HI, I just had to reply - it hurts feeling lonely, doesn't it.  The thing I wanted to say is it sucks you're not really in control here, it's down to what she is going to do.  But maybe it's not such a bad thing that you might need to combine to afford housing - it gives you more full-time time with your little son.

It hurts feeling lonely and I know you love her but just wait til you meet a straight woman and have a reciprocal love.

I am alone but not so lonely since feeling that.

underneath it all there is a pain growing with every year you spend with someone who cannot eat from your plate.  

so yes, love your children love your pets love the plants on the verandah, the ocean to swim in, the touch of the sun on your skin and be good to yourself, fight in your corner for a while.

wishing you all the best, Lily 

FeelingLonely wrote:

 I’m hurt that for the 10 years of our relationship she had kept something major from me. I’m hurt that for the past 6 months plus I’ve been made to feel crazy for such a thing to happen. I’m hurt because on Friday my life may come to a crashing halt and there is nothing I can do about it.

I’m angry that my wife has been so selfish - putting me through personal hell while she figures her stuff out. Listen, I’m happy for her to be her... but the time for that was when she was in her 20s and single. Not after she had built a life, a family, a home with someone she vowed to be with. Especially since she knew long ago she was attracted to women. Instead, she built a life based on a lie. She lied to everyone including herself.

My friend.  I was in your exact situation a bit over 2 years ago.  I know just how it feels to be lied to for so many years (16 married for me).   I know exactly how it feels to watch your wife develop a relationship with a woman that doesn't feel normal - to have the other woman become the priority, to uncover red flags and bring them up and to be lied to over and over about them.  I also know what it's like to have a wife withhold sexual intimacy and then give that most important thing away to someone else.  I know what's it's like to find out after the fact and then worse, to find out they are planning to do it in the near future..  try sitting at home knowing your wife is out doing the most hurtful thing she could possibly do at that very moment..    I hope you don't have to go through those things. 

I spent the 6 months of my divorce waiting period trying to convince her not to leave me.  I talked about her vows and promises, the destruction of my life and our sons lives and the family we built together.  I talked about the sins she was committing.  I begged and pleaded and try to find solutions to continue our marriage.  None of it worked because her sexual desire was paramount to everything else in her life.  (I still have 4 and 5 letter swear words going through my head when I think about her at this time). 

She is going to make a decision as to whether she wants to pursue this other woman and destroy your family of if she wants to wait stay in the safety and protection of your marriage and the illusion of being heterosexual.  What she will not do is decide to be heterosexual.  She just isn't.   So while you want your life to go back to the way you percieved it to be, it will not happen.  

The biggest gift my ex-wife gave me in those days was to finally decide to leave me.  I thought completely the opposite way at the time, but after a couple years to reflect and some new experiences to change my perspective I know now that suffering through that divorce allowed me to find myself, become a better person, learn to love life again, and eventually to find a new person who's authenticity and love makes me so much happier than my ex ever could have.  It was a tough time, but for going through it I now get to live a much better life for the rest of my days. 

So what are you going to do?
I know based on your post that you are a committed and supportive husband and you will cling to your relationship as long as you can.  Despite what you here on this forum or anywhere else, you will not give up on your marriage.  That's ok.  That's a great quality.  That's who you are.   So you are going to wait and see what she decides to do. 
What I want to do for you is plant some seeds in the back of your mind so that when/if she decides to leave you will be able to handle it better, heal more quickly and look optimistically toward a new future. 

If you haven't seen it yet, this "first aid kit" is really helpful for new people:
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

We are all here for you.  The men and women on this forum have been in your shoes and know just how it feels.  Stick around and share your journey with us.  Let us know what questions you have and how we can help support you.  

Thank you all!

Phoenix, I’ve read your story and it seems all to similar. It’s erie.

This is a very difficult battle. It’s a 50:50 shit storm. 50% of the time I feel angry and frustrated. The other 50% of the time I feel love and compassion towards my wife.

I was very excited for her to come home tonight. I spoke with her earlier today on the phone. I asked if she was any closer to making “her decision” and she replied “Yes I think so, I’ve missed you a lot”. I   I didn’t dare broach the fact that I thought she was with the lesbian friend last night. She was very convincing as to who was there, where they went for dinner, what movie they saw, where they went for drinks after. But I’ve read so many of these stories that 75% of me thinks she’s gas lighting me (I’m catching on I think ; )).

Trust and character are a funny thing you know. There really aren’t many chances in life. I feel like my wife has lied about 10-15 things and I have very little trust in her. I remember a quote that I heard on a TV show a few weeks ago. I was sure to write it down. “Character is a crazy ass thing. Don’t know what it is but you know what it isn’t. Sometimes we don’t recognize it in ourselves till it’s too late and the damage has been done.” I feel like I’m getting a first hand witness of that quote playing out on my wife.

You want to know what’s funny - my wife is practicing her Halloween costume. She’s going to a party with her lesbian friend and their workout friends. Their dressing as the couple from Grease and my wife is dressing as a man. F*** this story just gets sadder and sadder. She is in the bathroom and looks like a man. I think the f***ing writing is on the wall. I actually might think that this Saturday may be my wife’s coming out party. Conveniently one day after decision day? Maybe I’m just reading into it. Maybe I’m just preparing for the worst.

I’m starting to get the picture and I honestly can’t help but laugh. I guess this is denial? It’s so freaking ridiculous.