaning in and really talking with it....sounds a bit like what we all do here in the forum. Looking baldly at the dreadful pain of so many and reading all the myriad ways it plays out. And supporting each other by just reading and commenting and adding our own experiences that echo or insights that we have had on our journey. I find exercise is very helpful. Yoga especially for me has been very healing this last year. I have gotten physically stronger from my practice and the emphasis on breathing and some meditation has calmed me a lot.
Last edited by Leah (August 27, 2019 6:33 pm)
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Deleted.
Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:44 pm)
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The trauma lingers for some time as we live with and separate from TGT and an abusive spouse.
It hit me like a ton of bricks..not until I heard a third party, my psychiatrist , say it .. 'you are abused' did I realize the current brazen abusive treatment I was getting from my cheating spouse was abuse.... but also looking back...not signs of TGT but signs of narcissism and slow, subtle constant abuse that I just put up with out of love for years.
I recommend the book 'Back to Life' by Alicia Salzer ...she offers some practical methods for helping people who have been through trauma cope.
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lily wrote:
So there was one thing that jumped out at me from your post - "...get ready to discuss with him what I had discovered. I knew I needed to--how could I have any self respect if I did not?"
immediately I am scratching my head thinking what makes you believe that? Isn't your self respect enhanced by just believing in yourself and not discussing it with him? so I read on and you say how the next ten months has been like being beaten up all over again.
I have not been responding to this thread as I should have after starting it. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and confirmation. I definitely need to do some kind of mind/body trauma healing.
Lily, I started responding to your question/comment soon after you posted it. It turned into quite a writing event for me! I worked through some events in the days before. But of course it was way too long to post.
I guess we do not understand things when we are in them quite the same as when we look back. I do have self respect, and I did not know I was in for months ahead of emotional attacks at the time. I guess I could have just left at that time. I felt I had to speak to him about it, because it was an actual action that he could not deny—and I felt I needed to stand up for myself. I also was acting in a way consistent with who I am—to be straightforward. At that time I also still felt loyal to my husband, and to maintaining my family, so it was an act of integrity—doing something difficult because it seemed right to see if we could have an honest, respectful conversation, to see of possibly this could be a turning point toward a healthy relationship in the future. I was not certain at the time what this meant about his sexuality. i also had reason to believe he may have hooked up with other men and I wanted to know that—for me and my health.
I had no idea how crazy making the time ahead would become.
My husband is now out of the house—THAT was a very hard thing to get to, and I am proud of myself for standing up to him and insisting he leave, as it was so upsetting to me but especially to one of our teens. The pretend was awful. I am now working toward the future. Lots and lots going on in the present. So much damage to manage for me and my children. I am pretty worn out, exhausted beyond tears honestly. And I am worried about the divorce process. However, it is a sunny day today, and I keep having little glimmers of who I used to be. Changing seasons do that!
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OMOTF,
Well with him out of the house the feeling of physical safety should lessen the stress on your body.
Me and the GX stayed in the house months after the divorce and yeah the stress was constant. The day she left I cried sure for the sadness of the finality..BUT..it was like bricks being lifted off my chest..the fight or flight level turned to 0.
Best wishes of strength and stoicism.
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