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September 27, 2018 9:18 pm  #11

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Daisy, I understand. My life mirrors yours. Only I have been married for 44 years to my best friend. I have always been happy. Nine months ago we moved to Florida getting  ready for retirement, I loved my life, my husband. Friends envied my marriage, everyone loves my husband, he is such a great guy. And then I got slammed i discovered the "gay thing." The gay porn, anal dildos, history of STDs (he never told me about), no sex with me for 10 years (claimed he had ED), and he admitted to only one sexual encounter with a man. We have had many discussions , he just gaslights me, he denies, denies, denies. Then he uses words that he is just "bicurious, then bisexual" then later on he claims he never said that. It is just a mind fuck game. But for me I know the truth, he is gay.

When I first discovered this, I was in shock, I could not imagine my life w/o him. I went into , "I got to fix this mode." But I can't fix the gay thing. With time and more time, I learned to focus on myself, and what I could and could not live with. I identified what I want in my life, I want truth and honesty. I have accepted I will never get that from my husband. I like you considered a MOM, but with counseling, it helped me focus on me, I became the priority. I realized I matter, I have value. 

So give yourself time, it will not be easy, but it will get better. I have never known such sadness or pain.......But I now I have hope, I now believe I will be OK, I will be happy.......I have chosen divorce, peace and happiness. I feel I can breathe again.....

I wish you the very best. Give yourself time, you will make the right decision for you.



September 28, 2018 9:07 am  #12

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Daisy LD wrote:

This is all leading to a question for all you SSN veterans... do MOMs work?
So, do MOMs survive???

Everyone is different Daisy, so there is no hard and fast rule for this. 
Statistically, I've heard that 1 in 6 who attempt a MOM are able to make it work long term.  My source is our other Admin (Sam) who has been part of the SSN for a very long time.  

I think majority of our group will give the opinion that it cannot work based on their own life experiences and feelings about what a marriage should look like and what the character and trust is in our closeted gay/lesbian spouses.  Personally I can tell you that I wanted to make it work when I first found out, but after a couple years I see now that it would never have worked (for my relationship) and I'm so much happier now that I'm separated.  But I completely understand how you feel right now.  You only know the life you've had and the idea of divorce feels like it's 100% negative and wholly a loss.  There is no way for you to see anything positive from that outcome from where you are standing now, so don't feel bad about feeling this way.  It's normal and natural.  

Because the large part of our group's experience is that it cannot work, we wanted to create an area of optimism for those who want to try.   Here's that section:

Whether or not it can work for you depends on the two unique individuals in your marriage. 
It depends entirely on honesty and communication, which if we're honest has been lacking in every single marriage of the people on this forum.  But if you are going to have a change going forward you need communication and trust. 

I think the first step in this process is to do some soul searching to reach a level of understanding about what you need in your relationship.  Your husband will need to do the same thing.  Once you know what your boundaries are and desires are you can begin to compare with your spouse and see if they are going to work out or not.  
For example..  On one extreme you need to ask yourself if you are ok with him seeking physical pleasure outside of your marriage?  On the other extreme, Are you ok with him looking at gay porn?  Is it NO to both?  Or does your comfort level land somewhere in between?  Then you need to know what he thinks his "needs" are.  Is he willing to continue being intimate with only you?  Is he able to control his same sex attraction and sexual urges and only look at porn?  Or does he think he needs to go out and experiment?  Is he willing to be honest with you?  Will you be able to trust him?   If you are ok with him indulging in porn and he is ok with limiting his indulgence to porn and you feel you can trust him to follow through, then you might be ok.  If you say porn only and he says he needs to find a boyfriend for sex, then you're in trouble.  

There are so many more variables to consider.. but each one of these needs to be explored in this same fashion.  Figure out what you can be comfortable with or where you will draw a line.  Then have your partner do the same.  If you find out that your boundaries and needs match up, then I think you can find a way to continue your marriage.  if they don't, or you cannot reach a level of trust and communication, then I think you need to look into finding a better path for your life. 

It's such a hard decision. 

In hindsight, I'm lucky that my ex made the decision for me.  I would have tried to hang on forever and I would have been miserable.  As much as it hurt, having her decide to leave was a blessing.  I saw only loss and despair in the my future, but the reality now is that my life is so much better today. 

Either way, we support you in whichever decision you make and we are here for you. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 28, 2018 9:37 am  #13

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

And a couple of other questions to add to Phoenix's:

1) Honesty and communication are key, and after two years on these boards I can think of only a few persons  whose story I've read knew their partner's sexuality from the beginning--and even fewer continued to find a way forward with their partners afterwards. Your partner has hidden his sexuality from you. So ask yourself:  How honest and open do you think you believe your spouse can be now, going forward, given that he has spent his entire life hiding from himself and from you, and developing the habits of deception and evasion?  If trust is needed to go forward, how will you build it?  How will you know how much and when to factor this in to what your spouse tells you?  Will you need proof of his transparency? 

2) Your differing sexualities.  Phoenix poses the question about opening the marriage as if it will be your role to accommodate.  I'd like to flip his question over:  how ok will/would he be with you seeking sexual pleasure outside the marriage?  It seems as if the onus is alwayson the straight spouse for accommodating the need of the homosexual partner.  But it shouldn't be.   Perhaps you will come to the conclusion that if your partner steps outside the marriage for sexual gratification that you do not wish to risk your health with any STI he may bring back to you. Perhaps you may decide that you no longer want to have sex with him; if so, what are your options for seeking out sexual pleasure for yourself.


September 28, 2018 12:17 pm  #14

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?


Adding to Violated, Phoenix and OOHC,

I’ve said before, I’m grateful that XH, never admitted anything.  During my 4 years of climbing out of denial, I was like you, I didn’t think I could survive without him.  I would have been willing to try anything to keep my marriage, had there been ANY honesty whatsoever.  We retired and moved to the country, he didn’t think I would ever leave.  His behaviors just got crazier.  He made me physically ill, I had no desire to have sex with him anymore (not that we were having any sex for years) and threw him out to the guest room.  He told me he would do whatever he wanted to.  I don’t know if he ever acted on his impulses with a man during that time.  He was still trying to not be gay.  I do know that he was asking women all over town to go out with him.

Heck, he is now with my former female housekeeper.  He is 59 years old and still in the closet.  I never cheated on him, but when I left him, one of the first things I did was go out and have sex (I desperately needed to feel like a desired woman again).  Then in anger told him.  He was furious screaming he had never cheated on me (that was a flat out lie, at least with women).

You say you believe he wants a future with you.  But is it that he just wants to keep the status quo?  You KNOW that he physically wants more then you can offer.  I feel your pain, to my core.  I was recovering from brain surgery when I started to get confirmation that he was gay (he fell apart and ended up in rehab , it was his gay counselor who first suggested that he was gay).  I went to hubby and said, hey let’s just get a divorce.  Go our separate ways, I’ll recover and go back to work. He swore he loved me and would take care of me the rest of my life.  I retired with MS, a couple of years later he retired and we moved to the country.  Then my life became a living hell, everything was about him, his wants needs and desires.  I had nothing to live for anymore.  Now I have everything to live for, including a new straight husband who truly loves me.

You’re not going to know anything until you open a dialogue with him, even then be careful what you believe (have you read any of Sean’s thread).  Life changes and it sucks, yup my financial status took a major hit for awhile.  Divorce in retirement was hard to recover from.  But I did it, and I would have been just fine, even without remarrying and living with MS to boot.  Because I was healthier and happier without XH and I was not living in fear anymore.  Money is not everything and you have rights.  As everyone has said, start thinking about YOU and what you need/want to be happy for the rest of your life.

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 28, 2018 12:56 pm)


October 2, 2018 7:41 am  #15

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Hi everyone. I've given your posts serious consideration and have read them each about 10 times. It all applies and I can see that my husband is gay. He's not come out and I'm absolutely determined to not say anything until next summer when our youngest is away at college. I have two questions...

I've noticed so much of my husband's gay porn/movies/tv shows/online books are teen related or coming of age or young-hot-guy genre. Do you think this mirrors a stage in his own discovery? Like he's an adolescent in the gay world? He's 51 years old. If he had already admitted to himself that he's gay at this stage in his life, would his taste have changed to more mature content or it the genre just a matter of taste? He's always been nerdy (science fiction and superheroes). Maybe this part was just not as apparent as the other teen stuff. Does that make sense? 

Also, his gay orientation is considerably the most difficult thing I've ever faced in my entire adult life and I'm terrified. So I come to you asking for suggestions on how I can survive the next year. My daily consumption of alcohol is taking its toll (weight gain, bad example for my teen son) so I'm wondering if you have any strategies to help me get through the next several months. Do you have any relaxation strategies that work? Any ideas on how to tamp down the anger or sadness that visit me every day? My emotional roller coaster of hate-love, bitterness-compassion, sadness-denial, anger-forgiveness is exhausting. I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't. But I will do this for my son for one more year. I just need some suggestions to help me numb the pain. Does that make sense?

Thanks again for reading. This forum is life saving.

     Thread Starter

October 2, 2018 9:16 am  #16

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Daisy, I can't answer the first question. My spouse is trans, so I have actually never dealt with TGT and will leave that up to others to answer.

About your second question though.... if you are adamant about waiting until next summer to even confront him, I would find a good counselor to help you sort through things so you will be ready come next summer. You need to determine what YOU want and need in a marriage/in a relationship. How likely is your husband able to give that to you? You said you are financially dependent on him? Do you have a job? If not, consider getting one. Say you are using it as a social outlet or something and save as much of that money as you can. It will also help you occupy your mind and take it off of the all-consuming gay thing. As for relaxation, you can try yoga or long walks or bubble baths. Those seem to work for some people. I have found that CBD oil works well to combat my anxiety and acupuncture has been a God send for me.

Finally, though, and I ask this as gently as possible, why do you want to wait? I get that you want to wait until your son is away at college. However, would simply confronting and asking your husband about what you already know disrupt your son's life all that much? My spouse and I lived amicably together in the same room for quite some time before our teens knew anything was amiss, and they were younger than yours at the time. We are also homeschoolers, so they are home more than most teens. However, now that they are about your son's age they are home a lot less and would definitely not notice anything if we were going through it all now. Just because you discuss it doesn't mean any disruptive action would happen immediately. I just think you would be able to better move forward with either an exit plan or a strategy to make your MOM work if you could speak to your husband about everything.

 It is a tough situation to be in, and I wish you peace and wellness. Please take care of yourself.

Stay Strong.


October 2, 2018 12:45 pm  #17

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?


You ask some incredibly good questions.  I'd love to take a shot an answering them with my honest opinions. 

1.)  Why is your husband's porn focused around teen boys/men?   I can't 100% say for sure because I'm not him..  but I can tell you that as a general rule, most of us are more attracted to the physical bodies of younger adults.  Right?  Younger people are typically leaner, have smoother skin, fewer blemishes and gravity hasn't had as long to work against us.  In general I think men are more visually oriented in what they are attracted to, so appearance is probably more important (based on societal stereotypes I would think this is even more true for gay men). I think people look at porn or read sexual literature to experience their fantasies.. so what you see is a most likely a true reflection of his biggest desire.  It's actually really creepy because I'm willing to bet he is bordering on pedophilia.  

2.)  Survival tactics. 
First - I think you must find something to motivate you to move forward.  Working toward a goal is so important!  Even if you think you are stuck in your situation for a year or more, having a clear goal will help you get up each day and push forward toward something.  That was huge for me.. I remember writing about it often in my journal here on the forum.  Having a goal and doing something each day to push closer to it helped me feel so much better than just languishing in despair.  At the end of the day you can at least say you did something to get you closer to a better future and that helps a ton.  
Second - Find something to distract you and keep you busy  (something healthy!!!).   What have you always thought you might like to try or learn or get into?  Photography, music, birdwatching, surfing, jogging, scrapbooking, bridge or other games, puzzles, writing, finishing a degree or getting a new one, auto repair, travel, under-water basket weaving..  I'm just throwing out examples even if they are ridiculous.  My point is... find something that you enjoy that will eat up as much of your free time as possible.  Get into it big.  It will bring you enjoyment and motivation and force you to put your mind to other things and keep you too busy to indulge in the harmful things you might be struggling with now (alcohol). 
Third - Find a support group.   Have you checked out the SSN face-to-face groups?  We have them in most major cities.  Do you have a few close family members or friends you can rely on to keep it to themselves?  You will need a shoulder to cry on.  You will need someone to spend time with.  You will need an excuse to get out of the house with and maybe even an alibi from time to time. 
Fourth - don't tamp down the anger and sadness.. instead, find a safe way to outlet that pain.  It's so much more healthy.  If you need to find a quiet, private place to cry for an hour - go do it.  If you need to take up kickboxing to outlet your anger and project it on a punching bag.. do it!  Those emotions are evidence of real emotional pain.  To heal you need to let them out.  If you bottle them up it will take longer to heal and they can come back in unexpected and negative ways. 
Fifth - understand the roller coaster and accept it.  We all lived on the roller-coaster (most of us still do yet today).  Understand that the ups and downs are natural.  Know in advance that your emotions will come and go without warning or predictability and accept them when they come.  Recognize that when you are in the lowest places, they are only temporary and remind yourself that in a little while you'll start to feel better as part of the natural cycle.   This last part was huge for me..  When I felt the worst it helped me to remember that it was natural and would get better in a few hours or the following day.  It's so easy project how you feel in a given moment outward permanently and then you think you have to endure years of feeling the worst possible way.  Finally, know that the roller coaster changes over time.  Early on the dips are long and severe and the ups are short and not so happy.  As time goes on the dips aren't as deep and don't last as long and the ups get better and better.  Eventually the track smooths out and actually goes on an incline and life gets better gradually.   At the end of the track you will find things better than they were before you got onto the coaster.  You'll get there!

One last note:  i agree with Stronger above when she asks if you are sure you need wait until your son is gone to college.  I've heard stories where people thought it would be best for them to wait, but it turned out worse.  The last year of high school is generally an easier time for kids than the first year of college and all of the changes that brings to their lives.  You might want to think a little more about this and perhaps consider seeing a pediatric psychologist to ask their professional opinion on when it would be best for your son to endure the changes in life.  

Keep posting my friend!  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


October 2, 2018 6:24 pm  #18

Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Daisy you mentioned that your husband lost his job. I'm sorry to hear that and know it can be extremely stressful for a man when he can no longer provide for his family. Yet you also stated that for the last six months gay porn consumes his life at all hours of the day. (Or is it possible six months is just when you busted him and it's been going on longer?)
I'm sorry if this sounds too blunt but imagine if he spent all that time looking for a job instead?
However I'm sure when you do confront him he will use those activities as stress relievers which is BS.
Please note too that when men view and focus on that type of porn the next step is to act on it. It's too alluring and like a drug that they can't resist. So if he hasn't already acted on it, he will. 
That's why it's important to confront him now instead of waiting just in case he hasn't and there is hope for your marriage. A year for you is going to be a nightmare that will not get better if you let this linger. 
I agree with the above statements to get help for yourself and in regards to your son. 
I wish you all the best and am very sorry you found yourself here. 

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

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