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1 of 1- tyler
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Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
Hi, new here. Two years ago, I discovered my wife's affair with her best (female) friend. When I confronted her, she acknowledged the infidelity but claimed it was in her past. We starting couples' therapy with the stated goal of saving our marriage. But she remained best friends with her partner, and our relationship never improved. About 5 months ago, she admitted that she was still in love with her partner, then a month later that it wasn't changing and about a month ago finally admitted that she's a lesbian. It is still incredibly painful for me to know that they are off doing things together (we have kids, so I can't just part ways with her). I have tried to express this pain, but she (or maybe it's her therapist) doesn't think she should be doing anything to "accommodate" my feelings. My belief is that until we are separated, she should at least have the courtesy not to make this more painful than it needs to be (particularly given all the deceit and emotional manipulation that went on for two+ years). But she says "I need to be true to myself and live honestly"
She has now lied several times -- directly, to my face -- about spending time with this woman. Most recently, I discovered that they had spent two days at a national park together when she was supposedly seeing another friend. When I confronted my wife, she was indignant and tried to turn it back on me. "I can't be honest with you when you react so negatively."
Looking for some advice. I want this split to be amicable, but I can't tolerate being lied to any longer. And short of saying "please stop lying," there's absolutely nothing I can do to impress on her how damaging her lies continue to be.
- Blue Bear
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Re: Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
Dear Tyler: I am so sorry you are going through this. My story is pretty similar to yours. About two months ago (at the suggestion of the great people on this message board), I submitted my story to The Chump Lady, who runs an amazing (and amazingly funny, if you can believe it) blog about infidelity. She is focused more on “straight” infidelity, but there are some substantial overlaps.
You can read my letter and her response here:
She is spot on. She absolutely nailed it, and her advice was far better than anything I got out of therapy. The comments are also great. Please read them.
Long story short, I can’t change my STBXW. But I can change how I respond to her, and I’m moving on. I can’t get what I wanted for my life, but I’m getting what I need. (Apologies to Mick Jagger.)
By the way, my STBXW’s lies became epic. It’s clear to me that she can no longer tell between the truth and an outright lie. She recently told me she was leaving town for the evening, and I asked whether her girlfriend was going. She said no. Guess what popped up on Facebook? I asked her POINT BLANK whether she was having an affair with girlfriend. She denied it and got mad at me (guess what? I was right!). The lies are epic. It's a lot of work to keep a secret double life alive.
Asking a liar to stop the lies is like asking Simon Cowell to stop being critical. It's not worth your time or emotional investment. Just assume everything she's telling you is a lie, and move on. They become nuts when the deception of their secret double lives start spinning out of control. It's a defense mechanism, albeit an unjustified one.
Glad to talk. Glad to chat. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
Last edited by Blue Bear (August 13, 2019 1:55 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
So sorry.
It happened to me.. my GX could not stop hurting me.. Once she decided she did not want the marriage it was full blown abuse.
If she is a really caring and moral person she would stop hurting you..and cheating... but you can see catch22 in that statement. I do not think we can control them when they are in this gay adolescent phase..
Start building your support system... Know that your kids need one mature, responsible and steadfast parent... and she is not it...
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Daryl
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Re: Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
Maybe just me, but I can't see why you cannot ask her to simply stop lying to you. You have that right. Plus it's what mature people do. Be true to yourself. All she's trying to do is blame you for her lies instead of herself and I don't think you'll ever get her to understand your pain. If she could do that she would have treated you differently the last few years instead of living a double life. At any rate, try to take the high road, your kids will notice that, especially if you want to instill in them an 'honesty is the best policy' moral compass. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Last edited by Daryl (August 12, 2019 11:06 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- lily
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Re: Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
Hi Tyler,
when we are hoping the split will be amicable what we mean is we hope our dishonest cheating inherently manipulative and selfish partner will be fair and reasonable with us during the negotiations. You can try looking for some leverage instead. I got some leverage out of my ex not wanting to come out of the closet but from the sound of things your wife is already half out the closet so I can but wish you lots of luck.
Look after yourself, my advice is to turn the tables on her - you tell her off for a change. I still remember the moment I turned the tables on my ex. He was reacting angrily to something I'd said and instead of explaining myself I got angry right back at him. omg. he sat back and I could see that he was just using his anger to make me shut up and once it didn't work he stopped doing it.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
Tyler, there’s a good post today on Chump Lady on divorcing a narcissist. It might help in preparing for the worst. Essentially, once the lying starts you aren’t in Kansas anymore. She has changed the terms of the entire relationship. The person you thought you knew is no longer there. You are dealing with a new entity now.
Much strength and courage,
ADSJ
- Blue Bear
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Re: Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
Hi Tyler: I could not agree more with ADSJ. It's like the body snatchers have claimed my wife and have replaced her with a really mean-spirited, 100% dishonest person. The moment I realized that the woman I married was gone, life became easier for me.
- Upside
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Re: Dealing with ongoing dishonesty
Blue Bear wrote:
Hi Tyler: I could not agree more with ADSJ. It's like the body snatchers have claimed my wife and have replaced her with a really mean-spirited, 100% dishonest person. The moment I realized that the woman I married was gone, life became easier for me.
So true!
I've been thinking about the line 'til death do us part' often.
In many ways this happened. The person I loved no longer exists, as they were consumed by their fears and disorders years ago from inside out. My choice in leaving them reinforces their ultimate insecurities, so they have to attack me – a walking visual reminder of their failures.