Daisy, I understand. My life mirrors yours. Only I have been married for 44 years to my best friend. I have always been happy. Nine months ago we moved to Florida getting  ready for retirement, I loved my life, my husband. Friends envied my marriage, everyone loves my husband, he is such a great guy. And then I got slammed i discovered the "gay thing." The gay porn, anal dildos, history of STDs (he never told me about), no sex with me for 10 years (claimed he had ED), and he admitted to only one sexual encounter with a man. We have had many discussions , he just gaslights me, he denies, denies, denies. Then he uses words that he is just "bicurious, then bisexual" then later on he claims he never said that. It is just a mind fuck game. But for me I know the truth, he is gay.

When I first discovered this, I was in shock, I could not imagine my life w/o him. I went into , "I got to fix this mode." But I can't fix the gay thing. With time and more time, I learned to focus on myself, and what I could and could not live with. I identified what I want in my life, I want truth and honesty. I have accepted I will never get that from my husband. I like you considered a MOM, but with counseling, it helped me focus on me, I became the priority. I realized I matter, I have value. 

So give yourself time, it will not be easy, but it will get better. I have never known such sadness or pain.......But I now I have hope, I now believe I will be OK, I will be happy.......I have chosen divorce, peace and happiness. I feel I can breathe again.....

I wish you the very best. Give yourself time, you will make the right decision for you.
I

 

And a couple of other questions to add to Phoenix's:

1) Honesty and communication are key, and after two years on these boards I can think of only a few persons  whose story I've read knew their partner's sexuality from the beginning--and even fewer continued to find a way forward with their partners afterwards. Your partner has hidden his sexuality from you. So ask yourself:  How honest and open do you think you believe your spouse can be now, going forward, given that he has spent his entire life hiding from himself and from you, and developing the habits of deception and evasion?  If trust is needed to go forward, how will you build it?  How will you know how much and when to factor this in to what your spouse tells you?  Will you need proof of his transparency? 

2) Your differing sexualities.  Phoenix poses the question about opening the marriage as if it will be your role to accommodate.  I'd like to flip his question over:  how ok will/would he be with you seeking sexual pleasure outside the marriage?  It seems as if the onus is alwayson the straight spouse for accommodating the need of the homosexual partner.  But it shouldn't be.   Perhaps you will come to the conclusion that if your partner steps outside the marriage for sexual gratification that you do not wish to risk your health with any STI he may bring back to you. Perhaps you may decide that you no longer want to have sex with him; if so, what are your options for seeking out sexual pleasure for yourself.
 

Hi everyone. I've given your posts serious consideration and have read them each about 10 times. It all applies and I can see that my husband is gay. He's not come out and I'm absolutely determined to not say anything until next summer when our youngest is away at college. I have two questions...

I've noticed so much of my husband's gay porn/movies/tv shows/online books are teen related or coming of age or young-hot-guy genre. Do you think this mirrors a stage in his own discovery? Like he's an adolescent in the gay world? He's 51 years old. If he had already admitted to himself that he's gay at this stage in his life, would his taste have changed to more mature content or it the genre just a matter of taste? He's always been nerdy (science fiction and superheroes). Maybe this part was just not as apparent as the other teen stuff. Does that make sense? 

Also, his gay orientation is considerably the most difficult thing I've ever faced in my entire adult life and I'm terrified. So I come to you asking for suggestions on how I can survive the next year. My daily consumption of alcohol is taking its toll (weight gain, bad example for my teen son) so I'm wondering if you have any strategies to help me get through the next several months. Do you have any relaxation strategies that work? Any ideas on how to tamp down the anger or sadness that visit me every day? My emotional roller coaster of hate-love, bitterness-compassion, sadness-denial, anger-forgiveness is exhausting. I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't. But I will do this for my son for one more year. I just need some suggestions to help me numb the pain. Does that make sense?

Thanks again for reading. This forum is life saving.

Daisy, 

You ask some incredibly good questions.  I'd love to take a shot an answering them with my honest opinions. 

1.)  Why is your husband's porn focused around teen boys/men?   I can't 100% say for sure because I'm not him..  but I can tell you that as a general rule, most of us are more attracted to the physical bodies of younger adults.  Right?  Younger people are typically leaner, have smoother skin, fewer blemishes and gravity hasn't had as long to work against us.  In general I think men are more visually oriented in what they are attracted to, so appearance is probably more important (based on societal stereotypes I would think this is even more true for gay men). I think people look at porn or read sexual literature to experience their fantasies.. so what you see is a most likely a true reflection of his biggest desire.  It's actually really creepy because I'm willing to bet he is bordering on pedophilia.  

2.)  Survival tactics. 
First - I think you must find something to motivate you to move forward.  Working toward a goal is so important!  Even if you think you are stuck in your situation for a year or more, having a clear goal will help you get up each day and push forward toward something.  That was huge for me.. I remember writing about it often in my journal here on the forum.  Having a goal and doing something each day to push closer to it helped me feel so much better than just languishing in despair.  At the end of the day you can at least say you did something to get you closer to a better future and that helps a ton.  
Second - Find something to distract you and keep you busy  (something healthy!!!).   What have you always thought you might like to try or learn or get into?  Photography, music, birdwatching, surfing, jogging, scrapbooking, bridge or other games, puzzles, writing, finishing a degree or getting a new one, auto repair, travel, under-water basket weaving..  I'm just throwing out examples even if they are ridiculous.  My point is... find something that you enjoy that will eat up as much of your free time as possible.  Get into it big.  It will bring you enjoyment and motivation and force you to put your mind to other things and keep you too busy to indulge in the harmful things you might be struggling with now (alcohol). 
Third - Find a support group.   Have you checked out the SSN face-to-face groups?  We have them in most major cities.  Do you have a few close family members or friends you can rely on to keep it to themselves?  You will need a shoulder to cry on.  You will need someone to spend time with.  You will need an excuse to get out of the house with and maybe even an alibi from time to time. 
Fourth - don't tamp down the anger and sadness.. instead, find a safe way to outlet that pain.  It's so much more healthy.  If you need to find a quiet, private place to cry for an hour - go do it.  If you need to take up kickboxing to outlet your anger and project it on a punching bag.. do it!  Those emotions are evidence of real emotional pain.  To heal you need to let them out.  If you bottle them up it will take longer to heal and they can come back in unexpected and negative ways. 
Fifth - understand the roller coaster and accept it.  We all lived on the roller-coaster (most of us still do yet today).  Understand that the ups and downs are natural.  Know in advance that your emotions will come and go without warning or predictability and accept them when they come.  Recognize that when you are in the lowest places, they are only temporary and remind yourself that in a little while you'll start to feel better as part of the natural cycle.   This last part was huge for me..  When I felt the worst it helped me to remember that it was natural and would get better in a few hours or the following day.  It's so easy project how you feel in a given moment outward permanently and then you think you have to endure years of feeling the worst possible way.  Finally, know that the roller coaster changes over time.  Early on the dips are long and severe and the ups are short and not so happy.  As time goes on the dips aren't as deep and don't last as long and the ups get better and better.  Eventually the track smooths out and actually goes on an incline and life gets better gradually.   At the end of the track you will find things better than they were before you got onto the coaster.  You'll get there!


One last note:  i agree with Stronger above when she asks if you are sure you need wait until your son is gone to college.  I've heard stories where people thought it would be best for them to wait, but it turned out worse.  The last year of high school is generally an easier time for kids than the first year of college and all of the changes that brings to their lives.  You might want to think a little more about this and perhaps consider seeing a pediatric psychologist to ask their professional opinion on when it would be best for your son to endure the changes in life.  

Keep posting my friend!